Rob's Random Ramblings

Freedom To Run...

2011-07-02T08:24:00.004-04:00

Last night, I got some new running shoes as a late birthday present from my wonderful wife. They are the most comfortable shoe I've ever worn, and the great people at Metro Walk & Run did an amazing job of fitting me in a shoe I never would have found on my own. I couldn't wait until this morning to try them out...so the dog and I got up early, cranked up the IPod, and headed outside to get some exercise.

I started off at my usual walk...then to a brisk one...then lengthened my stride while increase the pace...and finally up to a full jog. This may not see like a large achievement to some of you...but it was a true milestone for me.

You see, it was this weekend two years ago that I began dialysis treatments for my kidney failure. Before that, I had been going to the gym 4-5 times a week and in the best shape I had been in for years. Once I was diagnosed, I needed to limit my exercise since the permanent catheter in my neck was prone to infection and the tip of it stopped right above my heart. Even if that wouldn't have been a concern, the anemia from the kidney failure made me unable to even keep a pace that would give me some cardio benefit. Jogging the length of the sidewalk in front of my house left me short of breath.

One of the most frustrating things about living with end stage renal disease is what it takes from you physically. I couldn't do many things I easily did before, and the lack of energy just left me feeling sapped all the time. Honestly, I forgot how it felt to feel good.

This past April, my good friend Shelley literally gave of herself and blessed me with one of her perfectly functioning kidneys. They recommended that I begin walking as soon as I could, but the stitches in my abdomenial muscles really made it hard to do much more than a slow mosey. My wife was outpacing for the first time ever, for pete's sake! But as the last few months passed by, I've been able to do more and more, and feeling more back to my old self every day.

Today, when I could feel my heart pumping, my lungs working hard, and the burning in my leg muscles, I welcomed them. When the sweat started to pour, it actually felt great. When I felt "the wall" that always arrives when I work out, I was a amazing thing to just push through it and keep going like I used to be able to do. When I finished, I sat on my back patio for a bit as I took my shoes off and caught my breath...and with tears in my eyes, said a quiet prayer to God thanking Him for His perfect timing of this very precious gift, and for the friend who followed God's lead to share herself with me. I finally have the freedom to run, to do all those things that I haven't been able to for two years. It was taken..but now it has been returned, and I'll never take it for granted again.

If you would have seen me out this morning, you wouldn't have been impressed with my form, speed, or length of my little run...but to me, it felt like I just won the Boston Marathon. I can't wait to get back out and do it again tomorrow....and the next day...and the next.

If you're not already an organ donor, I strongly encourage you to consider doing so next time you renew your license. I know the benefits personally from my live donor, but have met so many along the way who have recieved a second chance from someone who took just a minute to check a box at the license branch. Honestly, if you're gone, you can't take them with you...but you can give them to a number of families waiting desperately for them.

Shelley, if you're reading this.....thank you SO much. Not only did you save my life...you've given it back to me. Words can't express the joy I felt not only this morning, but every day.

Here's hoping you all have a happy and safe 4th of July weekend...and that you find joy in the little things today.

Things I'm Reading/Watching/Listening To...

2011-06-28T11:43:00.007-04:00

It's been quite a while since I did this...so for the 3 of you still reading, here's what I'm into this summer...

What I'm Reading: "Thirteen Reasons Why" & "A Song of Fire and Ice" Series

"Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher was a quick, good read. The basis of the story is this: a young man recieves an anonymous package of cassette tapes. As he listens to the first, he realizes it's the final words of a friend who had taken her own life recently. As he works his way through all thirteen of them, he finds out she had left them behind as a reminder to those that she felt had driven her to this point. The telling of the story alternates from transcripts of her tapes to the perspective of the main character.

I finished it in about 4 hours. It was riveting and well-written, and the subject matter was very personal to me. As one who grew up getting picked on and bullied, then one who became one of the pickers, the story resonated with me deeply. Though there is some language and some uncomfortable scenes, the story and lessons behind it are something that should be required reading for teenage students everywhere. From harsh and thoughtless words and deeds, to things we may just forget about, our words and actions affect those around us deeply...and this book was a reminder to be careful with my own tongue...and to do my best to teach my children to harness theirs as well, and to truly treat others as they wish to be treated themselves. I highly recommend this one.

I'm in the midst of the "Song Of Fire And Ice" series by George R. R. Martin. I got into this series while watching the "Game Of Thrones" mini-series on HBO. It reminds me of the epic scale and fantasy-based story of the "Lord of The Rings" series, but is told from the point-of-view of a number of different characters. Long story short, it's about a country with seven kingdoms, and the intertwining narrative follows the many people and families striving to be the rulers over it all. Martin has a way of being very descriptive on multiple storylines without being confusing...and with each book in the 6 book (so far) series averaging around 900 pages, it'll take up most of the rest of summer for me to make it through. It's been a while since I've found a book hard to put down...but this series has captured my imagination.

What I'm Watching: The Glades

I've stumbled on to all kinds of shows and books lately...some by accident, and some by recommendation of one of my favorite magazines, Entertainment Weekly. They led me to "Thirteen Reasons Why" and to this show, "The Glades". It's a police show following a transplanted Chicago homicide detective now in Florida on murder cases. The casting is very good, and the writing often leaves you guessing until the very end who actually did it. It's a fun watch, and it's on Sunday nights at 10 on A&E, in place of my favorite show of the spring, "Breakout Kings". I'm also still into last year's summer faves, "White Collar" and "Royal Pains" on USA.

Listening to: People

This summer I've been making a concious effort to not fill my listening time with music, podcasts, or books on tape. In the past few years, I'd been tying myself to my phone, computer, and Ipod...partially to limit the interaction, and partially to isolate myself from the problems I knew I needed to deal with. I'm trying to disconnect from electronics a little more, and reconnect with those around me. I'm spending much more time in conversation with my wife, and being reminded of her sharp wit, sense of humor, and wisdom. I've enjoyed listening to my kids, even when the conversation doesn't make any sense (which is fairly often). I'm listening to those around me more, and even listening to the sounds of nature...which means I'm finally taking time to slow down and appreciate it. I'm also trying to listen to God more, instead of just talking and making requests. I'm spending time just in the quiet, and more time reading His word in longer stretches. Don't make me out as a saint just yet...I still often forget to do this, or make other things more important...but I'm trying...and He shows up when I do.

So, that's what I'm reading/watching/listening to...and if any of you would like to share yours with me, I'd love to hear them...always on the lookout for new stuff!

"I Got You..."

2011-06-24T14:38:00.004-04:00

I went yesterday afternoon to a matinee showing of "Super 8", the new film by J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg, with my son. We both really enjoyed it, and the acting and story were very well done. For an odd bird like me, the thriller/alien/coming of age story really resonated with me. Near the center of the story, though, is the relationship between the lead character, a boy named Joe, and his father, Jack (played by the amazing Kyle Chandler of my favorite show, "Friday Night Lights"). Joe's mom dies in a tragic accident before the movie begins, and both men are adrift for most of the movie. They are so close in proximity in the lonely house, but their hearts are so far away. They both desperately need the other...but don't know how to find each other. At the climax of the film, Jack finds Joe safe after a long and hard search for him. Joe sees his dad's eyes, and is afraid he'll be yelled at and chastened for going off on his own to save the girl. Instead, Jack wraps Joe up in his arms and says just three words:

"I got you."

The look of relief and safety in Joe's eyes melted me and, I must admit, got me a little misty. When we left, my son asked what my favorite part was, I told him it was that scene. He didn't get it...his was the massive train wreck and derailment that started the movie. I found it hard to explain, too...but as the night went on, it became clear to me why.

Life gets a little crazy and overwhelming for me sometimes.
I have days when I just don't know how to get through things.
I have times when I feel like I'm doing the best I can, and it blows up on me.
I feel hurt and frustrated, and I don't know how to ask for help.

Over the past year, in those moments, I've found great relief in taking time to pray. Whether it's a calm conversation, angry shouts, or broken-hearted sobs...I know He hears me...and I've felt him whisper those same words that Jack said to Joe:

"I got you."

...but I don't think I can handle anymore than this...
"I got you."

...but it's just not fair...
"I got you."

...sometimes it just hurts too much to bear...
"I got you."

...I don't feel like I do anything worthy of Your or anyone's love...
"I got you."

...I'm so tired...
"I got you."

...I can't do this on my own...
"I got you."

Those three words have given me the strength to keep plugging away on many a day. Though people are human and the best of friends will sometimes let you down, knowing that in God's arms, there's always a safe place to come home to and be comforted, restored, and renewed to face another day.

Here's hoping that today, you realize He's got you, too.

My Journey, Part IV...

2011-06-17T06:00:00.000-04:00

(This is the last of four parts of my journey over the last two years that I shared last week at my friend's church...click here to read them all...)

I’d like to end this series of posts with just a few lessons I’ve learned through all of this:

1. God is big. I mean HUGE. God is so much bigger than the boxes I’ve tried to put Him in over the years. Even in the midst of the times when I’m the furthest away from Him, he still pursues me with ferocity that I can’t understand, and continues to take me back and love me again and again no matter how much I’ve disappointed Him. I’ve seen God move in my health in a very visible way…and I’ve seen Him move in people like my wife to restore our broken relationship. Both of these amazing things aren’t because of anything I did…they were done despite what I did. They are both truly “God-things”…and I’m glad His time isn’t my time. God knew 2 years ago that my donor would be Shelley and when it would be…but also knew I would make a long and winding road to get there. What I interpreted as not answering my prayers instead turned out to be God saying this: “Just wait. You’re not where you need to be just yet. Let me love you…let me teach you…and let me lead. Then you will be just where you need to be when you get that gift.” He was SO right….and I’m so thankful that it all worked out that way. If you’re in the midst of a health or relationship crisis right now, let me share some advice from someone who’s been there. Don’t give up on God. Continue to seek Him and his direction for you despite what life gives you. They say true character only comes out when we are squeezed…and when I was squeezed, it wasn’t pretty to see. Don’t go through what I did….continue to follow Him no matter the cost, and He will see you through. I know in my life the best lessons I have learned have come from the deepest valleys. To quote my favorite singer, the late Rich Mullins:

“I know there’s bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain’t nothing to be afraid of
I know there’ll come some tears up in your eyes
That ain’t no reason to fear
I know there’s bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, and hold on tight
He’s been there before, and He knows what it’s like
You’ll find He’s there.”

God is bigger than anything we are facing right now. Don’t put Him in a box…let him be God..and be amazed at what He can do.

2. We are not meant to go it alone. All through the Bible you see pictures of teams. From the Israelites in the wilderness, to the armies of David, to the disciples and Jesus, you see so many pictures of people truly being “the church” to those in need. God knows we need that love and support, and wants that for each of us. This one was hard for me to learn. I am the guy who helped everyone else, but didn’t need any myself. Not only did accepting it make me feel weak, but I thought no one could do things as well as I could. That was wrong. My sickness took a lot from me physically, and I had to let others do things for me. My bad decisions took a lot from me spiritually and emotionally, and I had to let others carry me, then lift me up as I grew and healed. God put some amazing people into my life to do just that. I’m so proud of my wife and my kids and how they’ve walked through all of this with me. They are amazing, and truly a gift from God. Those friends who’ve supported us through this have been incredible, too. If you are going through a valley in your life right now, don’t shut others out. Let them be there for you, and carry you when you can’t carry on. Not only will it help and bless you, but can bless them just as much. To those of you that know someone who’s struggling, don’t avoid them because you don’t know what to say, or give them trite sayings and pat them on the back. As someone who’s been there, that person just needs to hear this from you: “I know what you’re going through is incredibly hard. I don’t know exactly how to support you or what I can do for you, but I want you to know I’m here for you. I’m praying for you, and I’ll stand in the gap with you.” You aren’t called to fix it…and usually, you can’t anyway. Just love them through it…just like Jesus loves us through all of our “stuff”.

3. We each have a story, and God can use it for His glory. As you can see by my story, it’s a long and winding road of ups and downs, good decisions and horrible mistakes. It makes for exciting reading if it didn’t happen to you…but it’s not the path I would choose for anyone. Being up here today is a stretch for me. I still don’t feel like I deserve the chance to share my story with anyone…but the Bible is full of failures who God redeemed to greater things. God can take our deepest valleys and use them to help others to avoid those dark times in life. I’d be willing to venture that at least one person out here has indentified with some part of what I’ve shared, and that God is speaking to you about it. I’d encourage you to share that with someone today. Be it Denny or Jody, or someone else that loves and respects you, you need to share it and be accountable for it. One of Satan’s greatest traps is our pride, thinking that if we ever shared our secret sins, our broken marriage or family, or the things we struggle with deep down with anyone, that they wouldn’t want anything to do with us anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve found when I share these things, that others feel free to share their struggles as well. I’ve learned from some that are further along than I am, and even have had the chance to counsel some that are where I was, or are headed there. Once you get things taken care of with God and those you need to make it right with, remember God can still use you to make a difference for Him….you just have to be bold enough to share those imperfections and focus on the redeeming work He’s done in spite of it. Peter wouldn’t have been the cornerstone of the church without the denial, and Paul wouldn’t have been the amazing preacher he was with the “thorn in his side”. God can use anyone…and he can use you. If you’ve been hurt or broken, or feel like what you’ve done will doom you to the sidelines forever…saddle up and get back on the horse. Sure, it’s hard, scary, and you’re putting yourself out there…but it’s not really about you, is it? It’s about Him…and bringing others closer to Him. That’s why I share this with you today.

If you've read all four posts, thanks...and please remember what I've shared if you're going through a dark time in your own life. Remember, God is so much bigger than we can imagine….that we are not meant to go it alone…and that no matter what you’ve done or been through, that God can use your story for His glory. Thanks.

My Journey, Part III...

2011-06-16T06:00:00.001-04:00

(This is the third of four parts of my journey over the last two years that I shared last week at my friend's church...click here to read them all...)

The next group of five began testing around this time, and we began counseling and working through all the mess I had made. I won’t lie…it hasn’t been easy, but it’s been really good. Over those next few months, we found as we rebuilt our relationship God’s way, we grew closer and had a deeper relationship than we ever had before. God continued to work in my heart to change me, and more than ever, I wanted to love my wife as Jesus loves us. I felt like I was on my way to becoming who He always wanted me to be…and the next donor was taken out early in the testing process. Instead of spiraling down into depression as I did before and allowing the enemy to take over, I instead looked at it as a positive, that I got more time to grow and learn before my transplant. Those 12 hours a week in dialysis got used not as much to play with my electronics and watch TV, but in study and prayer. Around the end of October we got word that prospective donor #6 was up for testing….and lo and behold, it was Shelley, the same one who had told me over a year ago that God had told her she would be my match. She was still confident of this…but I wasn’t. I had prepared myself for each donor now that they wouldn’t work out so I wouldn’t be so disappointed when they didn’t. I got a call right before Thanksgiving from her telling me that she had passed all the tests except one, and that a passing grade on a re-test would mean she would be my donor!

We were really excited about this…but little did we know that the “little” test and some other issues would take almost 6 more months to work out. Again, my patience isn’t very good to begin with…but God kept teaching me along the way, reminding me that He had brought me this far in the last months, and that He would carry me the rest of the way. Little did I know that God was using all of this time to re-shape how I saw him. Again, the words of Mark Hall from his book, “Your Own Jesus” ring true:

The god we want shows up in comfortable non-verses that we assume are in the Bible but really aren't. God helps those who help themselves. God blesses the rich so they can bless others. God wont' give you anything you can't handle. These "verses" describe the god we wish we had, rather than the God who is.
What will the real God do? He'll put us out in the middle of a sea and tell us to walk on it. He'll place us before a giant with a rock and a sling. He'll allow a tornado or cancer or a heart attack or a foreclosure or a job loss or a death to come our way. He will give us more than we can handle just just show us that only He can handle things.

Ouch….and Amen. Now I’m not saying God made me sick or wanted me to make those bad decisions…no way. What I am saying is that God still loves me in spite of all that, and has chosen to use the mess I made for His glory. You see, I had to finally get to a point where I could admit to God that I couldn’t do it myself. I was great at telling God that everything was His…but that I’d take care of most of my stuff because I know He’s busy. I wasn’t helping Him…I was instead not giving it all to Him and not trusting Him for the best way to live. I had to get so far down in my pit that I couldn’t see any light at all, and cry out “God! I can’t do this! I need your help!! WHERE ARE YOU?!” only to hear a quiet whisper from over my shoulder saying this: “I’m right here, Rob….where I’ve been all along. I have never moved…you’ve been running from me. My arms are still open wide…so let me carry you.” I finally gave it ALL up to Him…and He did things I never thought possible.

Those extra six months after she matched with me allowed so much more growth in me and in my relationship with my wife and my family. At the end of February, I finally got the call I had been waiting for. The transplant would take place on April 6th. The long journey will come to an end. Shelley was right after all…it was her, and God confirmed that to her almost two years before. He confirmed it to me as well…I just chose not to believe it then. Shelley’s attitude through all of this amazed me. Her conviction and willingness to follow through on God’s plan for her knowing that it would be a long hard road to recovery blew me away. She was willing to go from the picture of health to months of anemia and pain while her body adjusted to life with one kidney and as she healed for me. Just like Christ did on the cross, Shelley gave literally of herself to save my life. Her gift gave my body a new life, free from the machines that were in control of my health, and allowed me to experience a freedom I had lost. I will never be able to fully express my thanks to her and her family for this…and for the unconditional love they have shown us throughout this journey.

So, as you can see, I’m feeling pretty good now. My checkups show the kidney we jokingly call “Lil’ Shelley” is working perfectly. My weekly set of tests show my body is back to normal levels on just about everything, and the incision is healing nicely. I do feel like a new man…not just with the kidney, but with all God had done for me and in me these past few years.

(The final wrap-up tomorrow...)

"Thinking God Will Run Out Of Welcome Home Banners..."

2011-06-15T13:33:00.004-04:00

This thought provoking title comes from the fingers of Jon Acuff today on his popular site, Stuff Christians Like. I've always been a big fan of his work, but my favorite posts seem to come from what he dubs "Serious Wednesdays".

Today's post is a mixture of dealing with guilt, self-loathing, forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, and a new spin on the story of the prodigal son. It had me alternately nodding and praying, and put a lump in my throat a couple of times.

If you've never messed anything up in your life, then skip right over this post.

If you're a mess like me, click here to read it.

You'll be glad you did.

My Journey, Part II...

2011-06-15T06:00:00.002-04:00

(This is the second of four parts of my journey over the last two years that I shared last week at my friend's church...click here to read them all...)

September of that year came, and I began the process of looking for a match for a possible kidney transplant. The program registered me, and gave me a phone number to give out to those that were interested. I was hoping for two or three to be willing to go through the testing process for me…but about a month later I got a call from the hospital asking me to stop giving out the number. I asked them why, and this was their answer: “Usually, we are happy if we can get 4 or 5 calls for a patient…legally, I can’t give you details, but your list passed 70 people a week ago.” I was floored. I’m usually the guy who is willing to help anyone, but I had a hard time accepting any help for myself…and to know that so many were willing to give a part of themselves to me humbled me greatly. The first five prospects started the testing process…but one lady came up to me that week and told me that God had told her she was going to be my donor. I nodded, and told her that was great….and when I walked away, I rolled my eyes and wondered what kind of bad pizza prompted that dream for her. She was a ways down on my list, and no way I was going to wait that long to get a kidney. Honestly, I forgot about her words in a few days…and from there, headed into quite a mess.

A little backstory on me: I was adopted into a Christian home at 5 days old, grew up in the church, and got saved when I was 7. I was brought up well with the Bible being a daily influence, and we were at the church whenever the doors were open. I memorized all kinds of verses, and I could win the “sword drills” in Sunday School often. I could give you all the right answers and say all the right things…but the older I got, I realized that I had never made my relationship with God personal. I always let the church dictate what God looked like, but never spent the time in prayer and study personally to make that real and relevant to me. I had a time of re-awakening and rededication in college, but after that my life became a series of failures and recommitments, but never really a steady climb to the man God intends for me to be. I became much more concerned about how I was perceived, instead of who I was when no one was looking. Even after I got sick, I put on the front that I was just fine, and that God would bring me through it….but on the inside I was angry with God for allowing me to be sick, and didn’t understand why He just wouldn’t fix me as a favor for all the things I’d “done” for him in the past. I felt alone, and that if I told anyone about these feelings, they would cease to think of me as this “great Christian guy”, so I kept wrestling with the enemy by myself…and eventually, gave into the lies he kept putting into my head. Mark Hall, lead singer of Casting Crowns, put what I was doing into words much better than I can:

Have you ever sat in a worship service or prayer time when suddenly some nasty, improper scene from a movie that you didn't see pops into your hear? Of course not! We planted those images inside through our own actions. It's as though we say, "Lord, this monster is pounding me with a wooden bat. Would you please take that bat away?" The Lord helps us with that one, and then we turn around and hand the monster an aluminum bat, saying, "Try this one; it's alot harder." We arm the beast that wants to destroy us.

I drifted far away from God, and from my wife and family. I did things I never thought I would do, widening the gap to a point where I had months at a time without any time with God…and disconnecting with my family almost completely. When I was in church or in public, the mask went on, and I heard what an inspiration I was…but all along, each compliment was a dagger, stabbing at what I knew was just a illusion.

During this time, 5 donors came into the testing program, and 5 donors were eliminated or pulled out. At 2 to 3 months per person, almost a year had passed by then. I got excited for the first one, but when she wasn’t cleared, I was crushed…and then depressed not only by the results, but knowing that my actions weren’t deserving of any kind of blessing either. When each one was rejected as a match for me, it seemed to fuel again thoughts that God just wasn’t there…or that I wasn’t worth His time. Again, nothing could be further from the truth…I was just too blind to see that He was right there waiting for me, broken hearted with my choices, arms outstretched, pleading with me to choose Him. I didn’t…but He never moved away. I did…and it was a very dark time for me personally.

Last August, my house of cards I worked so hard to build and maintain came crashing down around me. All my bad choices came to the harsh light of reality, and the person I wanted to be seen as was destroyed, as the person I truly was was revealed. Many people who supported me before walked away during this time….and I hurt so many more with what I did, especially my wife. Kris, the woman I married almost 15 years ago, the one who had did so much to help me through my sickness, the one who changed the way she cooks to accommodate the many things I couldn’t eat with kidney failure, the one who carried the load with our business and at home during that time…the pain and disappointment so evident in her eyes were more than I could bear. After a particularly hard night where a lot of the truth came out, I could tell that she was so broken and exhausted, so I got up to leave so she could hopefully get some sleep. She asked me to sit back down, she grabbed my hand….and she started to pray for me. Not for us as a couple….just for me. She prayed that I would learn to forgive myself as God forgives me…that I would seek Him and his lead…that I would become the man God wants me to be no matter what happened with us. It shattered me to pieces. It was the most selfless act I’ve ever experienced, and it was in the time when I least expected or deserved it. It changed my heart, and began a new work within me to not be concerned about who I’m perceived to be…but who I am in Him.

You see, she was Jesus with skin on to me that night. She showed me grace and unconditional love in a way that I’d never seen before…and gave me hope that if she could forgive me and work to rebuild our relationship on solid ground, that God could as well. I dove into the Bible with new zeal and focus, and spent long hours in the quiet with God, sometimes praying, and sometimes just listening. A good friend asked to meet with me weekly for accountability, and to work through a book on spiritual bondage that I desperately needed to hear and learn from. It was just what I needed. We started the road to restoration…and the transplant search went on.

(More to come tomorrow...)

My Journey, Part I.....

2011-06-14T07:41:00.003-04:00

One of my mentors and my very good friend, Denny Owens, asked me to come to his church last week and share about my journey over the last couple of years. As I wrote it out, I thought I'd share it with you all as well...

First of all, thank you for the opportunity to come and share with all of you today. Denny and Jody have shared with me that many of you have been praying for us and for the donor throughout this whole process, and I know it’s great for me to be able to faces to those prayers.

Denny asked me to share about my journey these last few years…and as I thought back over it, it seems like it was a while ago…but in reality, it all began just 2 years ago this month. Looking back, it’s pretty neat to see God’s fingerprints all over it…it’s just too bad I didn’t see them in the midst of it…

I had been feeling poorly for just about a month at the end of June of 2009. It started with a pretty rapid weight gain, even though I was going to the gym 5 days a week. I cut down my food intake, worked out harder, and nothing seemed to stop the scale from climbing up. A few weeks later, I noticed that I wasn’t able to keep the pace on the treadmill and elliptical that I had worked up to…and a week after that, I was getting winded just climbing up a flight of stairs to tuck my kids into bed. On top of that, I was dealing with a splitting headache that was so severe, it would make me physically sick. Finally, I googled my symptoms…and let me tell you, that was a scary thing to do…I got everything from mad cow disease to heart failure. That was enough to finally get me to go see a doctor, so I made an appointment for the next day.

At my appointment, I gave him the lab results from some blood work I had done the previous January, and he looked that over while running some other tests. After the tests were processed, he came in with the news: I was in end stage kidney failure. My blood pressure was 220/120, which had him fearing a stroke, and the reason for the bad headaches. The anemia was caused by the inability of my kidneys to clean my blood, leaving it oxygen starved and unable to do it’s job well. And the weight gain was due to excess water in my system, something healthy kidneys eliminate automatically. He set up an appointment for me for the next day with a specialist, and sent me back home. I was overwhelmed….I thought it was a virus or something like it…but end stage kidney failure?! My first thought is I’m way too young for this…and then started thinking about all the bad things that happens with this diagnosis. But God showed His first sign of showing up that next morning. In my bible reading for that day was a verse from Isaiah 50 that I needed to hear:

Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on his God.

That was my first sign from God that things were going to be OK….and I believed that for a few days as I hoped that some medicine and rest would take care of whatever I had…but oh, how quickly I forgot that. After many more tests, a biopsy of my kidney finally revealed what I had: a condition called IgA nephropathy. This is a fairly rare condition, affecting only about 4000 people each year. What it is is an unidentified (at this time) antigen gets into your body and your bloodstream. Your white blood cells attack it like any other foreign body, but instead of defeating it, digesting it, and getting rid of it, it melds with the white blood cells to make a paste like substance. This travels through your blood to the tiny little filters in your kidneys and plugs them shut, choking off the blood supply to the kidneys and rendering that filter useless. My biopsy showed that over 80% of my kidneys were irreversibly damaged, and my kidneys will never recover. They admitted me to the hospital, gave me 2 pints of blood, and inserted a catheter in my neck to begin dialysis treatments.

So, I’m on dialysis at 39. I did my best to keep a good attitude, but knowing you have to rely on a machine to live makes you feel much less invincible than you did before. I did a pretty good job of putting on a brave face and making others think I had it all together, but I didn’t. In particular, I remember the day of my biopsy. I had it done in the morning, and was still pretty sore that evening, while feeling sorry for myself. My wife came down from our bedroom around 10 p.m. and informed me she had a kidney stone, and we needed to go to the hospital. Once there, they got her sedated and resting, and I stepped outside for some air. As I did, it began to rain. I looked up at the sky, and just said this: “REALLY?!?!?! My kidneys don’t work at all, my wife’s here in the hospital, and you decide to make it rain this minute?! You said you’d never give me more than I can bear…well, God, the cup is full. You need to stop. I can’t take on any more than this.”
(A friend of mine told me much later that it’s true that God doesn’t give us more than we can bear….He just gives us bigger cups instead.) As I stood there in the rain, though, the words of a song I had heard in worship a few weeks before that came back to my mind:

“Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise
And the thunders roar
I Will soar with You
Above the storm
Father You are King
Over the flood
And I will be still
And know You are God”

I so needed that in that moment…to just be reminded that He is God…and that I am not. Though it still seemed like more than I could bear…it was comforting to know that I wasn’t alone…and, sometimes, the only thing we can hold on to is the fact that God says that He will give us the strength to deal with whatever comes our way. Sometimes, we'll charge headstrong into those battles...but sometimes we've just got to let Him carry us through.

More tomorrow...

Update On My Health...

2011-06-03T07:54:00.002-04:00

I realized I hadn't done one in a while...so for the few of you wondering how it's been going, here's the latest from my appointment with the IU docs yesterday.

All my blood tests are coming back normal, which is what they like to see. My incision is healing nicely, and the kidney is working like a champ, according to the twice-weekly testing I'm still doing. My cocktail of meds is settled out, and we've found a balance that really works well for me. Most exciting for me, my creatinine level is down to 1.43, the lowest it's been since the transplant.

I'm feeling pretty good now, a little sore when I overdo it physically, but am really starting to see the change in my energy levels and endurance. I'm looking forward to really being able to workout and run once the next month is over....I feel like I've lost all the strength I had over these last few months, but know I can not only recover it, but increase it as well.

Thanks for your prayers and support...I appreciate it.

Caught...

2011-06-03T07:48:00.004-04:00

My YouVersion reading plan led me to the book of 2nd Samuel this morning. The chapter I read dealt with David's return to his throne after a time away because his son tried to overthrow him. David and his army saw a great victory, but all he wanted to do is give the praise to God for his part in the battles. It's some very intense stuff, giving a picture of a God that is truly all-powerful:

"Earth wobbled and lurched; the very heavens shook like leaves, Quaked like aspen leaves because of his rage. His nostrils flared, billowing smoke; his mouth spit fire. Tongues of fire darted in and out; he lowered the sky. He stepped down; under his feet an abyss opened up. He rode a winged creature, swift on wind-wings. He wrapped himself in a trenchcoat of black rain-cloud darkness. But his cloud-brightness burst through, a grand comet of fireworks. Then God thundered out of heaven; the High God gave a great shout. God shot his arrows-pandemonium! He hurled his lightnings-a rout! The secret sources of ocean were exposed, the hidden depths of earth lay uncovered The moment God roared in protest, let loose his hurricane anger."

(2nd Samuel 22:8-16, MSG)

All pretty cool...and a vivid picture of how God's anger in action...but the very next verse is the one that grabbed ahold of my heart:

"But me He caught-reached all the way from sky to sea; He pulled me out."

The need to be caught implies that you're actually falling, often to what will end in a bad result. It's like you've been chased to the edge of a cliff...nowhere to go...your foot slips, you pinwheel your arms, but still lose your balance and begin to plummet to your likely death...but then you're caught, saved by unseen arms from your fate...unexpected and undeserved, but life-changing instead of life-ending.

David knew that his rescue didn't come from his army or his own great leadership...it came from God, reaching down to catch him when he needed Him the most.

I like how matter of fact David was about being caught...like he knew it would happen. I liken that to what my kids experienced when I would throw them up in the air and catch them. As they reached the apex, you could see the brief glimmer of fear in their eyes as they hung in mid-air for a moment...then the smile and glee as they descended into my waiting arms they knew wouldn't let them down.

I need the faith of a child to know that God will catch me, too.

Too often, it's easy to get so wrapped up in all the "stuff" around me and wonder if God even notices that I feel like I'm falling, unable to grab anything to stop my fall, flailing against the air, and preparing for a devastating ending...

...and then He catches me...again. He reminds me that He loves me...that I'm blessed...and that through Him, I have the strength to conquer anything.

Then I forget...and still, He catches me again...and again.

Here's hoping He never gets tired of catching me.

"Having No Clue How God Will Use Your Story"

2011-06-01T12:49:00.003-04:00

That title is the title of today's post by the amazing author of "Stuff Christians Like", Jon Acuff. Though the site is known for its humor, I'm a huge fan of what's come to be called "Serious Wednesdays". Jon is a gifted writer, and many of these entries have touched, encouraged, and challenged me. Today's post, though, is the story of Beth, a fan of the site. As I read it, it moved me as it dovetailed with my post just written moments before about how God can use us no matter how bad we think our story is, and that He meets us right where we are. It's also a primer of how poorly some churches treat the broken, and makes me feel very fortunate that my home church,NMC, embraces those who's lives are shattered, and loves them through it while giving solid Christ-honoring counsel just like they did with me.

If you have a story with some bumps and valleys in it, be inspired by Beth's words, and encouraged that God can and will still use you despite how your story has been to this point...I know it inspired me.

Click here to read it. It's well worth your time.

Thanks, Beth....I needed that.

The Rest Is Still Unwritten...

2011-06-01T12:16:00.004-04:00

(This great image courtesy of Unwritten Ministries)

There are so many other things Jesus did. If they were all written down, each of them, one by one, I can't imagine a world big enough to hold such a library of books.

(John 21:25, MSG)

These are the last words of the Gospel of John, and the last words of the Gospels in total. As I was reading them this morning as part of my daily quiet time, this particular verse really stuck with me.

Think about it.

REALLY think about it.

As I reflected on the first four books of the New Testament, I can remember story after story of the incredible things Jesus did. The teaching of the thousands....the miracles of healing and power....the investment in His disciples, preparing them for individual ministries without Him, setting the cornerstone of church today....the heartfelt prayers...and the selfless act of his death for our sins on the cross.

That's a lot of amazing stuff in just 3 1/2 short years in ministry...yet read that verse again:

There are so many other things Jesus did. If they were all written down, each of them, one by one, I can't imagine a world big enough to hold such a library of books.

That's pretty incredible...but can you imagine being John and spending each day at His side, learning from Him, and watching Him interact with people? I'm guessing the Gospels are just essentially a "highlight reel"...but seeing Him on a daily basis? I bet there are more stories than can be told.

That led me to thoughts of what it would be like to be with Him then...and then to thoughts of what He would think of me. Would there be lots of "way to go!" and "attaboy"...or would there be much more disappointed looks and shaking of His head as I make yet another mistake?

I hope for the former....but it would probably be the latter. That's why I love the story of Peter so much. There couldn't have been a disciple more full of himself and his abilities than Peter. His fall from grace to betrayal to redemption to impactful ministry gives me hope each day that God can still use me, despite my numerous failings and flaws.

As I reflected on that verse, I was reminded as well of the many times He's made impacts on my life. Sometimes directly...sometimes through prayer and Bible study...and sometimes through other people. If I really kept an account of all the times He's shown Himself to me in these forty-one years, there would be more than a book could hold, too.

The really great part? My story's not over.

He's still writing it...and I'm trying hard to play the part He has for me without getting in His way.

As much as life can get me down at times...each day I wake up and remind myself that this is the day He has made, and it's another chapter in my story. It may be a great victory, a disappointing loss, a mess of my own making, or a turnabout of events I never saw coming. It's all a part of His plan...and I'm glad my story resides in much more capable hands than mine.

God has brought me quite a long way in the past months...and I look forward to where He's taking my story in the future.

Here's hoping that I have open eyes and ears to see and hear the many stories He's yet to teach me...and to remembering each one.

Perspective...

2011-05-18T09:07:00.004-04:00

I love optical illusions...not just for the tricks it plays on your mind...but because it's a matter of perspective...we know it's just a static picture...but when you look at it, it seems to be rotating...our perspective of looking at the same thing changes what we see...

I'm not going to lie...it's been a rough stretch. The last week has been a wringer emotionally, capped off by the going-home celebration for a man I deeply loved and respected, my grandfather. It's easy to sit in the depths of sorrow and self-pity...but if there's one thing I learned while being sick with kidney failure, it's that when those times overtake me and threaten to pull me under to drown, I just need to choose to find perspective and realizes I'm blessed, and there are others going through more than me, and I can help myself by helping and supporting them. Again, I said I CHOOSE to do it...it's not natural, and it's not easy...but for me, it's critical. It doesn't take much to send me into a sad or depressed spiral downward...and I'm usually more than happy to feed the beast. In CHOOSING not to, I change my perspective, and that makes my life easier and better and, hopefully, makes me a better influence on those around me. Here's a few things I'm holding on to and being active in today:

- We had a great time celebrating my wife's birthday. I spent time shopping for her on Monday afternoon and had a ball doing it. When I got home, I took the kids aside and told them they could pick out a present to give to Mom from them. Not surprisingly, they choose to give her all of them, leaving me with just my card. She seems to like them, and the kid's cards made her really and truly smile, which made my day. I treasure her smiles, the kind where her eyes crinkle almost completely shut, and her contagious laugh. Just getting one of those can turn my day around instantly.

- I've got two sets of friends waiting to make their families complete. Todd and Nic are traveling home now from bonding time with a little guy soon to be #5 in their family. They have started the proceedings, and will return to bring him home soon. They are full of hope and joy, yet still apprehensive, because he's not officially theirs yet. Derry and Janelle have already done that, but now must wait on pins and needles as their return to get Katylynn's little brother depends on things completely out of their hands. If you want to pray specifically for me along with them, click here...I know they would appreciate the prayer support. I think I know how that must feel, to wait for something God's led you to, but know it's in His time and hands, and not theirs. All I can say is His time has always shown to be better than my time...and I stand in the gap in prayer with these two amazing couples.

- A couple I know, about the same age as me, has recently found out that she has cancer in her chest and lymph nodes. She's had surgery, but now is preparing to start treatments of chemotherapy to eradicate it from her body. The doctors are optimistic, and their attitude is positive, but I know the doubt and fear that creeps in when things seem to be against you. They have a great relationship, love each other and Jesus, and have a strong support system...and that's much more than most. Knowing how it feels to be sick and how it feels to be "healed", I'm standing in the gap with them and praying for a full recovery.

- The love of my wife and kids. Having nearly lost this last fall, I am doing my best to not only not take it for granted, but to delight in it daily. My daughter and I butted heads last night, but after walking away frustrated, she came back to me a little later and we restored the relationship. Knowing she needed to know we were "OK" before going to bed meant alot to me, and her willingness to do so on her own spoke volumes to me. My son is growing up way too fast, and our conversations are starting to turn more from kiddie things to things of a young adult. He asks lots of questions, and it's given me opportunities to talk to him about life in general, and has really opened up doors to a deeper relationship with him. As he heads to junior high next year, I really want to be intentional about being present and available to him. And my wife...I could do a series of posts on her, but suffice it to say for now she has been a picture of unconditional love to me, and it has changed my life.

- A chance to serve. After the events of last year, I made my peace with the fact that God probably would never choose to use me again...but thankfully, he's had a better idea. He brought a new friend into my life a few months before transplant. We not only hit it off immediately, but were able to share confidentially and intimately about areas we need to be accountable in. When we get together to talk, he's not only willing to share about his failures and resolve to get better, but to ask me to hold him accountable, and to ask the hard questions to do the same for me. It's not easy...but God is present in it. He's given me a chance to invest in someone despite my failures in the past...and without knowing it, that person has given me a renewed will to stay on the path I'm journeying on. To see his zeal to want to be a better husband, father, and man of God and how hard he's trying has inspired me to step it up in my own life. I would have understood if God would have just left me on the sidelines...but He's chose to use me anyway, and it means alot to me.

I know this post has been pretty long...and you should know, this one was for me. After putting all of this down on paper, I do feel much better, and know I have plenty of areas to invest my energy in rather than feeling sorry for myself. It's a much better feeling to stand alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ and say "I'm here...and I've got your back." It makes everything else seems smaller and much less painful...and that's where I need to be.

I know when Jesus was here on earth He was often in this position. People didn't believe him, His own disciples didn't get it, and leadership was not only out to discredit Him, but out to kill Him. He could've focused on that...but CHOSE instead to focus on what matters most.

For me, a little perspective helps me get back on that track, providing that different way to look at something, just like that optical illusion, and gives me a whole new way to see it.

Ode To A Great Man...

2011-05-15T19:13:00.002-04:00

Today, we laid my Grandpa, Virgil Henschen, to rest. It was a beautiful service, full of many memories and tributes to a man who touched so many lives. As part of it, I wrote one myself and shared it...and now I want to share it with you. If you knew him, you'll agree...and if you never met him, you'll find out why I admire him so much...

Growing up, Grandpa seemed to be bigger than life…almost regal. I was never really close to him then, and we didn’t do much together during my formative years. When I was 26, however, he asked me to help him write his autobiography. I agreed, and was able to dive into the life of a pretty amazing man. Working through his notes and manuscripts, I learned there was so much more to him than I ever knew about…and taking the time to talk with him over the many years that followed, I not only got to know my grandfather, but to learn some very valuable lessons about the kind of man I want to be. I’d like to share a few of them with you now…

First of all, Grandpa was a man of smiles. I can’t remember a time where I ever saw him without one. No matter how his health was, good or bad, he would always greet me with that great smile of his. As a kid, I looked at this gracefully grayed man and thought he never did anything ornery in his life…and after reading his memories, I was wrong. As a youngster, he and his cousin Irvin took his uncle’s chewing tobacco pouch and filled it with horse manure. He loved not only playing pranks, but had an innate ability to laugh at himself. It put people at ease, and was one of the characteristics that made him beloved to so many. Even last week, the last time I saw him, he made me laugh. He had put on his driving cap to stay warm, and he had nodded off during our visit. When he awoke, his first words were “Chrissy took my hat!” Dad said, “No, Daddy, it’s still right on your head”, and it made us all a little sad because we knew he was confused. After reaching up and confirming to himself it was still there, he pulled it off, held it out in front of him, and with a huge smile, he said, “No, it’s not!” It was perfectly timed to take the weight out of the room, and remind me that the man that I loved was still there. He was a man of smiles….and those smiles encouraged and blessed all that came in contact with him.

He was also a man of love. This was one of the overarching qualities of his life. He loved his wives, his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. He loved his friends, his community, and his church. He always thought of others before himself, and considered their feelings in each decision he made. As a young married man, he had the chance to take a free trip to Alaska with a friend. He declined, telling his friend that he wouldn’t have a good time knowing his wife was home alone. He loved doing things with his wife, and doing things for them. For as long as I can remember, he would always give a heart shaped box of chocolates to his wife on Valentine’s Day. He was great at remembering things that made you feel special, and taking the time to do them or talk with you about them. Even as a grown man, when I would come to visit him by myself at his apartment at Miller’s, he would always ask me how Kris and the kids were…and always follow it up with two questions: “Are you loving her well?” and “Are you loving them well?” I wish I could say that the answer to that was always yes…but Grandpa loved me anyway, and always kept me accountable and encouraged me to be the best husband and father I could be. Though those two questions were hard and sometimes piercing, I loved him for loving me enough to ask, and to be willing to share his wisdom with me on how to do it. The most memorable example of his love was watching him take care of my Grandma Ruth as Alzheimer’s first took her memories, and then her mind. I can’t imagine how hard it was to watch this person you’ve spent most of your life with slowly drift away…but he never complained, and took care of her himself as best he could, even when it sapped most of his health. He waited to admit her into professional care until he physically could not do it anymore. He lived out “for better or for worse, in sickness or in health” for me…and gave me a shining example about what real and true love is. He was a man of love…and someday, I hope and aspire to be that myself.

He was a man of contentment. Grandpa lived through the Great Depression, so he knew early on what it meant to have nothing and to be content anyway. He did without a lot of things I know I think I need or just take for granted. He first wanted to be an eye doctor, but didn’t have the money for schooling. He could have been bitter, but instead searched for a different path God had for him. He became an agent for Standard Oil on faith and a prayer to God… (Read passages on pg. 42) Once he had built his business there, he had an opportunity to take over the territory close to his childhood home. This was his answer: (Read passage on pg 46). He was satisfied…and that says a lot about the kind of man he was. In his book, he shares how God carried him through the many years Grandma was sick. (read pg. 90-91) Interestingly, my wife and I were visiting with him just a few months ago and asked him if Miller’s felt like home to him now. His answer was that exact same verse. I’m sure many things have happened to Grandpa over his many years, and I know he had the chance to be disappointed, hurt, sad, and angry over circumstances….but he instead chose to be content where God has put him. He was a man of contentment…and I know I can still learn a lot about my own life from that.

He was a man of character. In all my years, not only have I never heard Grandpa say a cross word about anyone, I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about him. He was respected by his family and friends, his customers and business associates, and his community and church. Even in these last few days, I’ve been touched by how many people have come up to be to tell me how much they thought of him, even ones I don’t know. Grandpa gave me many things, but one of the most important is my last name. He spoke about it himself in his book: (Read pg. 95) The value of a good name is priceless, and far above anything this world has to offer. I’m thankful he was willing to hand that to me, and though I know I’ve sometimes done a terrible job with it, I want to strive to be worthy of the name he’s given to me. He was a man of character…and I’m so very proud to be a part of his legacy.

Finally, and most importantly, he was a man of God. Grandpa accepted Christ in August of 1927, and made his relationship with God a priority in his life. It influenced and colored every aspect of his life. In the midst of a crisis between friends and family, he prayed to God “to take him 100 miles from it”. God opened the door to a job in Wakarusa, almost exactly 100 miles from where he lived. He instilled God’s word and His way to live in his children, and gave back and invested in others to help multiply God’s kingdom as a teacher, leader, and deacon for this church. He prayed for his family daily, and took great joy in seeing them grow in God’s word and see them serving and investing in others. When I visited him, I often brought him books to read, and his favorites were about God. He read his bible cover to cover many times, and could speak and share the many things God taught him. He made God a priority and integral part of his life….not just something he did on Sundays. I know if he were here today, as pleased as he would be by your love and support, his final call to all of you would be that you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior as He did. He would want to see all of you up in Heaven with him someday. He was a man of God…and a great example to me of Jesus with skin on during his time here with us.

As sad as it is to know he’s gone, I’m so happy that he’s home in heaven. He’s got a new body, worshipping in the presence of God, and reconnecting with many family and friends, including some of his grandchildren that went to be with Jesus before any of us got to know them here. Even today, I can just picture Jesus and Grandpa just sitting on a cloud, looking down at all of us gathered here. Jesus slips his arm around Grandpa’s shoulders, and with a smile, tells him” Well done, my good and faithful servant!” and Grandpa just smiles his best smile in return. That’s what I see….and as his grandson and fellow brother in Christ, that’s what I want to hear someday. Grandpa, we love you, we miss you, and can’t wait to see you again.

"Little" Things I'm Thankful For...

2011-05-11T10:14:00.003-04:00

You know....I haven't done a random list in a while....so here goes....

The following is a list of things that my new kidney has allowed me to do:

- eat bacon. Yes...that lovely strip of pork fried to a crispy golden brown....it's just heavenly.

- eat potatoes. Another forbidden food on dialysis. Baked, mashed, tots, fries..it's all good.

- take a real shower. With my permanent cath for dialysis, I had to wash my hair in the tub faucet, then shower from the chest down, and use a washcloth to clean the rest, avoiding my site. Just standing under a steaming shower was a thing of beauty.

- wear sweats EVERYWHERE. While my incision is healing, pants and jeans are hard to wear since the button is right at the bottom of my stitches. I loved it at first...but now looking forward to dressing like a normal adult soon.

- drink colas....and drink in general. Before the transplant, I was very limited on the amount of fluid I could ingest, as too much would just have to be pulled off in dialysis. Now, they want me to drink about a gallon a day to keep the kidney working...and it's a thing of beauty. It's also working so well, they've asked me to drink more dark colas, since it's clearing too much phosphorus from my system, something else that dialysis couldn't do.

- Given me back almost 12 hours in the week. My Tuesday and Thursday treatments are no longer...making me feel like I can resume a normal workday. Once my physical restrictions have been lifted, I'll have the time to do all facets of my job in the way I feel I need to. As a guy, that's important.

- given me back my Saturdays. This is a huge one. For almost two years, I would leave home at about 11 and return at nearly 5. I missed so much time with my family on the one day we have at home together. It's a wonderful feeling just to hang with them, even if we have nothing planned. I know I don't take it for granted anymore.

- just feeling better. As my body continues to heal, I feel more and more of my strength and endurance returning. I can't wait to start doing cardio and working out again. The energy I feel grows each day, and I don't miss the worn out feeling that the anemia that accompanies kidney failure brings.

- Eat bacon. It's so good, it merits being mentioned twice...as do potatoes.

- Going underwater. This may sound silly, but I've always enjoyed swimming. Whether at the pool, lake, or ocean, I can spend all day in the water..and with that cath, I couldn't do it...just resigned to sit and watch my kids and everyone else enjoy it. I cannot wait to dive in this summer.

- A new perspective. Being sick for so long really has made me appreciate the health I do have, and not to take it for granted. I'm taking better care of myself, and hope to keep the gift that Shelley gave me for many, many years. I also understand better now that my life is not in my hands, it's in His...and that's a much better place for it to be.

I'm sure I can think of many more...but I'll stop here for now. God has led me on an amazing journey...and is still teaching me new things about it daily. I pray that He can use my experience to help others going through it or other long-term illnesses, just like others have come along beside me.

So, if your day hasn't been what you'd hoped it would be, take a minute to just be thankful for some of the "little things" like these...and understand how "big" they would be if they're taken away. Here's hoping we can all find joy in our lives today.

What If Your Blessings Come Through Raindrops...

2011-05-04T15:19:00.002-04:00

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

The lyrics above are from a beautifully written song called "Blessings" by Laura Story. I'm probably way behind the boat on this one, but I heard it for the first time this past Sunday in small church when Pastor Justin shared a lesson on praise with us. He talked about how we not only need to praise God when things are going really well...but also when it seems like we're drowning. No matter how bad things get, there are always reason to praise Him...and finding a little perspective in the midst of it can show us that things could always be worse.

This song, though, really touched me. It felt like the thoughts I've had so many nights over the past two years. I won't lie...sometimes it felt like God was the furthest thing from me..and that He either just didn't care about me, or that He wanted me to be miserable and depressed. Some was from circumstance beyond my control...but much from my own mistakes and bad choices. I didn't feel worthy of anyone's love, let alone God's...so why would I think He cared about me?

Hindsight is a pretty amazing thing. Looking back now on the past two years, I can see His hand all over it. My sickness, though not fun at all, taught me that I can't control everything. Some things are out of my hands, and I have to trust in God to take care of them...and learned the hard way that He always has a better plan than I do anyway. Waiting almost 2 years to find a match and have the transplant was heart wrenching and an emotional roller coaster...but God knew that I wasn't where I needed to be, and he patiently had me wait and endured my cries and anger, knowing that I would appreciate it and be really ready for it in His time. Last fall, my house of cards fell down when the mistakes I had made in my personal life came to light. I was very caught up in people's perception of me...and this pretty much took that all away. While I was in the depths of depression about this, God used that time to break me, and start from scratch to begin to mold me into a man of character, one that He could finally be proud of. Did God want me to make those bad choices? No way...but He came alongside me and kept loving despite how bad I disappointed Him, and used and is still using it to teach and guide me...and even to help others avoid the path I chose.

You see...those sleepless nights when I cried out to God asking "Where are you? Why aren't you here? Why aren't you making this better? Why did you leave me now, when I needed you the most?! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!"

In His still small voice, He said this: "I'm right beside you...where I've always been...and I'll wait here patiently until you can finally see me because I love you so desperately. I haven't gone anywhere...you did."

Last August, I finally heard and saw Him. After being broken for Him, and turning my life back over to His lead...I watched Him get to work. He took my wife who no one would have blamed for leaving, and gave her a heart of forgiveness and restoration, and our relationship is stronger now than it has ever been. He took a church that we were new to, and made it our home, and surrounded us with people that truly love us for us. He brought people into our lives that I would have never thought of to stand in the gap for us, and to support us unconditionally. All blessings to be sure...and believe me, it came along with flash floods of raindrops and rivers of tears...but in my life, the best lessons I've learned have come through some of the hardest times of my life.

Even the other night, as I held my wife and we shared our sorrows and disappointment and some things that still hurt and sting, I had to be reminded of how He has blessed us in all the ways I listed above...and be reminded that if He can bring us through all of that, He can and has a plan to bring us the rest of the way.

Can I see it now? Nope.
Do I need to? Nope.

I trust Him...and I strive to be open to His lead when He chooses to include me in the process. I try to run everything I do and say through this filter:

1. Will this honor God?
2. Will this honor my wife and family?
3. Will this cause someone to stumble, fall, or think poorly of Christ because of my
actions or words?

Do I always succeed? Not on your life...but taking a few seconds to run my thoughts through that filter have saved me from making big mistakes more than once.

I guess what I'm really trying to get at is this:
If you're in the midst of a hard time or trial in your own life right now, don't walk away from Jesus by assuming He's walked away from you. Instead, ask Him what He wants to teach you in this...and seek His word and spend time listening in prayer to find the answer...and just remember, no matter how bad things are...He's right there, just waiting for you to collapse in His mighty arms and say "I'm done, Jesus...it's yours."

As I'm finishing this, God has laid it on my heart to pray for anyone who reads this and feels that way....and I'm going to do that. If you want me to pray for you personally and specifically, you can drop me an email at this address. Promise it'll be between you, me and Him.

Thanks for listening to me ramble...and here's hoping we can find God's blessings in the midst of raindrops today. Here's Laura's song..and the album is called "Blessings":

1.62

2011-05-04T15:10:00.002-04:00

Yep.

That's my creatinine level from my blood draw yesterday.

It's the lowest level I've had since I left the hospital post-transplant a month ago.

It's also exactly what we asked God for on April 23rd.

That's God showing up in a pretty big and amazing way.

That's many, many people lifting me and my family up in prayer.

Just when I think I've seen God work and move in incredible ways...He just does it again, telling me this: "Rob, no matter if you see Me or not...I'm always here...and I'm always working for your good, even when it doesn't seem like it." I'm really happy God doesn't me to notice, understand, or even fully believe in His power to work in my life...but I'm trying hard to leave things at His feet everyday, and not to take them on myself.

To all of you who've been praying: Thanks...you truly did make a difference...it couldn't have happened without you.

Update on 1.6...

2011-04-30T16:10:00.002-04:00

Sorry about the delay...and I texted some of you and updated my Twitter, but I know that doesn't reach all of you...so here it is....

I went down to Indy on Friday for my checkup post-transplant. As we waited, I felt much better than I did after my consultation a week ago. Tuesday, we met with a different doctor, one that wasn't there this past Friday. The one that was worried about my creatinine was a student, and they are taught to look for everything, and the signs he saw gave him worry that I was dehydrated, and that the kidney may be showing signs of failure. Turns out, the more experienced doc said the increased level was due to high levels of Prograf, one of my anti-rejection medications. He decreased the dose starting Tuesday night, and when we returned on Friday and did labs again, the creatinine was down to 1.7. I also heard between Tuesday and Friday from 2 former transplant recipients and one transplant nurse that this is a very common occurance, for the meds to raise the creatinine level while they are in the process of dialing in exactly what dose is right for your body. So, when we got the results Friday, I felt like it would be down, and it was.

Now, you may say that God had nothing to do with it...just a doctor reading more into my results than what was there. That may be true, but I choose to believe God still allowed this to happen to remind me that He is still in control, and that I need to trust and have faith in Him. He didn't bring the 1.6 on Tuesday...but I know He'll bring the 1.6 at my next blood draw. He didn't answer my prayer exactly how I had planned, choosing instead to do it in His time...and to remind me that on my own, I can't do anything...but with Him, I can do everything.

The team was also so pleased with my healing and my tests that they have moved me from twice a week to once a week, a week earlier than usual....and since they will be in South Bend next week, I don't have to go back to Indy for two weeks, which is great in itself.

So, to all you that have been praying, thanks...you did make a difference...and it did give me peace no matter what we would have found out. I really appreciate it...and so thankful I have so many that truly care about me and my family.

So, back to enjoying that family...have a great weekend!

"Heaven Is For Real" - My Review

2011-04-27T06:18:00.004-04:00

I was given a copy of this book by a good friend of ours. She said she read it in a day. I had also heard from my mother and some others that it was worth a read. On the front, it said it has sold over 2 million copies, so many people are reading it as well. Here's my review...

"Heaven Is For Real" by Todd Burpo is the story of his oldest son, Colton. When Colton was four, his appendix burst and wasn't diagnosed for 5 days. Once they finally figured it out, Colton was full of the poisons and nearly died. Through lots of prayers and the diligent work of the medical staff, Colton came through and was fine. What the book is about, though, is what Colton began to share with his father after he came home. Colton shared with his family that he was in heaven for a while during the course of his surgery to "clean out" his insides. He was never offically dead, but shared many details of what he saw and heard that seem to be far beyond the grasp of his 4 year old mind. Todd began to write down the accounts that Colton would give, and went back to check them against scripture. By all accounts, the stories seemed to be real, and Colton's story has touched many people over the years since it happened.

My take? I really enjoyed reading the book...it took me about an hour and a half on the way home from clinic in Indy yesterday. It's a short book, and an easy read. Parts of the book really moved me, both as a Christian, but even more so as a parent. Todd's account of the helplessness he felt as his boy was close to death really got to me....and his wonder at Colton's revelations were touching as well. It's well done, and worth a read, in my opinion.

Now, to get to the question I'm sure everyone who's read this is asking: Did Colton really go to heaven and see all this? Did he not, and get a vision of it? Or did Dad and others ask him leading questions and either teach him the answers, or maybe he drew from what he learned in church and just being around his dad, a pastor of a small church? I'm sure it's possible...and people will believe what they want to, regardless of what the book lays out. For me, I choose to believe it. I do believe that God still uses people today just like He did back when Christ walked the earth. I believe that children can often be the ones to be the vessels, because they aren't jaded and worn as we adults are. I've seen God work in miraculous ways, not just in my own life, but in the lives of others I know. Sure, it would be easy to doubt what Todd writes...just as easy as it is to doubt the many miracles and signs Jesus did in His time on earth, and the ones we've seen with our own eyes. Who am I to say Colton's stories are true or not? I choose to believe they are...and in doing so, it reinforces my hope and faith that heaven is an amazing place...and I look forward to seeing it for myself someday.

Final word: Pick up a copy of this book, or you can borrow mine. Read it for yourself, and make your own decision....just remember, people have been doubting God since the world began...and He just keeps showing up.

Good news, unexpected delivery...

2011-04-26T18:00:00.002-04:00

Well, we are back home now, tired from the long day that began at 4 a.m., but glad nonetheless. Like I said in my tweets, the Prograf (antirejection drug) level came back at 9.5, a full point higher than Fridays level. The uptick in my Prograf level almost mirrors the jump in creatinine, and both the doctor I saw today and the surgeon who did my transplant agree that this is most likely the culprit, and have reduced my dosage starting tonight. Ill go back on Friday, and hopefully both numbers will be more in line with the norm. We appreciate all the prayers for 1.6, and I'm still confident ill get there...just not the way we thought. He knows what's best, and we still trust in Him and His lead...and we felt each and every prayer lifted up on our behalf.

Thank you so very much.

I wanted to share a passage passed on to me by Rachel...as it's very appropriate. Thanks, Rachel!

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

(Hebrews 11:39-40, NIV)

update...

2011-04-26T10:48:00.002-04:00

Its 11 a.m., and we are still up in the air. Creatinine level was 1.94, down a bit from 1.95 on Friday. The doc I saw today, though, thinks the inflated level is due to too much Prograf in my system, which is one of my antirejection drugs. He showed us the last few labs, and the prograf and creatinine levels have been climbing together. We are waiting now for the prograf levels from this morning to come back. If the number is still high, they will lower my dose, and the creatinine should drop to normal as well. If prograf is low....well, let's not worry about that until we have to! So, maybe God's still answering it, but in a different way...but regardless, I'm in His hands. Ill keep you updated when I hear something....thanks for praying!

The Power Of Being Prayed For...

2011-04-25T14:43:00.004-04:00

When I posted about the 1.6, I was really going to be OK if my wife and I were the only ones who were going to be doing it...and that would have been fine. I wanted to be obedient, and to ask specifically, just like we are asked to in the Bible. But what happened after I posted it....well, it blew me away.

After 5 minutes after I posted, I got a tweet from a friend saying he'd be praying. An hour later, my donor texted to tell me she's in with us as well. Moments later, someone from another state joined the cause, reminding me later that one of the verses Shelley used in her post about this was Phillipians 1:6...you could call it conincidence...but I'll call it a cool little sign God was hearing those prayers already. From there, it seemed to just spread and blossom.

I've heard from a number of people already that are praying alongside of us. A group from our small church prayed over us on Sunday. I've prayed for many people...and that's always rewarding and exciting to see how God shows up...

But being prayed for? Well, that's something entirely different. It's humbling, moving, and just plain inspiring. I still don't know what God's plan is here...but if it doesn't happen, it won't be for lack of asking. It's just really special to know that so many care and are willing to jump in with both feet and stand in the gap with us. God never meant us to go it alone...and it's comforting that we've had people with us every step of the way so far.

Like the old adage says, I don't know the future...but I know who holds the future...and that's ok with me. We leave at 4 am tomorrow, and should know my creatinine level by sometime after 10 a.m. I'll update via Twitter, and you can catch that at the top right of my blog. Thanks for praying...and don't stop!

In Christ Alone...

2011-04-24T18:07:00.004-04:00

I'll admit....I've been letting my worry get the best of me.

I struggled with it last night...didn't sleep too well...and just couldn't find a comfortable way to lay either...so lots of time to just think about how far away Tuesday seems to be. I knew I should be praying in those moments, and claiming victory over these attacks...but instead I just gave in to those thoughts of fear and assuming the worst will happen. I was a grump all last night...and still in a bit of a funk this morning.

We took off for NMC to celebrate Easter Sunday. Little did I know it was just what I needed. The worship was all about Christ's victory over the grave, which is exactly what I needed to hear. In the midst of this, they baptized a couple of people. One was a lady who found out about a year ago that she had lesions in her brain and lungs and they had already metastasized. Her prognosis wasn't good...but she's been fighting for over a year now. She still isn't cured...but wanted to publicly signify her faith and willingness to follow God, no matter where His path is taking her. That literally broke me.

To follow that, Don came back and began to lead us in "In Christ Alone". As we sang, the lyrics spoke directly to my heart:

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

At that point, I just had to bow my head and just tell God this: "Ok...you got me. I hear you...and I chose to follow and believe that all of this is in your hands. It's one thing to say it, but quite another to really do it. This number of 1.6 we're praying for, my worry about waiting until Tuesday, thinking every little thing my body feels is a problem..I'm ready to lay it down at your feet. It's really yours...and I trust You and am ready to follow You down where ever this road will lead."

In that moment, I finally felt free from it...free from the worry...free from the doubts and fears...just free. I know I'm doing all I can on my end...whatever happens from here, it's out of my hands, and I need to trust in Him. He's brought me this far...and after seeing how He's brought me through the last eight months, who I am to doubt Him anyway?

In Christ alone, I have my strength...and that's more than enough for me.

Stepping Out In Faith...

2011-04-23T10:51:00.002-04:00

My friend, Rachel, commented on my post from yesterday with this:

A little over a year ago, I asked everyone to pray for a specific creatinine number for Mags so that she could avoid a kidney biopsy. When we went back to Memorial, her Creatinine hadn't gone down - in fact I think it went up. But we kept praying. We were sent to Riley, spent the night there - anticipating the biopsy the next morning. They took blood that morning (as usual) and came back to tell us that her creatinine had gone down and was the exact number I had asked everyone to pray for. I started laughing b/c GOD had answered our prayers. He wants us to ask for things in faith with BIG faith! Be specific! :)

Maggie never had that biopsy and her creatinine levels keep going down as her kidneys keep recovering.

So, what specific number do you want people to pray for? And then you wait and watch for that number to pop back at you on Tuesday! :)

I must admit...I'm a little embarrassed that thought didn't cross my mind.....O me of little faith, I guess. I love Rachel's faith, especially since I saw her live it out over the course of Maggie's fight in the past. She's been a great encouragement to me, and also has been one to push me out of my comfort zone. It's hard for me to ask for prayer for myself anyway...and to throw out a specific number...well, it just feels presumptous. But like Rachel says, God wants us to ask for things in faith with BIG faith...so here it is:

My creatinine was 1.9...a few appointments ago it was 1.5-1.6, which is about where my nephrologist thinks my final baseline may fall at. I've never been lower than 1.45. So, here's what I'm asking you that are praying to pray for...the number I'm looking for is 1.6. This would be a significant decline in my number which would avoid the biopsy...actually, any decline would avoid the biopsy, but hitting 1.6 would alleviate many of the doctor's concerns. So that is SPECIFICALLY what I'm asking God for...and if you would like to come alongside of me in this and pray as well, I would much appreciate it.

I'll keep you posted as to what my level is after my appointment on Tuesday morning...and who am I to doubt the God who created the universe?

God is God...and Easter Sunday tomorrow is a clear reminder of His power and His boundless love for us.

Thanks.

Another Checkup....

2011-04-22T19:06:00.003-04:00

Today I went back down to Indy for another checkup. These happen twice a week right now, and today I was driven down by my friend, Jeff Kitson. It's a really long day beginning at 4 am, but the time flew by, and I really enjoyed spending the day with him, and appreciate his willingness to do so.

Everything went as usual until I saw one of the nephrologists (kidney doctors). Most of my lab work looked just fine, but they were concerned about my level or creatinine. Creatinine is a toxin that builds up in your in your bloodstream when your kidneys don't work. Even with dialysis, my creatinine level at the day of my transplant was a little over 10, with 1 being a normal level. My creatinine level was 1.9 today, but what caught the eye of my doctor is that in my last 3 appointments, the level grew by .1 each time.

This initially unnerved me, as losing this precious gift would be devastating. The doctor then proceeded to ask me what my donor looks like and what size she was. I explained she was much shorter and smaller than me, and he told me that the kidney Shelley gave me was specially made for her and her size, and that since I'm bigger and have more weight and muscle mass, it just won't be able to get that number down as low as one of my own kidneys could. He said my permanent level will end up being around 1.5 to 1.9, which is about where I'm at.

Like I said, the progressive increase over the last three appointments is what concerned him. He worried dehydration could be contributing to it. They already have me drinking at least 4 liters a day, which is about a gallon. Problem is, Lil' Shelley is working so well, I'm outputting more than than I'm taking in. This will correct itself in time as the donated kidney acclimates itself to me, but for now, it's something I really have to watch, and to drink as much as I possibly can. Even when I get up to go in the middle of the night, they want me to try to drink 20 oz. every time I do. That's alot of fluid people...and I'm already going about every 60-90 minutes...but I'll do it if that's best for my kidney.

So I go back on Tuesday for my next check-up, and hopefully my creatinine level will have dropped, or at the very least, stayed stable. If not, they plan to take a biopsy of the kidney to ensure that it's functioning fine, and not starting the process of rejection. I'm not showing any physical signs of any problem with the kidney other than my creatinine level. The doc told me not to be alarmed...and they gave me two liters of saline to add to my hydration before I left. They said it could also be tied to dialing in the level of my anti-rejection meds, or due to some other factors, but the biopsy, if needed, will point them directly to whatever the issue is.

So, Tuesday is four days away. That's a long time to wait and worry about this. I know they told me not to...but it's hard to shake it. I resolve to hydrate as much as I can, and to leave the rest in His almighty hands. This kidney is not mine, it's His...and I trust in His plan and His will....I'll just have to remind myself of that about a billion times the weekend when those worries start creeping in.

For those of you that are praying, I do covet your prayers in this area not only for me, but for my wife, too. And while you are on your knees, send some up for Derry and Janelle Prenkert. They leave Easter Sunday to travel overseas to meet their little boy for the first time, and start the process to finalize the adoption in his native courts. If you want to know their schedule and how to pray specifically, click on their names. They are a very special couple, and so glad God decided that they were the ones to take care of this little man.

Thanks for following along...but thanks most of all for your prayers...couldn't do it without them.

The In-Between...

2011-04-20T08:22:00.002-04:00

I had another checkup down at Indy yesterday. What a beautiful day...poured on us the whole way down....poured while we were there...and poured until we got north of Kokomo on the way back. Gotta love spring!

Everything was OK at the checkup. The doctors were pleased with my progress, and I seem to be healing well. I've noticed that even though I'm still pretty tender and sore, I can do more than I could a week ago. I can begin to bend at the waist to pick something up off the floor, rather than squatting down to get it. Getting in and out of bed is much easier than it was. I spent most of yesterday either on my feet or sitting up in a chair, and the pain level this morning is surprisingly low, given how much a day of activity hurt me last week.

Right now, I'm in the in-between. I'm not as bad as I was two weeks ago, but I'm not there yet. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did...but it still hurts. I can do more than I could last week..but I can't yet do the things I did before.

I'm not complaining...don't get me wrong. I'm so thankful for the transplant, and my body is already reaping the benefits. I think it's just more impatience...as I start to feel better, I just want to be better. I don't want to wait for the end of the process...I want it to come now.

I need to remember God's timing through all of this...and I need to remember that it's not mine, but safe in His hands. His timing has been perfect so far, so who am I to know when it all should happen.

I am choosing to be content in the in-between...and trust and have faith it'll all happen in his time.

Hosanna...

2011-04-18T12:12:00.002-04:00

Yesterday at NMC, I was really happy to be back "home" after a few weeks away for my transplant. As we were worshipping at the beginning, we were singing "Hosanna" by Paul Baloche. It really got me thinking that this was Palm Sunday, when Christ made his triumphant entry into Jerusalem. As we reached the chorus, the doors opened on both sides of the stage, and children began flowing in with palm fronds and lined the entire front, waving them as we all sang together.

Let me tell you...for a while I couldn't sing. I've seen this before...but this time it really moved my heart. In my mind's eye, I could see the streets lined with children and their families cheering and praising Jesus as a conquering king, here to save them from oppression. Little did they know, in less than a week, they would be calling for his death on the cross.

They didn't know....but He did.

He knew....and He came anyway.

Watching those children smiling and waving their palms, I was touched not only by their innocence and beauty, but by the selfless act of Christ, knowing that the donkey He was riding in on was bringing Him to His end.

This brings back to mind a passage from Max Lucado's "And The Angels Were Silent"...it talks about Jesus being the garden praying for this cup to be taken from Him...and once He knew it was finally His to take...these thought were on His mind:

In that moment, He chose you.

"He saw you. Right there in the middle of a world that isn't fair. He saw you cast into a river of life you didn't request. He saw you betrayed by those you love. He saw you with a body that gets sick and a heart that grows weak.

He say you in your Garden of Gethsemane - and He didn't want you to be alone.

He wanted you to know that He has been there, too. He knows what it's like to be plotted against. He knows what it's like to be confused. He knows what it's like to be torn between two desires. He knows what it's like to smell the stench of Satan. And, perhaps most of all, He knows what it's like to beg God to change His mind and to hear God say so gently, but firmly, "No."

For that is what God says to Jesus. And Jesus accepts the answer. At some moment during that midnight hour an angel of mercy comes over the weary body of the man in the garden. As He stands, the anquish is gone from His eyes. His fist will clench no more. His heart will fight no more.

The battle is won. You may have thought it was won on Golgotha. It wasn't. You may have thought the sign of victory is the empty tomb. It isn't. The final battle was won in Gethsemane. And the sign of conquest is Jesus at peace in the olive trees.

For it was in the garden that He made his decision:

He would rather go to hell for you than go to heaven without you."

God loves me, and you that much. That was always hard for me to fully understand and accept until this Easter. I know what it is to let someone down, to shatter their world, to break their heart, and I know what its like to be prayed for by that same person, to be allowed back in to restore and rebuild, and to be loved unconditionally despite my many faults and failures. Just seeing that lived out every day right in front of me has broken and changed me for the better. It still blows me away every day...that's the just a little bit of unconditional love that Jesus showed by dying for us on the cross.

Hosanna is defined as "a shout of fervent and worshipful praise". Just as the kids did yesterday...just as the crowds did over 2000 years ago....the selfless love and sacrifice that Jesus made, and seeing it lived out by my incredible wife makes me want to shout with praise.

I am so undeserving...yet so completely blessed.

Hosanna, indeed.

Hosanna to the highest!

The Weekend....

2011-04-16T07:13:00.003-04:00

Ah, the weekend.

I know for most of you, this is nothing really special...but for me, today is a landmark. For the past two years, my Saturdays have included a 5-6 hour window that I'd have to be away from my wife and family going to and from and getting dialysis. It didn't seem as bad during my treatments in the week...but the Saturday one was always hard. It was the one day I had with no commitments, and one we could all spend together. Once dialysis started, that was taken away from me. You don't realize how much you miss something until it's gone...and losing my Saturdays was really hard.

This Saturday? Well, it started out with waking from a good night's sleep to go downstairs and see my kids already up and watching TV. Now, they are playing a video game together....and enjoying each other's company! That warms my heart. After my wife awakens, I will cook a breakfast feast, with bacon and potatoes, two forbidden foods on a dialysis diet. If the weather turns, we will go up and check out the festival in our town....if not, we will spend time together here at our house. No matter what we do...it'll be together...and that's due to the selfless gift from a friend. Just being able to be home today...it's a blessing, and one I will never take for granted again.

I think, in honor of this day, I will take the rest of the weekend off from the computer. Here's hoping you enjoy your weekend as well!

Feeling Better...

2011-04-15T08:47:00.003-04:00

Sorry for those of you that have been following closely that I didn't post yesterday...it was a very busy day. For those of you that don't follow closely...you may have never known!

Wednesday was a really hard day for me physically. From being on my feet more than I had since surgery, combined with the ride home from Indy, I think I overdid it...and I paid for it that day. I spent most of the day flat on the couch trying not to move. I was just really sore...and since I had take more pain meds than usual, my stomach wasn't settled either. It was just a long day...but enough about that.

Yesterday I woke up feeling so much better. Nearly no pain, and I started the day early with lab work at Goshen Hospital. Once that was finished, I went into work for while. I caught up with alot of paperwork, and returned some phone calls. It feel good and normal to be back in for a while. I know I need to rest and not push it too hard to recover, but I'm not really the type of guy that can still still all day. (Though I am enjoying the Vince Lombardi documentary that's playing as I type this...) I just like being busy...and those few hours in the office lifted my spirits. I then traveled to South Bend to meet with the IU transplant team. They come up once a month to help those that need to meet with them, like I do, so they don't always have to make that drive.

I got there 10 minutes early and checked in. 50 minutes later we found out that the receptionist never alerted the nurses I was there. (sigh...) I met with my surgeon, and he was very happy with my progress, and that helped me feel better as well. He told me the different pains and swelling I am having is completely normal, and I'm right on track. Lil' Shelley is still working perfectly, and with each blood test I have, the toxins trapped in my blood from my own kidneys failing continue to drop every time. I'm almost normal. (Please refrain from comments on that sentence!)

After returning home, I still felt good enough to make dinner for the family. Don't be too impressed...it was chipped beef on toast...and had a visit from a great friend to round out the night. I slept the best I have since surgery, and I woke up feeling good, despite the activity of yesterday, which made me happy.

I know Shelley has had a few good days in a row now, too...and that's encouraging. I feel like we are both turning the corner. Though it will be a while yet until we are completely healed, we are past the worst of it, in my opinion.

So, today I will rest some...do some office work on my computer...and hopefully get out and walk a little bit and keep stretching those stitched together muscles. The Maple Syrup Festival is this weekend here in town, so I hope to get up and enjoy some of the events with my family. In all, I'm feeling better, and looking forward to the weekend.

Hopefully, the posts about my health will slow, and I can get back to writing about things you and I are much more interested in...but thanks for your concern, thoughts, and prayers!

Counting My Blessings...

2011-04-13T14:31:00.002-04:00

Though it's nice to be home today, it's been one of the roughest ones yet. I think I'm feeling the after-effects of alot of time on my feet and in the car. I felt pretty good then....but wondering if I overdid it a little. My abdominal muscles had to be cut through to insert the kidney, then sewn tightly back together. Part of the reason they want you up and walking right away is to keep those muscles from healing back bunched up...they want you to stand and walk and stretch it out back to normal. I've also been trying to step back on my pain meds, as I wanted to get off them as soon as possible...but I've needed them today. There's also still alot of swelling in there from the surgery, and the pressure from that is bothering me today, too.

It's kinda frustrating...feeling like I'm going backwards and having more pain than I did previously. It was starting to affect my attitude...but then I was reminded by my wife that I did have a kidney transplant a week ago. I know that sounds obvious...but I needed to hear that. It has been almost exactly 7 days from the surgery, and I got out of the hospital in 4 days, ahead of most, and am more mobile than most from what I've heard. I'm just not a patient person, and when I see a little setback, it normally hits me pretty hard and makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. I also got a call from one of my nurses at IU checking in to see how I was doing. I shared it with her, and she encouraged me that it was very normal to feel this way at this time. I also know how hard Shelley has had it, but is now doing much better. I've had it pretty good so far...and still so very blessed to have that kidney of hers doing a wondrous work inside me. I'm off dialysis for the first time in 2 years. I can eat a normal diet again. I have a job that allows me to be off and recover, and a wife that is selflessly manning the wheel of both our home and our business until I'm ready to come back.

Yes, I don't feel as good physically today...but when I look at where I'm at and what I've been blessed with, it makes me feel alot better. Counting your blessings usually has a way of doing that....at least for me.

If life's circumstances have you down today, here's hoping you can take some time to do what I did...and realize not only that this, too, shall pass, but that things are pretty good if we don't let the bad overshadow it.

Thanks again for your prayers...and know I have and can feel them...and they continue to make a difference.

Home Sweet Home....

2011-04-12T19:09:00.003-04:00

Home...I never thought it would be so great to be home.

After 9 days away, we got to come home today from Indianapolis. It was a long day, but so worth it to be settled in my own living room in my own chair. So glad to be here...and so amazed it hasn't even been a week since my transplant occurred. So, for those of you that are wondering, here's my day today:

This morning I arrived bright and early for my first post-transplant clinic. This will be a twice a week occurrence for about the first month, then weekly the second, then tapering down from there to once a month for the first year. It's critical for a few reasons: to keep up on the health of me and Lil' Shelley, and to find that balance between by anti-rejection meds and the strength of my immune system. First is a blood draw (only 5 tubes this time, down from 18 before transplant) then off to get my vitals taken. After that, there is a few hours of downtime as the results of the bloodwork are tested. Around 10 am, the transplant clinic opens and I see one of their nephrologists. We go over my health, address any questions or complaints, and make any adjustments to my meds. This time it was short and sweet. My labs came back right in line, and we were out of there in about 15 minutes.

From there we began the ride back home. I really was worried about this, as I didn't know how it would be to ride in a car for 2 1/2 hours as sore as I've been. Honestly, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. My wife did a fine job of driving as smoothly as possible, and it really helped. When we arrived home, my folks and father-in-law were there to help us unpack the van and settle in, along with providing us dinner for tonight and tomorrow, which was another blessing. The lawn was also mowed along with some other yard work by my parents...and that blessed me as well, knowing that the burden of all that falls on my wife until I'm back to full strength. Both of our parents have really come alongside of us to help in any way possible, and willing to keep helping until I'm all good. That's pretty cool...and we are very thankful for that.

While being thankful...I can't tell you how much I appreciate how my wife has been through all of this. From being by my side as much as she could, to taking care of everything, to carrying the load here at home and, now that we're back, at work as well....she's simply amazing. In the months leading up to transplant, we had the chance to rebuild our marriage, and I fell back in love with her deeper and harder than I ever was before. Watching her over the last week and a half, I was blown away by her loyalty, her servant's heart, and her willingness to help carry me through this time. When I was up, she rejoiced with me...when I was struggling, she encouraged me. When I had visitors, she was the consummate hostess and she was my advocate with the nurses and doctors. She was so selfless...and for someone that's wired to be the helper and not the helped, it was hard at first. But I knew I couldn't do it on my own, and I'm so thankful I didn't have to. I don't deserve her...not by a long shot...but so very proud to call her my wife. She's something special...and I see more and more things I love about her every day.

Well, the kid's bedtime is almost here, then some time with the Mrs., which will most likely involve an early bedtime, as I think we're both pretty spent from not just the day, but the whole trip. I'll spend at least the rest of the week resting and recovering...and we'll see what next week brings.

See ya tomorrow...I'm sure I'll have time to blog...

A Good Night's Sleep...

2011-04-11T08:11:00.004-04:00

Ahhh.....sleep.

I'm a guy who usually doesn't need that much sleep. I can get 5-6 hours and be just fine. However, since my transplant on Wednesday, I bet I've gotten about 11 hours total going into Sunday night. It was really wearing on me, and one of the things I prayed for with my wife last night was a good night's sleep for both Shelley and I. You just don't know how much you need sleep until you go through something like this. I don't know yet how her night was...but mine was just what I needed.

I got about 12 hours of sleep, with frequent, yet very welcome, interruptions from Lil' Shelley. They said to expect to have to go about every hour to hour and a half right now...and that seems like alot, but the more Lil' Shelley can work and process, the more acclimated it will come to my body, and the lower the chance of rejection. I decided not to be tough, too, and took some pain meds before I got in bed, and another halfway through the night, which I'm sure helped tremendously. So even with getting up a bunch, I was always able to get right back to sleep. I had some intensely weird dreams, but we'll chalk those up to the Norco.

Now I could give the credit to that good night of sleep to meds and exhaustion, but I've been exhausted for a few days now....and this was the first day I specifically prayed for it. I don't think that's a coincidence. It's not that God didn't want me to sleep....but just waited patiently until I asked for His help, then gladly stepped in to make it happen. That's pretty cool.

Something else I noticed my first night out of the hospital: I really am taking much more joy in the little things. From the chance to fall asleep holding hands with my wonderful wife, to being able to walk down to the lobby and pick up a newspaper, to snuggling with her on the couch last night watching TV...I really didn't realize how much I loved those things until I couldn't do them. For instance, today I will take a regular, full body shower for the first time in almost 2 years. With the perma-cath I had in my neck for dialysis, I couldn't get it wet, so I would wash my hair under the bath faucet, then aim the shower below my shoulders to wash the rest of me. Just being able to stand under that hot, flowing water today and let it all roll off me is going to be one of the highlights of my day. As I continue to recover and heal, the opportunity to swim with my kids in the pool and the lake will be another landmark. Even dinner last night...we had pizza with sausage and pepperoni and Diet Coke, all things forbidden on my dialysis diet. Believe me, I savored every single bite.

So when you go through your day today, try to find at least one thing that seems small and insignificant, but something you'd really miss if you couldn't do it....then take a moment to thank God for that opportunity and the ability to do it. I guarentee it'll change your attitude and outlook for the day....just as it's changed mine.

As far as how to pray specifically: Along with the sleep I talked about earlier, part of the healing process is getting active again, mostly just standing and walking. As much as it hurts sometimes, it helps the muscles and nerves to heal, and therefore is an important part of both our recoveries. Pray for the strength, patience, and perseverance to do what we can and need to do, without overdoing it and setting ourselves back. Thanks for following along on this journey. Every day, I'm still humbled and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support not only for Shelley and I, but for our kids and families. You all are amazing.

I'm Out!

2011-04-10T17:58:00.002-04:00

I was released from the hospital today around noon. Now we are back at the hotel for a few days before we come home. I'm still quite sore and tender in the abdomen, and we would have to be back down here at the hospital Tuesday morning for my first follow-up clinic, so we decided to just stay in town, rest, and re-coup until that time, then make the ride home.

It's really nice to be out of the hospital. Just the change of scenery helped to change my attitude. After spending the last 4 days in that little room, it's just nice to sit in a normal chair or couch and to be back on your own again. Now starts the process of all the medications, twice daily testing, and other stuff that comes with a transplant. I really don't mind it...because though I still have pain from the surgery, I can really tell the change in my energy levels, and the toxins in my bloodstream have dropped dramatically day after day. Dialysis basically does just enough for you to function. To truly clean your blood as a kidney does, you'd be on the machine 24/7. It's really just amazing how the whole deal works.

As far as the hospital, I would recommend IU University Health to anyone. Every single doctor, nurse, or anyone working there was great, very customer oriented, happy to answer questions, and very encouraging. The surgeon I had is one of the very best in the nation, and the post care by both the docs and the the nursing staff just made this stay a pleasure despite the physical pain. They set the tone well, and I think it helps in the recovery process.

Family and friends continue to check in and call, and it's nice to know we are loved and support by so many. I even got a call from Pastor Dave from NMC a few minutes before he went to preach the first of three services. That he'd take the time to touch base and catch up with me on such a busy day meant the world to me. We got to see the kids yesterday and today as my folks brought them down and spent the night at an indoor waterpark. They had a ball...and again, so thankful for them and all the others who have made this week lots of fun for our children.

If you want to know how to pray, here's a few. I'm still struggling with pain and lack of sleep. A restful night would be wonderful. Also, I'd like to ask you to keep praying for Shelley. They drove home today and she was still in alot of pain,
and I know she had a rough night as well. She's an amazing lady...and I can't wait until she feels back to normal. As I promised her today, the best thing I can do for her is take care of Lil' Shelley as best I can, and I will. It's a gift beyond words...and I intend to have it for a very long time.

Well, dinner is here....so I'll talk to you all tomorrow. Thanks for your love, support, and prayers....you are making a difference.

Progress...

2011-04-10T07:28:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was much better than the day before. I got some of my tubing taken out, and finally got to get dressed,which made me feel a little better. We had a few visitors, and I got my last dose of the hard immuno-suppressant medicin. It really beat me up, and I had an allergic reaction to it that kept me up itching part of the night.

On the good side, I'm still ahead of schedule. The doctors will round soon, and I'll get my permanent catheter pulled, along with my IV port. They drew blood at 5 am, and if that all comes out alright, I may be out of here by noon. That would make me happy...

Breakfast is on the way, so this one will be short and sweet. Thanks for praying, and I'll check back in later!

Day #2 After Surgery: Not So Much Fun...

2011-04-09T05:07:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was kind of a rough one. It started out pretty good, as I woke up refreshed, and did alot of walking around. After my morning usual stuff, I had to get a strong dose of immuno-suppressants so that my body's defenses are down enough so that my body doesn't attack Lil' Shelley. The coming weeks will be a process of dialing back that medication to find a balance point where the kidney is safe and I can have as much immunity as I can. The medicine I got yesterday afternoon the nurse likened to a chemotherapy treatment. I can't speak for that...but it's not alot of fun, and takes almost 6 hours to infuse. On top of that, the ol' system had slowed down, and that was causing alot of pressure in my already tender abdomen. I won't go into detail, but measures were taken to alleviate that problem and though not fun at all, they were effective. I did get to sleep about 10, and the nurses were awesome not to wake me every 2 hours to do vitals as usual, so I got about 7 hours of sleep, which I sorely needed. I woke up this morning feeling sore, but I was walking and sitting up most of the day, so that's to be expected.

I was getting down about my day yesterday, but the nurses and doctors kept coming in and telling me how great I was progressing. Even though I felt like I had taken 2 steps back, they kept encouraging me that I was really moving forward. I spent a good chunk of the day in meeting with post-surgical staff about what I needed to do to take care of Lil' Shelley when I go home with the anticipation that I may get out today or tomorrow. I know I have the last dose of the rough medication to take today, but I think that's really it. I'll see the doctors when they round and we'll know more then.

I got to see Shelley again...I walked up to her room yesterday morning. She was having a tough day, and I knew she felt awful...but her attitude was so great, that she encouraged me, and I was feeling better than she. She has been absolutely amazing through this, and I can't thank her enough not only for my kidney, but for the way she's chose to walk through this. I'm proud to call her a friend...and now, she's literally part of our family.

The person I felt bad for yesterday was my wife. I was a total crab and crank when I didn't feel well. She sat here all day and took all my grumbling and did everything she could to help me out and make me comfortable. That's unconditional love...and though I don't deserve it, I'm glad she loves me and is committed to me enough to do it on days like that. She's walking out love, grace, acceptance, and forgiveness to me on a daily basis...and I fall more in love with her again each day. I did apologize to her last night after she left...but I need to change my attitude.

Everyone here at the hospital says day 2 after surgery is the worst...so I'm hopeful for a better day today. I did have a visitor from home I was happy to spend some time with, and had many calls and texts checking in on me. Even though I wasn't feeling the best, it so nice to know so many truly care enough to make the effort to check in and encourage me. I'm so blessed.

Well, the nurses are in to start my daily stuff. I'll check back in tomorrow...but thanks for keeping up and praying. Have a great day!

Thankful...

2011-04-08T05:30:00.004-04:00

It's the morning of day 2 of this new chapter in my life. I got some pretty good sleep last night, and that helped tremendously. I was pretty sore from getting up and walking around most of the afternoon, but it really settled down by evening, and I was very comfortable all night. I've already been for another long walk this morning, and it sounds like today they may pull all my tubing except for my IV line, with the possibility of being released on Saturday, but more than likely on Sunday if things continue to progress well. The doctors, nurses, and techs have been excellent, and are great and patient to answer any and all questions as I try my best to learn how to take care of this incredible gift I've been given.

As I look back on yesterday, my primary thoughts are really just of thankfulness. I'm so thankful for those who made the trip down to Indy on Wednesday. They not only encouraged me before I went in, but did a great and vital job of comforting and just standing in the gap with my wife and parents as Shelley and I were in surgery. We are so blessed to have so many that care about us. Several nurses walked by the crowd in the waiting room and wondered if we were all together...and Im surprised they weren't asked to quiet down, because it sounded like things were kept pretty loose, which I loved. We had a prayer time all together before Shelley went in, and it was a special, special time to just get centered and remember that the day of surgery was in God's hands, as was our entire journey. Special thanks to Pastor Jason and my great friend and former pastor, Denny Owens for their prayers over all of us then. To all of you that spent that day with us in the waiting room, you'll never know what that meant to all of us. Thanks.

Yesterday, it seemed like the stream of visitors and calls never stopped. Some were expected and very much appreciated...but a few really surprised me. Its one thing to drive 15-20 minutes to see someone in the hospital, but many drove from an hour to 3 hours to be here to support us, and it really meant alot to us. To see their love, support, and prayers still continues to blow me away. God has so blessed us with a excellent group of friends and family who I know we could count on and ask for anything. It really makes me feel safe and secure, and makes the road to recovery much easier.

I was also very moved by all those praying for us. Not just from my home church of NMC, but from many other churches from all over the state and the country. One of my tellers at the bank had even had Shelley and I on her church's prayer list for the last six months! Shelley and I have truly felt the prayer support, and it's making a huge difference even now. Never, ever underestimate the power of prayer.

I'm also thankful for those who have taken care of our children while we've been away. After a family discussion, we all decided it would be best for the kids to stay at home instead of spending all this time down here in the hospital. Carrying the load in our place have been my parents, my wife's parents, and a dear family friend, Chelsea Lengacher. We've talked to them about everyday, and each time they tell us how much fun they are having. That warms our hearts and makes us feel so good that our kids are being loved on and taken care of so well by all of you. Leaving them was a big fear of ours, but it's been unfounded, and the ability to have that time together down here without the added responsibility of caring for them has been God-sent. Thank you so much.

My wife has been a rock through this. I know these last few days have been hard on me physically, but much harder on her emotionally. As my primary caregiver through my sickness, she's carried a heavy load, and I did alot of things to add to that load that she didn't need to carry, but she did anyway. The last months have been a time of great restoration in our marriage, and coming into this surgery, I feel that we are as close to God and as close to each other as we have ever been in our almost 15 years of marriage. I have no words to tell you how safe and comfortable it makes me to see her right beside me through all of this, especially knowing all that I've put her through. I don't deserve her, but so proud and thankful God decided that He would give her to me anyway. She is my partner and my better half, and I couldn't do this without her. Thank you.

And what do I say about Shelley, my donor? I was so thankful to finally get the chance to talk with her when Curt brought her down to my room last night. She is feeling much better than she was, but I know it's still a hard road for her. I know she's hurting, but to hear her say how happy she was she did it, and that even knowing how she feels physically, that she would do it again just really did my heart good. Though this whole process scared her to death at times, she has felt called by God all along to do it, and that gave her the strength to complete the task she was called to do. She's been an encouragement to me just by her positive attitude and strength, and her kidney that now resides in me is improving my health by leaps and bounds almost hourly. As I said yesterday, I forgot what it feel like to feel "good" physically. As it comes back to me, I realized how much I missed it, and how much I needed it. I can play with my kids again. We can go on vacations. I get back 16 to 20 hours every week that used to be spent at dialysis or traveling to and from the clinic. In a nutshell, the selfless gift she gave me gave me my life back....and I'll never be able to thank her enough for that. She's amazing....and watching Curt watch over and care for her through this has blessed me as well. I've thought alot of Curt for many years since we were in church leadership together, but seeing him more personally as a dad and husband this week was pretty special, and gives me peace that my donor is going to be well taken care of.

I'm also thankful to God and His hand in all of this, even when I couldn't see it, or when I refused to give Him the credit. Like I shared yesterday, after looking back on it, His timing was absolutely perfect, and He was faithful to carry us through all the evaluations, tests, anxiousness with health, and the actual donation. If God hadn't made our bodies so wonderfully, Shelley wouldn't have had the kidney to give me, but God gave us two when we really only need one, allowing her to be an incredible example of Christ's life-giving gift to us on the cross. God has really used both of us to share His unconditional love through this, and I'm confident He will continue to use us and this story for His glory and to further His kingdom, and we will gladly be a part of it. I can't imagine walking through any of this without a relationship with God....and willing to be whatever I can to whomever I can to show them that same blessing.

In going through a health crisis like I have, it really makes you reexamine your life, priorities and just what's really important. As I look back on mine, I've made plenty of mistakes...but God has so blessed me with such an amazing "cloud of witnesses" that He's used to change me for the better, and for His glory. I'm just overwhelmed with thankfulness that He's saw fit to bless me in this fashion, and I will never take any of it for granted again. I love you all...and hope I get the chance to return the blessing of help and support to you when you need it.

Thanks.

A New Day...

2011-04-07T03:48:00.003-04:00

(....trying this from my phone...)

I'm lying here in my room in the transplant ICU, and I couldn't be happier. The surgery went perfectly, even got done early. The surgeon proclaimed Shelley's kidney as "beautiful", and it started working immediately once they put i5 in me. Its been working great ever since, and I'm already seeing many of the benefits. My blood pressure has returned back to its normal range, and my levels of the dangerous toxins I used to carry are dropping hourly.

The really amazing thing is how much better I feel. After 2 years of being sick, it becomes your new reality. The headaches, aches and pains, anemia, and other stuff just kind of piles on over time and after all those dialysis treatments and you just don't notice how bad you feel....until you feel better.

I can feel the energy coming back already...so much, in fact, I haven't slept all night! I just feel too good to sleep! (Weird, I know...) The incision site is sore, but not painful like I expected it to be. They already had m sitting in a chair last night, and today ill be walking around. The staff here has been amazing and the care is first rate. I'm doing just fine...but keep praying for Shelley...she was in a lot of pain last night...I hope she had some restful sleep and feels better this morning.

As this new day arrives, I'm amazed by Gods hand in all of this again. Shelley told me as soon as she got on the list that it would be her...but I missed that sign and promise from God. From then, He decided to wait on me to get my life straigtened out and to retun to Him before this happened. I can't imagine it being any other way now that I've seen it all play out. As impatient as I was to get well, the two years it took has taught me more lessons than I can count...and ones I probably wouldn't have been open to learning without this journey.

I've learned to be a man a character instead of someone obsessed with people perception of me.

I've learned that everything, including my health, is in God's hands, and they are far better than my plans.

I've rebuilt my relationship with my wife from the ground up, and love her twice as much now.

I've seen many come alongside of me to walk through this valley, and gotten over my pride and let them do it.

God knew just what He was doing...and exactly what time it needed to happen in. (He's pretty awesome.)

Thanks to all of you that prayed over us yesterday. I know I felt them, as did Kris. Its humbling to have so many lifting us up...and words can't express my gratitude for that. Special thanks to those that made the trip yesterday to sit with our families....you really made a difference during the long wait while we were in surgery.

And to Shelley and her family: Thank you so, so much. You have given me my life back...and I promise to make my very best of it. Ill take great care of Lil' Shelley, too.

The sun will be up in a few hours...but my new day is already here.

*big smile*

It's Time...

2011-04-06T05:55:00.001-04:00

It's time.

The day is finally here.

Today at 7 a.m. I checked in to IU Med Center for my kidney transplant. Maybe even as you read this I'm already in the operating room beginning the process to recieve the gift of life from a friend. Maybe I'm waiting in recovery afterwards...or maybe I'm even finished and resting comfortably in my room. (Check my Twitter feed in the upper right if you're really curious...) Regardless, today is the day.

So, if you're reading this today, I'd like to ask you a favor:

Take a little time to pray for all of us.

That's it.

Just take a few minutes and lift us up to the One who holds us in His almighty arms. Here's a few ways to specifically do that:

For Shelley and I: Pray for protection and health as we go through the surgery. Pray for wisdom and steady hands of the surgical team. Pray for a calm and peaceful spirit as we prep for the day.

For Curt and Kris: This day will be harder on them than anyone else. Pray for God's patience, grace, and strength to surround them as they wait for word from the operating room. Pray a hedge of protective angels over them and our children to shield them from any attacks and that they would be the salt and light to those around them on this day.

Above all, pray that God's will is done today, and that all of us can be "Jesus with skin on" to those we come in contact with today and in the coming days as we recover.

Well, that's it for this post. More to come after this is all done. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers...means alot to me.

OK....let's do this.

I'm ready.

It's time.

Last Day...

2011-04-05T05:18:00.002-04:00

I remember the first day...

I had been feeling progressively worse for about a month. I thought I was just fighting a bad cold....or having just turned 39, maybe I was just getting old. I could chalk it up to that for a while...but then things got really rough. I was getting headaches every morning, so bad they would make me stop to throw up on the way to work 5 days in a row. I was having trouble breathing, and just climbing the stairs at our home would leave me short of breath. The night before the first day I remember laying in bed not able to even take a full, restful breath, and thinking that I'm having a heart attack. I was scared to death.

That first day I finally went to the doctor. After a few quick tests and reading the results of a blood test I took in January, he pronounced me to be in end stage renal failure. This meant my kidneys were functioning at less than 20% of what they were capable of. Those headaches? Kidneys hold a vital role in controlling blood pressure...and since mine weren't working, I had a reading of 220/120, borderline stroke levels. He didn't want me to leave the office. That shortness of breath? I was retaining nearly 40 pounds of excess water in my body, another thing good kidneys take care of. A visit the next day to a nephrologist confirmed his findings and I found was already at stage 5 of a 5 stage process in ESRD, and needed dialysis treatments immediately. Just a day later, I've got a permanent catheter placed in my neck leading to my heart and I'm attached to a machine that will clean my blood and allow me to stay alive.

That first day was a game changer, my friends. Approaching 40, I was feeling a little bit more mortal than before...but the realization that I was sick and couldn't do anything about it really shook me to the core. It's hard to face your own mortality at any time...but getting smacked with it like that really messed me up. You go through it all: blaming God, pleading with God, bargaining with God, self-pity, anger, frustration, depression...I think I touched them all over these past two years. For a while I put on a pretty good show about how well I was handling all of this, but inside I was a wreck. It took a very long time to truly make my peace with where I was at...and God and my wife and family patiently waited for me to finally get there. That first day was a day I'll never forget...but not really one I want to remember.

Now for the last day.

Yesterday I had what will hopefully be my last dialysis treatment. I did it down here in Indy in a clinic I've never been to before. I had more than a few comment on how happy I seemed to be...and I guess I couldn't stop smiling. Knowing that if all goes well I can leave these 12 hours of treatments every week behind feels like being released from heavy chains. I know it may seem silly...but I haven't had a free Saturday in almost 2 years because of my treatment schedule. I haven't been able to get in lakes, oceans, or pools to play with my kids because of my cath. I've fought and felt the crush of anemia, one of the big side effects of kidney failure, on a daily basis. This will hopefully be the last day I'll feel any of that.

This is the last day before my transplant. The last day before someone literally gives of herself to help make me whole again. The last day to worry about a restrictive diet. The last day. That alone is making me smile as I type it...

Now, I didn't mean this post to sound like I was complaining about all of this. I just wanted to give you a little look into what it's been like. I keep most of this to myself because, frankly, it's kinda depressing...but I share it so you can share in the joy of my last day. It reminds of the the day between Good Friday and Easter. Christ has been crucified...but Sunday's coming. Things seems to be low and hopeless...but the hope for all time and all nations is just around the corner. People then didn't know...and therefore didn't rejoice in the last day. We know how the story ends, so we can take great heart in the sadness of that last day. I know how my story ends...so I can do the same in this post today.

Some of you reading this may have just been following my journey for a while...but I'm guessing most of you have been part of my life for a long time. Your thoughts, comments, prayers and support have meant the world to me, and I just wanted to bring you along with me on my last day.

Here's hoping if you're in the midst of a "first day" situation in your life...remember the last day is coming...maybe not in your time...but always in His time. God is good...all the time...and it's in His hands.

(I'll have a post tomorrow morning, then I'll be out for the day for the surgery. To keep up with updates of the day from my wife, follow my Twitter at @robsrandom or in the upper right of this blog. You will need to refresh or reload to update the feed. Thanks!)

Update From The Circle City....

2011-04-04T05:24:00.004-04:00

Well, it's early Monday morning here in Indianapolis. My wife is still sleeping...but I couldn't, so here I am updating here. We came down last night, had a great dinner date together at her favorite restaurant, and just unwound back at our room. (I should've gone to the NCAA Women's Final Four...the Irish pulled a huge upset over UConn!)

Today is a pretty busy day for me. I've got some testing to do at the hospital this morning, then my final dialysis treatment! (Hopefully...) As I watched the countdown timer rolling by as I logged into here today, it really doesn't seem real yet. Maybe when I get to the hospital and start doing things that indicate that this really is going to happen. A friend of mine, Rachel, told me that walking through something like this requires us to just have faith. Faith in God, the doctors, the procedures, and all the rest. My donor, Shelley, blogged about just that here.

Honestly? I think I do have some faith...but I'm still scared to death. Not for the surgery, but that something's going to go wrong and it doesn't work, or that something will happen to Shelley when she's in there. I'm going in hoping to be "fixed"....she's going in hoping not to come out broken. It's just alot to process. We had dinner as a family with her family last Sunday, and I spent about an hour talking to her on Friday. If she's not relaxed and ready to do this, then she's an amazing actress. Her peace gave me peace...and every time I feel those fears welling up in me again, I just try to remember that control of this situation is not mine, and take some time to pray and lay those fears and concerns at His feet.

I must say this: I'm overwhelmed at the outpouring of support for both Shelley and I and our families. From friends and family coming down here to support and visit us, to the many cards of encouragement (some from people I've never met), to the many churches that have us on their prayer lists, to the seemingly unending line of well-wishers I saw at church, work, and around town...it has just blown me away. Their honest and heartfelt words touched me, but none more so than the words "I'm praying for you."

Those 4 words mean alot to me. I know sometimes we say them, and then never give that prayer a second thought...but I didn't feel that way this time. I really feel the prayers of many being lifted on on the behalf of me and my family, and Shelley and her family...and it really helps. I feel the power of being prayed for personally by family and some friends before I left. Those moments really encouraged me, to actually hear others lifting us up...it's quite humbling to know how much people care about you...and I don't take that lightly. God has blessed me with some very special people in my life...and they are making this much easier than it could have been.

The last eight or nine months have been the hardest of my life, mostly by my own doing. It's been a long journey, but much good has come from the restoration and healing. I'm looking forward to ending this chapter of my life, and having a new beginning Wednesday afternoon, thanks to the generous gift of a friend.

So, for those of you praying for us....thank you so much.

(For those of you who wish to follow my walk through the day of surgery, my wife will be updating my twitter feed...you can see it in the top right of this page...just refresh occasionally or reload it to update it, or you can find me on twitter directly at @robsrandom.)

I'll be back again tomorrow, and I'll have a post ready to go up Wednesday morning before I go in...from there, the next will be after I'm not looped anymore from the pain meds. (If you think this stuff is random now...imagine what it would be like on that.)

Here's hoping you remember someone, somewhere is praying for you today.

Homestretch...

2011-03-31T08:01:00.002-04:00

I need to apologize for the lack of posts these last few weeks...it's really getting down to the wire, and I've got lots to do before I leave to go to Indy for my transplant. I promise I'll blog more about all of this as it gets closer...but don't expect much from me her until at least Sunday night or Monday.

That is all.

Bracketology Challenge: We Stink So Bad, We Have A Winner...

2011-03-28T09:07:00.002-04:00

In the 5 years of this Challenge, I've never seen this before: All the brackets are so busted, that only one of us has a single team in the Final Four, and the final standings are all locked in already. VCU and Butler busted alot of brackets, and out of the 5.9 million brackets submitted on ESPN.com, only 2 (yes, I said TWO) people had entered the four teams that will be playing for the title, so don't feel too bad. Without further ado, here's the final standings:

The Champ: Jayme Adelsperger, loyal Butler alum and so happy to see her 'Dogs back in the Final Four again. Jayme had 38 correct picks for a final score of 190. Nicely done, Jayme...hope to see you back next year to defend your title!

2nd place goes to Gary Slabaugh with 37 correct and 188 points, while 3rd place fell to last week's leader, Nicole Owens with 36 and 182. Dennis Owens and Joe Bennett took 4th and 5th respectively.

The one with one team left in it? Me.
The one in last place with no hope of advancing out of it? Me.

*sigh* maybe next year...

To all those that played...thanks so much for joining in on the fun...and I'm rooting for the winner of Butler/VCU!

It's Not Yours...

2011-03-23T08:18:00.004-04:00

Then God said,

"You've been going around in circles in these hills long enough; go north. Command the people, You're about to cut through the land belonging to your relatives, the People of Esau who settled in Seir. They are terrified of you, but restrain yourselves. Don't try and start a fight. I am not giving you so much as a square inch of their land. I've already given all the hill country of Seir to Esau-he owns it all."

Deuteronomy 2:2-5, MSG)

This passage is just what I needed today.

At this point, Moses and the people of Israel had been wandering for years and years. They were getting close to the Promised Land...but not quite there yet. I'm sure the people were getting restless, and tempers were high and patience was low. Some probably looked around and thought "This looks pretty good here. Let's clear out the current residents and stay in this place. I know it's not the place God wanted for us...but it'll be good enough for me."

God knew the hearts of the Israelites, and he instructed Moses not once, but three different times in this chapter to not pick a fight with the people in the land they were crossing through. He told Moses that this was not their land, but land He had given to other people. God knew that the people were tired, worn out, depressed, frustrated, and overwhelmed...but He knew that He had it under control and that He had something better for them in the end.

Over and over again in this passage I heard God saying to the Israelites this phrase:

"It's not yours."

This resonates with me because just a few weeks ago Walt Wiley from "Winning With Encouragement" spent a few days with NMC, my home church. He did a series of talks on stewardship...not just of finances, but of our whole lives. The point he kept coming back to was this: "It's not yours...it's His." God knows this is something we all struggle with...and He's been teaching us about it for thousands of years.

You see, heading into my transplant two weeks from today, it's easy to get overwhelmed with all I need to do before it happens, and trying to prepare others for the time when I'll be gone and off in my recovery. Sometimes I look ahead and see all that needs to be done, and I'm tempted to just lash out at someone in frustration, or to just give up and assume it'll all be in shambles.

Full disclosure: I think I'm the only one who can do something right. It's a pride issue, and I'm working on it...but when I have a project or something that needs done, I won't ask for help, because I think no one can do it as well as me. In this time that I've been sick, it's been a real struggle to allow others to come alongside of me and help me with tasks I just can't do anymore physically. I'll help anyone who needs it...but allowing myself to be helped? It makes me feel weak and worthless. I've found out more recently that those feeling are an attack from the enemy to isolate me not only from the all-powerful God who can do anything, but from others He's placed in my life to help me through those times and to teach me lessons from Him.

Over and over, God seems to be finding ways to tell me this:

"It's not yours, Rob....it's Mine. You can keep pounding your head against the wall, or fighting when I've asked you to just walk on by...and I'll still love you no matter what....but it's not yours...and though you can't see it right now, I have it under control and things are going to be just fine in My hands."

Now, this doesn't absolve me from doing anything and just saying "God will do it all...I'll just sit back and watch." But what it does do is this: It tells me that I don't have to worry about it. I'll do what I can in the time that I can...and I'll leave the rest in His hands and the hands of those who will do a fine job with it. This world doesn't need me to keep spinning...and I need to remember that.

My friend Monte sent me an email today with a little snippet from Dr. David Jeremiah that I thought went well with this:

There are plenty of good reasons to be anxious, depressed, and sleepless in today's world. But Christians have promises from God that should alleviate all three symptoms--promises that God rules over all the earth and knows the beginning from the end of history. Our task is to do what the psalmist David did: He didn't worry about "great matters" or things "too profound" for him. Instead, he "calmed and quieted" his soul like a "weaned child" at rest in its mother's lap--peaceful and quiet (Psalm 131:1-2).

God's job is to guide the world. Your job is to "be anxious for nothing" (Philippians 4:6), to rest in the Father's promises.

Again, I hear from Him this phrase:

"It's not yours."

It's not mine...and I'm glad it's in better, bigger, and stronger hands.

Here's hoping I can remember in the midst of all the chaos that it's not mine today.

Bracketology Challenge Results: Ladies Rule!

2011-03-21T09:19:00.003-04:00

Well, the first weekend is in the books...and my bracket is busted. Not only that, but my beloved Irish fell to the Seminoles last night, leading to the jersey-poppin' you see above. Not only that, the top two in the challenge after the first week are.....(pause for dramatic effect) GIRLS!

Yep, leading the way is Nicole Owens with 173 points and 34 correct picks. She still has 3 of her 4 Final Four teams, losing only Pittsburgh in the first weekend. Nice job, Nic...and soooooooo glad you are ahead of that chirpy husband of yours.

In 2nd place is Jayme Adelsperger, a friend from around Indy, and a Butler fan and alum who did pick the 'Dogs to upset Pitt. She's got 170 points and has 34 correct as well...but sadly, her Hoosier roots ran too deep, as she had picked Purdue to reach the finals. That one's gonna hurt ya, Jayme.

Tied for third are Denny Owens and Steve Birk with 168 points. Steve has 33 correct, while Denny has 32. Denny's prospects look better long term with 3 of his Final Four still in, while Steve has only Duke still alive.

And bringing the hind end? As much as I'd like to say it's Todd Owens....it's me...and it's not even close. My Southeast bracket has no teams remaining, and I only got 6 of the sweet 16 correct. Oddly, I do have 3 of my Final Four still in play, so I may be able to make a move...time will tell.

I'm not even sure who I've got left to root for outside my bracket picks...probably gotta root for Butler to make it again...to all that picked, thanks for playing and looking forward to seeing what happens this weekend!

How To Help Those Who Are Hurting...

2011-03-18T09:50:00.004-04:00

I've been a fan of Anne Jackson for quite a while now. Her way of sharing her heart, her struggles, and her passions have touched and moved me deeply at times. Her book, "Permission To Speak Freely", was a revelation about what the church should be, and to not be so concerned about people's perception, but about people's hearts and lives, no matter how messy they are.

Anne wrote a post today entitled "Advice For Helping People Going Through A Divorce". Anne could write this honestly, as she has just gone through her own...but it's a great reminder to all of us how to best minister to people not just going through a divorce, but through emotional traumas of any sort, be it death of a loved one, martial issues, or just depression about circumstances. Having gone through a divorce of my own and other times of being completely overwhelmed by my life, I can echo her advice, and am challenged by it to step out of my comfort zone and to be there, truly be there, for someone who needs it. Whether or not you know someone who's in need now, you need to read and remember Anne's post. Click here to read it.

Refuge...

2011-03-18T08:18:00.004-04:00

Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.

Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

(Psalms 62:1-2, 7-8, NIV)

Love, love, LOVE this Psalm....

I don't know for sure...but I'm guessing when David wrote this, things weren't going so well. This isn't the type of prayer or letter you write when everything is perfect and you have no problems or worries. If you read between the lines, I'd imagine that this Psalm was written from the depths of despair...that all seemed to be against David...and that he didn't see any way out on his own.

Why do I think that? Because of the words he used over and over again in this chapter. He starts with the words "finding rest". When I read that, I think of the times when my children were little and just worn out and overtired. They became cranky, and nothing seemed to make them happy. I found that if I just picked them up and held them tightly to me, they would finally relax and go to sleep. Sometimes, they came willingly...and sometimes they kicked and screamed...but eventually, they ended up resting peacefully, which was just what they needed, even though they didn't know it. I think God does that to me sometimes. I think He knows when I'm overwhelmed with things, and gives me opportunities just to be still, rest, and unpack my thoughts and emotions. In this busy, crazy world, I think we underestimate the need for solace...but we all need it desperately.

Then David talks about God being a "rock" and a "fortress". I love the pictures that conjures in my mind. I love the strength and stability it projects. When my life is going great, its easy for me to assume that all is well because of what I'm doing...but when it all falls apart, like a child, I come running back to my Father to save me. I know, down deep, He's been there all along...and I just was too proud to admit that I needed Him until I was in trouble. We all want to feel protected and defended. God, our rock and our fortress, has always been on that job...and that gives me a sense of peace and comfort.

Finally, he uses my favorite word: "refuge". Webster's defines refuge as this:

1: shelter or protection from danger or distress
2: a place that provides shelter or protection

This goes along with defender and protector that I talked about earlier...but at a whole new level. Look at this word origin that I found:

A refuge is etymologically a place one ‘flees’ to in order to get away from danger. The word comes via Old French refuge from Latin refugium, a derivative of refugere. This was a compound verb formed from the prefix re- ‘away’ and fugere ‘flee’ (source of English fugitive (14th c.) and fugue (16th c.)).

A refugee is one who is fleeing away from a dangerous situation. It's typically something or someone out to do them harm, and they are no longer safe where they are at. They must leave the comforts of their homes and escape to somewhere where they will be welcomed, protected, and able to just live freely again. That place of rest and relief is called a refuge.

In the midst of some very taxing days lately, both emotionally and physically, I've held tightly to this chapter and these words. Months ago, my wife wrote them out and hung them on my office wall by this computer. Little does she know, that it's been a daily encouragement to me, especially in these hard times. No matter what goes on in my life, I know that I have God in my corner.

He will never leave me or forsake me.

He is where I find rest.

He is my rock and fortress.

He is my refuge, my safe place in the midst of the storms of life.

Encouraged...

2011-03-15T08:42:00.003-04:00

Some people have wondered why I'm not more excited about my transplant when they hear about about. The honest truth is this: I'm very excited...but also scared to death something it going to happen that will mess it up or allow it not to happen. I think I get it honestly...but it shows a real lack of faith on my part. Over the last week or so, as I look back, I see many signs of encouragement evem with my faithlessness...

Last Friday I had lunch with a great friend, and met Saturday morning with another one...both took the time to tell me just how fortunate I am, and to help dissuade my fears and encourage me to trust in Him. Yesterday, I received a note from Rachel with some great tips on life down at the hospital I'm going to be at. Rachel is the mom of Maggie, a beautiful little gal that's fought cancer that we've prayed lots for on this blog. In addition to the tips, Rachel gave me the link to a post she had written about faith in the midst of health trials. It was just want I needed to hear...and you can be encouraged and read it as well. Click here...it's some amazing perspective.

Even this morning, I clicked over to the blog of my donor and was encouraged by the story a young boy and my son praying weekly for her and I. I know he's only 11...but so proud of his tender heart and his desire to live in God's will.

It's easy to get discouraged and defeated by all the "stuff" that surrounds us...but God is still God, and He keeps encouraging me to keep the faith and remember that He's in control. He always has been...sometimes, I just get too busy and wrapped up in myself to see His hand. I'm thankful God knows I'm so thick-headed...and that He provides people like I've shared about to be His hands and feet to this doubting Thomas.

So, stepping out as I've been encouraged and in faith, I've added a countdown clock to this blog. Part of me felt like I would be "jinxing" myself...but I'm tired of always planning for the worst while hoping for the best. I'm going to plan for the best...and God will still be God even if something happens. I want to encourage others through this journey. When you see it, I hope you're encouraged to pray for Shelley and I, and I hope I'm encouraged to remember that it's in God's hands, and He's taken great care of me so far.

Here's hoping we not only look hard to see where we've been encouraged today, but that we step out in faith and provide that encouragement for someone else who desperately needs it.

5th Annual Bracketology Challenge...

2011-03-14T08:45:00.003-04:00

(here's a tip for you: ND to the final four.....shhhhhhh....don't tell.)

Yes, it's that time again, and again I will lay down the gauntlet to anyone who reads this drivel to come and join us in the 5th annual Rob's Random Ramblings Bracketology Challenge! It's free, and there are no prizes, other than the chance to gloat over all that have entered. If you're interested in joining in on the fun, here's how you do it:

Click here to be taken to the league's home page where you can enter. (You will need a CBSSports.com account...which is free and only takes a minute...) The password for the group is "irish" (don't use the quotes) and from there you can make your picks. I will update her on this blog and Facebook after each round and you can see how well or poorly you are faring.

Hoping defending champ Scott Tuttle comes back to defend his title... and looking forward to pounding you all into the ground this year....it's gotta be my time, right........right?!?

To those of you that played last year, you should've gotten an email invite from the league, and to those of you that are new, welcome....now, let's get it on!

Go Read These......NOW.

2011-03-11T11:35:00.003-05:00

Just when I think my stuff is approaching a level slightly above drivel, I'm reminded of a few who truly have to gift to write. If you aren't already following these two, shame on you. Click the links below and read what they have to share with you. It'll move you, make you stop and think, and challenge you.

Maggie wrote another excellent post this morning titled "When You're Afraid To Be Real". Her honesty, humility, and transparency still blows me away. Maggie, you're amazing.

Nic has a wonderful blog with ton of followers in her own right...but today she wrote a guest post for a friend's blog on how she teaches her four little ones about God and His grace. Her thoughtful and thought-provoking answer is here.

Go read these....NOW.

I'm serious.

Go.

(*tapping my foot waiting impatiently*)

Maggie and Nic, thanks for sharing your lives and what God's teaching you with me. Iron sharpens iron...and you both sharpen me.

The Wait Is Almost Over...

2011-03-11T08:34:00.005-05:00

So, here's the long promised update on my and my health situation...

When I last updated, we were on prospective donor #3. That person didn't end up passing all the tests need to donate, so we went on to #4....and #5....and #6. #6 was a friend that had been telling ever since she signed up on the list, before anyone started through the process, that God was telling her she would be the one. I nodded and smiled at her when she said that, then rolled my eyes as she walked away. Sure, God told her it would be her...and after I found out that she was five people down the list, I was sure she just had some bad pizza that night and had a crazy dream.

Lo and behold, she was right. She was my match, and this past Wednesday I got the call from IU Med Center that my transplant surgery is scheduled for April 6th. After a year and a half of waiting, ups and downs, and everything else, this part of my journey will come to an end. Though I'm still a little worried something bad may happen before that date that would scrub the surgery, God's giving me all kinds of signs He's in control here...most of all, what He told my donor. He told her that it would be her...and she told me. I didn't believe her or Him...and now, I'm sure God's up there going, "See...didn't I tell you? I've got this under control...trust Me!"

So, it's less than a month away...we've already been planning and starting to get things in line for our time away, and have been overwhelmed by those close to us offering to help in any way they can. We are excited, and so ready to end all the time away at dialysis. (11 more, but who's counting?)

I'm so thankful for all the people who have been willing to be tested for donation, and those that signed up that were never gotten to...your willingness to do so blows me away. I'm humbled by how many were willing...and thanks just isn't enough.

To my donor : Thanks for going through all of this...all the testing, waiting, exams, and other stuff. It's been quite a journey, and I don't take lightly what you're going to do. I know God told you it would be you...but it was still your choice to listen and obey. You are literally giving of yourself to give me a renewed life, a living example of Christ giving Himself to give us life. I, and my family, are grateful beyond words. Thank you.

I'll try to blog through the process as much as I can, and if she's willing, I'll let you follow her journey as well. We both covet your prayers as we count down to the big day. Pray for continued health for both of us as we prepare for this, and for us both to be the salt and light to those we come into contact with through this journey.

"A Low Grade Fever Of Sadness"...

2011-03-09T09:15:00.002-05:00

Tia Bennett is someone I've been following for quite a while. This past fall, my wife and Tia were connected by a mutual friend to spend an afternoon together talking about how to walk through a specific time in our lives. Tia had already made this journey, and was God-sent and important to my wife in her insight and encouragement. For that alone, I'm thankful to call her and Joe friends...but she also writes from the heart...and today, she reminded me not to be blind to all that surrounds me, but to look at it through the eyes of Christ. To read the post "A Low Grade Fever Of Sadness", click here. I hope it breaks your heart the way it broke mine.

Thanks, Tia...for everything.

Fanning The Flame...

2011-03-09T08:39:00.002-05:00

The last few days have been just what I needed.

This week brought an event called "Fanning The Flame" at our church, Nappanee Missionary Church. Since we've only been attending for around 9 months, this was our first experience with this time of spiritual renewal. They bring in special speakers and worship leaders from all over and have special times each night to hear them teach from God's Word. It's been a pretty special thing to see...

First of all, understand that I treasure my time at home. I don't like to have things planned every night. I like to spend time with my wife and my kids, just us. There's nothing wrong with that...and when I saw that this was a four night in a row commitment, I initially sighed and tried to think of reasons why we couldn't go. We would be busy at work...I have dialysis treatments...kids need to get to bed early...we need family time. All valid concerns, but none more important than spending time in His house learning more about Him, so we committed as a family to attend all of the services.

Let me say we are SO glad we did. Not only have my wife and I gotten so much knowledge and useful things from the teaching of Walt Wiley and the impactful worship leading of David Cummings, it's been a pleasure to see my kids just as excited about church. My son is with the preteens and Jon McCallon has made worship and prayer come alive to him in a whole new way, and is challenging and stretching his young mind. My little girl has the pleasure of spending that time with Rob Biagi, a gifted writer and performer of children's worship. She can't wait to tell us all about what she sang and learned in her classes after each session.

Here's what blew me away...on the way home after the Sunday night sessions, my kids were in the back of the van talking to each other...and all they could talk about is how excited they were to go back to church tomorrow...and wondered when the next time would be that our church would do this again. I don't know about you...but to hear my kids ask me when the next time is they can attend MORE church services is pretty cool.

We've been attending NMC for about 9 months now...and it's been a blessing straight from God. It's so refreshing to be in a church so on fire for God, and to walk out of services on Sunday feeling recharged, renewed, and ready to face the week ahead. It's much bigger than our old church...but so many have done such a great job of making us feel at home and loved. Several pastors on staff have reached out to us personally and counseled us through some really hard times in our life. God led us to NMC just when we needed it the most, before we even knew we would need it. I'm so thankful to be a part of this body...and proud to share it with anyone I know. Thanks, NMC, for truly being the church, not just a gathering.

So, to echo my first line...this has been just what I needed, and I'm a little sad it ends tonight...but so thankful to be a part of it.

A Tease....and 10 Random Things...

2011-03-07T16:26:00.002-05:00

Hopefully, coming this week...an update on my health and status of my journey to a kidney transplant. Just a few things to get in line, and then I should hopefully have plenty to share. I looked back and saw that I hadn't updated my journey since May of last year...and that was about donor #3. I'm on Donor #6 now. (Miss a day, miss a lot...) I'm hoping to have the answers I need by the middle of this week, so if you're curious, stay tuned...

On to the randomness:

1. I'm finding NASCAR less and less intriguing. Not sure if I've just overloaded on it in past years, but watching hundreds of left turns has ceased to amaze me anymore. I was flipping between that and the Bulls-Heat game...and the NBA won. If you know me at all...that's not a good sign for NASCAR. (BTW, did you see D-Rose smoke both Wade and LeBron on a fast break?! It was suh-weet.)

2. I think ND could win it all this year. Now, most years, that's the homer in me saying this...but I think they are peaking at the right time. They've gotten big wins both at home and on the road, and with starting 5 seniors, they've got a group with not only experience, but the drive and desire to do whatever it takes to win. The have 5 starters that can hit from anywhere, and Ben Hansborough is making a case for Player of the Year. I went to the Villanova game on Monday, and they hit 20 threes!! I don't think they'll be worse than a 2 seed, and if the win the Big East tourney, they have a great shot at a #1. So when you fill out those brackets, don't forget the Irish!

3. I miss pototoes. They are one of the things I can't have with my kidney failure. If and when I get a transplant, potatoes are high on my list of first-meal foods. Yep, I'm easy to please.

4. My wife's pretty cool. We've been married 14 years, and I love her more today than I did then. Love spending time with her...

5. My daughter is frighteningly like me. Last week, we were doing devotions and she jumped up off her bed and ran to her bookcase, right by a little nativity scene. I asked her what she was doing...and she said she had to toot. Impressed that she thought enough to go away from me to do it, I was about to compliment her...when she made a face and said "Whew...that smells so bad I think it melted Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus!" Yep, that's my girl.....sigh.

6. Can't believe 2 of my favorite series, "Greek" and "Friday Night Lights" are having series finales this spring, while tons of drivel and less worthy shows are renewed. Not sure if I want to live in a world where FNL gets cancelled, and Charlie Sheen is still working...

7. My fantasy baseball draft is sometime this month...and I haven't even begun to prep for it. That's not a good sign...

8. I've been hooked lately on any kind of match-3 game I can download for free on my IPad....I mean borderline addicted. Upside: dialysis treatmetns have never gone by so quickly.

9. It's been a long time in this most recent valley of life I've been walking through. I've learned alot about myself, my relationships, and God...but I'm not gonna lie...I'm ready to see the sun again.

10. My favorite candies right now are Tiny SweetTarts, Sugar Babies, and Reese's Pieces. How's that for random?!

Finally, realized that if you read this whole post, that's about 2-5 minutes of your life you will never get back....sorry!

Fight Night....

2011-03-04T08:27:00.003-05:00

A much beloved tradition started about 25 years ago this weekend...

Mark, one of my best friends in high school, invited me to go along with him to an event at Notre Dame called "Bengal Bouts". I'd never heard of it...but was always game for a night out as a teenager, so I went. We drove up to the Stefan Center, a small dome-shaped arena, to find rickety bleachers set up surrounding a boxing ring. I came to find out from Mark's brother, who was attending ND at the time, that the college had a boxing club, and this was the finals of a tournament that they have trained all year for. I also found out that the event got its name because all the proceeds went to fund schools, churches, and health care facilities in Bangladesh. That was a cool deal in itself...but once that bell rang, I was hooked. Though only three rounds long, the fights were exciting and fast-paced, and the crowd of students gave it a title-fight-like atmosphere. I had a ball, and couldn't wait for the next year to come. Over the years, I think I've only missed 2 or 3 finals...and even got to meet and shake Muhammed Ali's hand at one of them.

Over the years, as the popularity grew, the moved from the Center to the main floor of the Joyce ACC, now known as Purcell Pavillion. Some years, it's just me and a friend or two...and some years we've had a group of almost 40 there. We make it fun by printing out a fight card and making picks to win a T-shirt. It's just a fun night of just being guys, watching other guys punch each other, and cheering and laughing. (No, I don't expect you gals to understand...) I brought my son last year, and he had a ball. It's nice to share my love and tradition with him, and make a tradition we can do together.

The finals are tonight...and I can't wait to hear that bell.

Don't underestimate the value and power of traditions you can share with friends and family. Some of my greatest memories as a child were special times and events with my family and friends. Here's hoping you've got something to look forward to this weekend as well.

His Time...Not Mine...

2011-03-02T08:50:00.005-05:00

Get up, God! Are you going to sleep all day?
Wake up! Don’t you care what happens to us?

Why do you bury your face in the pillow?
Why pretend things are just fine with us?

And here we are—flat on our faces in the dirt,
held down with a boot on our necks.

Get up and come to our rescue.
If you love us so much, Help us!

(Psalms 44:23-26, MSG)

Not quite what you expected from Psalms?
Not quite what I expected either...but it's messing with me.

This isn't a psalmist playing a harp extolling the magnificent attributes of God's love and provision....this is a guy in the thick of the worst time of his life, feeling like he's all alone, and the walls are closing in on him. The enemy is pounding at the door, and in a matter of moments, he will be overcome.

Ever been there? I have...and it stinks. It's depressing. It's draining. It's hard to keep smiling. With my health and all the other stuff that's gone on over these past few years, there's been more than once where I've cried out similar prayers as were written here. Mine were more like this:

Where are you, God?

Why are you putting me through this?

If you say you won't give me more than I can handle, you better stop, because my cup's overflowing...and I don't want a bigger one.

I know you can step in and fix all this...so why don't you do it?

I want to trust and have faith in you...but sometimes, you're really hard to see.

I don't understand at all the path you're leading me down...and I want to take back control of things because I'm scared of where you're going.

And in those worst of times, even this:

If you really, truly loved me, God...you wouldn't let this happen to me.

As I was reading this, I thought of my love for film. I'm a sucker for a great action flick. Typically, at some point, someone is in deep peril, and you are sure there's no way out of the mess they're in, and all of the sudden the hero kicks down the door and saves the day. No matter how far fetched the scenario seems to be, you always know that good will win over evil every time.

It's really the same with God. He's actually already won...all we have to do is claim His victory. When I have thoughts blaming God for the situation I'm in, I now look back at it and see most of it was made of my own bad choices and decisions...and the rest by bad choices and decisions of others. God's never left my side...I've left His...and I've paid the price for it.

Even when I feel like the psalmist, that the end is near and I can't take anymore, it's comforting to know and remember that it's in His hands, and His way is always better than mine, no matter what it looks like at the time. As I read through the Bible again this year, I'm reminded time after time of so many people who didn't see His hand and His plan, but followed Him anyway. From the stories of the Old Testament, to the Gospels of the New, it seems every day I'm reminded that God, like my movie heroes, always shows up at just the right time to save the day.

What I need to remember is that the right time for Him may be hours, days, weeks, months, or even years for me. I need to be patient, and I need to continue to follow His lead no matter what. Somedays, that's not too hard...and somedays, it's overwhelming. I need to remember that Moses wouldn't have been Moses without his fall from grace....that David wouldn't have been David without Saul...that Jacob wouldn't have been Jacob without Esau...and Peter wouldn't have been Peter without the denial. We are who we are...and the most important lessons of character that I've learned in life have been through adversity.

Perspective is a very important thing. No matter what we are going through, somebody's probably been through worse, and has come out the other side a better person for it. As I've been rebuilding myself over the last months, I've often wondered if God will have any use for me again. He reminds me time and time again that to be a man He, my wife, and my children can be proud of is enough, and a very worthy cause and goal indeed. As long as I find my worth in Him, He will take care of the rest.

You know what? Letting go of all that worry, stress, fear, anxiety, anger, bitterness, and confusion and giving it all to Him is really hard to do...but really freeing when you do it. God is God, and I am not...and I shouldn't try to be.

So, here's hoping that when life has got you tied up in an abandoned warehouse with dynamite all around and you feel you only have a few moments left, remember our Hero will be there in time...and it'll be in His Time, not yours.

Actually, here's hoping I remember that today.

Don't Put It Off...

2011-02-25T07:59:00.002-05:00

And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.
You can do it; you’ve got what it takes—
but God, don’t put it off.

(Psalms 40:17, MSG)

You've gotta love David.

As I walk through the Bible this year, I've been touched more than ever before by the Psalms. It's probably the season of life I'm in...but the words of David and the others who helped write this book are pretty amazing. I used to think Psalms was basically a book of poems...but in reality, it's a book of letters to God, very personal and emotional conversations with the Creator. It's very freeing to me to see that someone we hold on as high a spiritual pedestal as David had days when he was overwhelmed...when he was broken....when he was angry at God's timing...when he felt unprotected...and when he was overcome by great joy. It's just a guy talking to his Father...and it's really been hitting home to my heart.

Take the verse above, for instance. I can identify with Dave. I know I'm a mess. I'm nothing on my own. I want God to make something He can use and be proud of out of me. I know He can do it...but, like David said, I'm pleading that He doesn't "put it off". I want things to happen...but I want them in my timing, which is normally right now.

That's really been the crux of what I've been learning from Him lately. That His time is not my time, and His plan isn't always the way I would do things...but in the end, if I'm obedient, it works out just perfectly. It's easy for me to lose trust in Him when I see situations that aren't where I'd like them to be...but I'm doing my best to leave those in His almighty hands, and to trust that His will may be done in His time. It's really hard for me, a born fixer...but God wants all of me, not just the parts I want to give Him. He wants the parts I hold so tightly to, like control, and He wants them the most. Not to make things harder on me...but to show that I really do trust Him, and my words aren't just hollow praise.

Is it easy? Just let me say I pray prayers similiar to the verse above ALL the time. I'm a work in progress...I'm not who I was, but I'm still far from who I want to be...but it's good to know I have a God that I can be honest with, and that He'll love me no matter what, like any good parent should.

Here's hoping I keep making time to talk honestly to Him each day.

Wrecked...

2011-02-20T16:34:00.003-05:00

Though I always enjoy the worship portion of the my church's Sunday morning services, I've got to admit, I often react in different ways. Sometimes, I just kind of robotically sing along, detached from the words, basically going through the motions. Other times, I do pay attention, get into the lyrics, and really spend that time praising God. Sometimes, though, God uses the music and the words to just stop me in my tracks, wreck me to get my attention, and to talk to me.

This morning, worship just wrecked me...and that's a good thing.

Jessica led worship for the first time in the sanctuary at NMC, and she knocked it out of the park. Not only did she do an amazing job of singing and playing her guitar, but the song list she chose spoke to me in a very real way this morning.

She started with "Blessed Be Your Name"...a song I wrote a whole post about here. I love these lyrics, and today they hit me hard:

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

The last six or seven months have been a whirlwind of emotions....heart-wrenching lows and breath-taking highs...but I wouldn't catergorize much of it as easy. It's been a hard and winding road...but God has seen me through it all. As I sang it, it was like God put his arm around my shoulder and just reminded me: "Rob, I know it hasn't been easy on you...but just remember, I'm still here with you through it all...keep trusting in and folowing Me and you'll be OK."

After that song, Jess transitioned into "You Are God Alone" by Phillips, Craig, and Dean. After sending me the message that He was with me, He knew I needed to hear that He was in control, no matter how out of control things seem to be at times...and that He is much bigger than anything I'm facing, and He told me this in these lyrics:

You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a God
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that's just the way it is

You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

Now, that's two songs with "good times and bad" themes to them. God knows it's much easier for me to praise Him in the time of blessings than to choose to praise Him in the midst of life's storms...and I need times like what I had today to remember all the times He's pulled me through things I knew I couldn't make it through on my own.

She ended the set with "Revelation Song" by Jennie Riddle, popularized by Kari Jobe and Gateway Worship. Here's part of this amazing song:

Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come,
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And – I - will - adore You!

As I sang that song, the emotion of the moment finally overcame me, and tears started to fill my eyes. He is a "marvelous mystery", and I don't claim to even come close to figuring Him out...but I realized, again, today that I don't need to. I'm not God...He is, and that's enough for me. I will chose to praise Him for what He's done for me...which is amazing in itself...and I will trust Him with my future.

So, I'm thankful that God used Jessica to wreck me today...and thankful that He loves me enough to keep pounding His truth through this thick skull of mine.

Here's hoping He wrecks you sometimes, too...

My Thoughts On "Idol"...

2011-02-18T10:03:00.003-05:00

As I look back down my blog...it's been pretty serious as of late. Time to lighten it up a little bit.

I've watched "American Idol" for most of its 10 seasons. Usually, I'm in deep for the first auditions, mostly to watch the trainwrecks. It just makes me giggle to think that some of the folks that sing so poorly think that they are really good...or they know how bad they are and just want to be on TV. I used to love the honest, and harsh, criticism of Simon Cowell, and knowing that he had departed from the show, I really didn't plan to watch this season. Also, the quality of the singing seems to have gone down the last few years. From Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood to Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox...that's a big dropoff, my friends. To top it all off, they added Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler to the judges' table...making me think that it would be just 3 Randy Jacksons now with nothing to say.

I have to admit...I was wrong. Steven and J-Lo didn't hesitate to critize when merited...they weren't mean like Simon for the most part...but honest, which was good. They were funnier and more quick-witted than I had thought...able to go from silly banter to business on the fly...and the show seems to flow really well.

What's really grabbed me this season are the stories of the contestants. "Idol" does a great job of pulling you into their lives and giving you people to root for. Chris Medina's story of standing by the girl he loves after a terrible accident has taken much of her mind. His determination to stay with and care for her moved me. James Durbin's struggle to overcome Asperger's and Tourette's syndromes and his drive to provide for his family touched me as well...but what really poked my heart was JC Badeaux.

JC is a pudgy little 15 year old kid with a great voice and an even greater attitude. He surprised the judges with his great audition, and made it through the first few cuts at Hollywood. Then "Group Day" came and he spent the day in with a group, working hard to play his part. Around 1 am, they decided to cut him loose, leaving him to find a new group or be eliminated. The kid took it as graciously as he could, saying and doing all the right things...but then they cut to him with his parents, and you could just see him trying to hold it together, afraid that if his pasted on smile cracked, that he would also. In that moment, I saw a part of myself in JC...as well as thinking of my tender-hearted son. It even made me tear up a little. (And before you start, Todd...shaddup.) JC did find another group, and made it through to the next round.

I don't know who will will this year...but I'm rooting for my boy JC, and I'll admit, after being wary of them, I like the changes, and I'm in for the season.

No deep thoughts to end the day today...have a great weekend!

Greatest Hits: Ode To A Friend...

2011-02-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I got to know Jeff Lengacher. I had known of him for years...his brothers were stars for my high school football team, one even dated the sister of my best friend growing up. I knew who he was from school, as he was just a year ahead of me, and we played football together...but I didn't really get to know Jeff until the fall after he graduated. His girlfriend, Lisa, was rooming with my girlfriend at the time at Taylor University, so we shared many a Sunday drive down to see them. On those trips, I got to know Jeff. The quiet, serious guy I thought I knew wasn't that at all. Jeff had a quick wit and the ability to make me laugh, and a softer side he really didn't want you to see. I had alot of fun on those trips...but I broke up with my girl, he married his, and life just took us apart for a while.

Years later, Jeff and Lisa ended up at the church I attended. Not ones to sit on the sidelines, they started a ministry for 5th and 6th graders that quickly grew from 5 to about 30 in a couple of years. Jeff asked me to consider joining them in this area. I didn't want to..but said I'd pray about it, planning to tell him "no" in a week. During that week, God laid it on my heart to join with him, and it was one of the most rewarding experiences of service in my life. Jeff had a dream to provide an after school program for latch-key kids...something he and Lisa were doing already in their home. After a year of planning, The Compass opened its doors to reach and love some lonely children in our area. It was a beautiful thing...and Jeff asked me to partner in this, too. Things were wonderful...but it was all about to change.

On Monday, October 6th, 2008, Jeff's wife, Lisa, unexpectedly went home to be with Jesus. It shattered not only Jeff and his two girls, but his family, his church, and his community. Her viewing had visitors numbering in the thousands, a testament to the legacy those two had already left. My wife and I took over The Compass for him while he grieved, and I found another ministry that squeezed my heart, again courtesy of Jeff. I served on the board alongside of him, and a few months later, while talking about some business items for there, we ended up eating lunch and just talking about her, life, God, and many other things. As we went to leave, I felt God telling me to ask Jeff if he'd like to meet once a month to talk some more. His answer? "How about once a week?" We laughed...but we started meeting once a week, building a whole new friendship and relationship, mostly with me listening and helping Jeff to work through this new phase of his life. Some weeks it was heavy...and some just a lot of laughing...but it was always one of the high points of my week. Jeff showed me alot during that time...how to grieve, how he loved so completely, and finally how to let go. His strength during all of this amazed me...and I was glad God let me be a part of it...but little did I know that God was just getting started.

On August 23rd, 2010, my life turned upside down. Not due to a death, but to my own choices and mistakes. I felt torn up, turned inside out, broken, and worthless. Many I thought would surround and support fell away for reasons I don't quite understand even today. It was a lonely, isolating time for me...but there were a few that really came through for me in this time. When I called to share with Jeff what I had done, he didn't criticize or walk away...instead, he turned the tables around. Instead of me helping him, Jeff helped me. At first, we just met like nothing happened...which I sorely needed in those first days just to retain some shred of normalcy. Then he asked me to join him in a Bible study instead of just eating and talking. That study, "Bondage Breakers" by Neil Anderson, changed my life. It broke through the walls of my heart, and helped me find the road back to God I'd lost long before. As we walked through this study, we were able to honestly share our struggles, our failures, our successes, and our progress. We shared prayer requests that no one else heard...and we knew the other would pray for them. He was in my corner, hating my sin but loving me, the sinner. He became a support to our whole family...and I don't know what I would've been like without that support.

We still meet every Saturday morning, study God's word, pray, and just share our lives. I thought for a long time God put me in Jeff's life for a reason...but over the last months, I realized God put Jeff in mine for such a time as this. God's timing, though not seen by me, was perfect. They say character, true character, only comes out when we are squeezed. I've seen Jeff squeezed harder by life than almost anyone I know...and I'm still amazed at his character, his love for God, and his drive to live in a way that honors Him. I'm proud to call him a friend...and I wanted to say thanks for being a great friend to me, even when I didn't deserve it. I'm proud of you. Your family is proud of you. Your girls are proud of you...and Lisa, I guarantee, is so proud of you as well.

Thanks for everything, Jeff...and I look forward to many more Saturday mornings with you.

(This is the latest installment of my "Greatest Hits"...just times or people that have impacted me for the better...if you want to read them all, click here.)

Deeply Moved...

2011-02-16T08:02:00.002-05:00

A leper came to him, begging on his knees, “If you want to, you can cleanse me.” Deeply moved, Jesus put out his hand, touched him, and said, “I want to. Be clean.”

(Mark 1:40-41, MSG)

We don't often give Jesus credit for being fully human in addition to being fully God....and when we do, it's often for emotions like anger at the vendors in the temple, or frustration with the thick-headedness of the Pharisees. But as I walk through the Gospels again this time, I'm particularly touched by the instances where Jesus is moved...whether by sadness, compassion, or just knowing what is ahead, and doing what He has been called to do anyway. I know I often forget that Jesus, like you and I, had moments of great joy, times of overwhelming sadness, and spent nights praying to God as His heart was breaking.

He didn't have to do that, you know.

He chose to come to earth not only to be the sacrifice for our sins and to redeem us and bring us back to relationship with Him, but so He could say this:

"I know how you feel. I know how much it hurts. I know that sometimes you don't think anyone cares, and it's incredibly lonely. I know the joy that fills your heart when something good happens. I know the gut-wrenching anticipation of waiting for an answer. I know what it feels like to be on top...and I know what it feels like to have everyone against you. I know how you feel...and I'm right here with you."

That's what I'm taking away from this walk through the Bible...that God chose to become flesh so that I would know that there's nothing I'm feeling that He hasn't felt, and that no matter how incredible the obstacles and odds seem, that He has been there, and come through it sinless and perfect.

I know I'm not perfect...but it's good to know He is, and that He loves me despite the failings of my past, and that He'll continue to walk with me the rest of my journey.

That deeply moves me.

Some Link Love...

2011-02-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

If you haven't ever checked on the links on the right side of my page, be sure to do so...if you can sit and read through this drivel, then you'll really appreciate some good writing, and here's a few not to miss:

Nic's so talented in just about everything, it makes me jealous. I love looking at the pictures she posts...she's got such a great eye. Yesterday, she posted an answer to the question, "What are you being brave about?" Her simple, yet profound answer can be found here.

Derry is so often inspiring to me, even when he doesn't mean to me. He's one of those guys who just makes you want to be a better man by just watching how he does things. Derry posted on the 2nd anniversary of the homegoing of his dad. Most impactful quote in the piece: "I rejoice that it hurt so much to lose a Dad, because he had done so little to hurt me while alive." Read the whole thing here.

Maggie is always straight from the heart. Her posts feel often like pages from my own heart's diary. I love her transparency, and feel that she has a gift that not only should be read by more people, but published, too. You need to click here to read her love letter to God entitled "This Life-A Love Song". She's amazing.

Dan's posts are all over the gamut, and I like that. A few days ago he posted on a game he's gotten hooked on lately. On that recommendation, I went and got it, and my family loves it! We are looking forward to sharing it with our friends tonight...so if you want to know what it is....click here.

Finally, some link love for my good friend and former pastor, Denny. He's had a great series going called "A Love Story". It's the story of him and his wife, how they came to be, have grown, and continue to live. It's a beautiful story of what love is and can be, with all its ups and downs. It's really worth a read...and I think it's up to at least 12 posts already! He also shared about a message he did recently on bondage which is something we all need to read. Click here to read about that...and here to find and read his love story.

There's so much good stuff out there...if I'm missing any diamonds in the rough that you follow...let me know. I'm always looking for more to read...have a great weekend!

God Is...

2011-02-11T08:24:00.005-05:00

Last week my church, NMC, started a new series called "God Is _____". Basically, it's a look at the person and character of God. My friend Derry led last week and will again this week, and there is a special daily devotional to walk through this series if you click here. I wasn't able to attend last week, so I watched Derry online yesterday, and I've been following along all week. One of the things I've been encouraged to do is to fill out my own list of "God Is..." statements as an affirmation of my faith. Some may be obvious...some more obscure...but all personal to me and my relationship with Him.

God is in control.

God is my redeemer.

God is compassionate.

God is with me.

God is a great teacher.

God is bigger than anything I face.

God is working all around me, even when I don't see His hand.

God is protecting me always, even when I feel exposed.

God is still pursuing me fiercely every day, despite my failings.

God is able to do more than I can imagine or comprehend.

God is amazing in His grace, love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

God is my Father.

God is my friend.

God is...and I am not.

Someday, I really struggle with remembering that last one. As Derry shared in his sermon last Sunday,(watch it here!) we tend to get in trouble when we forget this simple truth. There are not only many stories in the Bible of this....but I could share many, many examples of this in my own life. One thing my kidney failure and the events of the past six months have shown me is that I am not..and God is. My whole life to that point I was always telling God, "You can have control of everything...but I know you're busy...so I'll just take care of most of this for you." What I was really telling Him is that I didn't trust Him to do what I wanted...so I didn't let Him have all of me. It took losing control of nearly everything I had to get me to the point where I finally broke down and just said "Ok, God...I'm yours...I can't do it on my own. Come in and take over. You are, and I am not." That started a change that is still working in me today. Am I perfect and finished? Not even close...but I'm not who I was...and still progressing, with His help and in His hands.

So, how about you? What is on your "God is..." list today? It may not be like mine...you could feel He is distant, not listening, and just plain not present...but no matter what you are feeling, open up that dialogue with God today and just talk to Him. Like a father, He wants to not only hear our requests and thanksgiving, but our fears, hopes, dreams, and problems. Here's hoping I remember that He is, and I am not, today.

Sometimes, He Knows Just What To Say....

2011-02-09T07:53:00.002-05:00

In my Bible reading program on YouVersion today:

Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.
Expect God to get here soon.

(Psalms 31:24, MSG)

Sometimes, He knows just what to say.

Here's hoping you heard something from Him today, too.

It's Still Relevant...

2011-02-08T08:38:00.002-05:00

I've got to admit...before I started journeying through the whole Bible on YouVersion, I really thought the Old Testament was just that: old, and not relevant to me or anyone anymore. It just used to be what I considered "Bible stories" for Sunday School...kind of a history lesson, but not applicable to what I go through every day. Understand...the laws in Leviticus, and the specific plans to build the Tabernacle in Exodus that I'm reading right now are sometimes a struggle, but there is so much great stuff in this part of the Bible. Life lessons to be learned, struggles with faith, family, and friends, and much of the same things we go through every day...just with different people in a different time. I've really gotten into the Psalms this time through. Maybe it's the season of my life, but I really have come to find alot of strength and comfort in the writings of David and others. I love Psalms because it's just the raw feelings and emotions of the writer. In some, he's joyful and thankful, like the Psalms we all remember...but in others, he's mad, sad, discouraged, and frustrated...just like I am. Consider some of the words of Psalm 30:

God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.

God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.

When things were going great
I crowed, “I’ve got it made.
I’m God’s favorite.
He made me king of the mountain.”
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.

I’m about to burst with song;
I can’t keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can’t thank you enough.

(Psalms 30:2-3,7-8,11-12, MSG)

It's like David pulled this out of my diary, if I kept one. These psalms...these letters to God are just as relevant today as they were in his time. They can comfort me, lift me up, but mostly, make me feel less alone in my struggles knowing that God saw many, many people through much, much more than I'm facing today.

The Old Testament? Not so old to me anymore...yep, it's still relevant...and highly recommended. If you don't have a reading program, check out YouVersion and set one up today. If you've never read that part of the Bible, you're missing alot. Here's hoping we can all find relevance in the Word today.

"Look At Me..."

2011-01-28T07:01:00.002-05:00

And Moses answered, “Look at me. I stutter. Why would Pharaoh listen to me?”

God told Moses, “Look at me. I’ll make you as a god to Pharaoh and your brother Aaron will be your prophet."

(Exodus 6:30-7:1, MSG)

Love this exchange...and love how the same sentence can be said in such different ways...

Moses said "Look at me." All he could see were his faults and shortcomings. God had asked him to lead the Israelites out of captivity, but that wasn't enough. God promised to give him whatever he needed to do it...but that wasn't enough. Moses thought so little of himself and was so trapped by the guilt and shame of his previous sins that he didn't think God could use him at all. With that one pleading sentence, Moses begged God to take one more look at him and see the mess that he saw in himself.

God said "Look at me." He had forgiven Moses's past sins. He had restored him in those years away from Egypt. He had spent all that time since his trip down the Nile in a reed basket preparing him for this very moment. God saw far more in Moses than he saw in himself...and in that moment He needed Moses to hear just that. When my kids are sad or feeling bad about themselves, I try to reassure them. One of the things I do is force them to make eye contact with me when I tell them how much I love them and how special they are. I feel like God was doing just that to Moses...and telling him "Trust Me. Just follow Me and I'll lead you home."

To Moses, that seemed like an impossible task...but to God, it's just another day. I'm glad Youversion had this in my reading for today...because with all the craziness and uncertainty in my life today, I needed to hear Him say, "Rob, look at me..."

That's pretty cool.

God Understood...

2011-01-26T08:10:00.003-05:00

Many years later the king of Egypt died. The Israelites groaned under their slavery and cried out. Their cries for relief from their hard labor ascended to God:

God listened to their groanings.

God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.

God saw what was going on with Israel.

God understood.

(Exodus 2:23-25, MSG)

God understood.

So often I don't give Him credit for this. When I'm caught up in all my stuff, all the drama in my life, my health situation, and lots of other stuff, it's easy to think that God's just busy taking care of stuff in places that really need Him, like Africa and other places, and He just doesn't have time for me right now. In those moments, it's easy to feel really alone and abandoned.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. The Bible isn't just throwing around name tags when they call God "Abba", or Father. God loves us like a father, and His heart breaks like ours when we are hurting. He cries for us when we are broken....and He painfully waits for us when we lose our way and stray far from His loving arms.

In fact, God wanted us to know that He understood so much He sent His son here. Sure, He died on the cross for our sins...but He didn't need to live here for 33 years to do that. He did that so that we would know that He faced everything we did. He felt joy, sadness, anger, disappointment, loss, love, and happiness. He wanted us to know and remember that He knows exactly how we feel, and that He is right there and has a plan for us, even when we can't see it.

God understood.

God understands....and right now, that's enough for me. When you feel like He just doesn't get it, remember these wise words from the songs of Rich Mullins:

There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothin' to be afraid of
There's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, and hold on tight
He's been there before
And He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there...

Attitude of Gratitude List...

2011-01-25T07:47:00.003-05:00

I know my posts lately have been on the heavy side....full of confession, angst, and conflict. When I got back to writing this again, I didn't want it to be all about that...I wanted to be able to just write silly and freely, too, because that's part of who I am also. While reading my friend Nic's blog this morning, I saw a post of things she's thankful and/or grateful for. She does this every Monday, and I always enjoy reading it. Today, I decided to make a little list of my own to remind me just how blessed I am...some serious, some silly, but all little rays of sunshine in my life.

...my God. He loves me even when I'm unlovable. That's pretty cool.

...my wife. She loves me even when I'm unlovable. That's commitment..and cool.

...my kids. Sure, sometimes they are a trial...but watching and listening to them play so nicely together as they made silly videos with my camera was a thing of beauty to behold. Those are the moments I'd like to freeze in time forever.

...my house, enough food, and warmth. It's easy to take for granted...but I need to remember to be thankful for it each day. I'm so blessed...but it's easy to get caught up in what I want instead of focusing on what I need that's already there.

...good books. Be it a exciting work of fiction, or a non-fiction one that probes my soul and expands my mind, I love a good book and the escape it gives me.

...music. Dialysis can be really long some days...but I can hit shuffle on my Ipod, grab a book or magazine, and the clock speeds up. I love the effect music can have on me....and glad to have so much to be able to listen to.

...The History Channel. This is one I never thought I'd cop to...and one of the channels I always used to skip over. Now, it's home to two of my favorite reality shows, Pawn Stars and American Pickers. I just can't not watch when I know they're on. Alternately funny and informative, it's just some good mindless TV when I want to unwind.

...my IPad. I got it this summer, and it's been the single best time-killer at dialysis. Full of games, music, books, puzzles, and other stuff, it's always something new to do each time. Being a completist, I have plenty of time to play all the way through things...silly, yet fun for me. Bonus: it's a great electronic pacifier for the kids on trips.

...warm, dry winter boots. I've got a great pair, and they make all the difference on these cold, wet days we've been having lately.

...chipped beef on toast. A simple meal I haven't had in a long while...made it last night and it hit the spot. Also, had some great Chinese food at our Sunday School party this past weekend.....so gooooooooood.

...watching sports. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don't have many vices, but watching sports is one of them. It's been a great run lately, with the exciting NFL playoffs and an unexpected run of good play by my Irish on the basketball court. The Super Bowl is in two weeks, and college basketball is over in March...thank goodness for NASCAR, or I may have to actually go outside. ;)

...people God has put in my life. The last six months have been crazy...but looking back, I'm amazed at how God has led me to many people in my life to help me walk through this valley. Some new, some renewed, but all put into my life at the time I needed them. That's pretty amazing, and not a coincidence.

...hoodies. I used to hate them for years and years...now I can't get enough of them. Maybe it's my proclivity to get cold easier now, or maybe I'm just finally OK with them...but nothing beats coming home and slipping into a nice, warm hoodie with with my sweats. Sometimes, it's the little things.

...Sweettarts. I don't know why, but I've really been on a kick for them lately. We bought some for my son's stocking...and I ate all of them before he even got any. (I know, I'm a terrible dad...) They are just so good!

...grace. Enough said.

...my church. When we started attending NMC this summer, it was hard. Going from a church where we knew everyone and had attended forever to a much larger church was difficult, but after 9 months, it feels like home. We love the pastor and his sermons, challenging us each week. We've found a small church we enjoy and have connected in, and the kids are loving the groups they are in. The change was just what we needed....before we knew we needed it.

...that I'm not Jay Cutler right now. You think you're having a bad week so far?! Yeowch. I almost feel bad for him...almost. (Full disclosure: I HATE the Bears.)

...sports talk radio. I gave up my XM radio this fall, and have come back to local sports talk radio and am really enjoying it. I love the back and forth, the opinions, and the analysis. It really makes my commutes much shorter.

...heated mattress pads. I got this for my wife for Christmas...but I'm loving it. There's nothing like sliding into your bed and immediately being toasty warm. It's like a hug with pillows.

...musicals. I'm a sucker for musicals of any kind. I watched "Mamma Mia" on TBS this past weekend and really enjoyed it. Twice. Don't judge me.

That's just a few things I'm thankful for today...and feeling pretty good about my life right now. Thanks, Nic, for the idea and encouragement...and here's hoping you are reminded about some things you're thankful for today.

I Am New....

2011-01-19T14:25:00.004-05:00

If you know me, the guy you probably see is someone who looks like he has it all together...occasionally funny, friendly, helpful, and confident. If that's what you see, good, because that's the imagine I tend to want to project. Inside, though, I'm a person that's easily broken, with a poor self-image, and one who has trouble not feeling responsible for every bad thing. Even though you may see that I'm always smiling and laughing, inside I've always been someone who barely feels like I can hold it all together.

Last night, as I laid in bed, wide awake, watching my wife sleep, I could feel it coming. It's usually proceeded by an eerie, prickly feeling, followed by a blanket of dread. Quietly at first, then with the force of a tidal wave, my mind was overwhelmed with a fury of negative thoughts:

"You're a mess. No one can ever love you."

"With what you've done, God will never forgive or use you again."

"Your kids will be a wreck because of you."

"Those relationships you hope to be restored? Never going to happen, because you've messed them up way too bad."

"You'll never change...just give up trying...you'll fail like always."

"If people knew the "real" you, they'd want nothing to do with you."

"Hoping for good news about your health? You don't deserve to be well."

As I laid there, like so many nights before, the attack continued. Accusations, guilt, and shame poured on me in buckets, driving me down into the depths of my soul. In the past, this would've started a downward spiral of self-loathing and feeling like I was all alone, trapped in my bad decisions and sin with no way out...and that even if I ever found my way out, that no one would want anything to do with a mess like me.

It was exhausting. Nothing I did or tried seemed to work. I would feel OK for a day or two, then back down in the hole again. As I felt worse and worse about myself, I did more and more for others, hoping that their praise and validation would somehow counteract the voices in my head that kept pushing me down in the mud. That didn't work either.

I didn't find relief and release until I read this great book, "The Bondage Breaker" by Neil Anderson. In it, I found that those attacks weren't from me at all...but from the enemy trying to keep me away from the saving grace of Jesus Christ. The victory was won at the cross...all I had to do was claim it! How incredibly wonderful and freeing it was to claim these verses and fend off that attack last night:

Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it!
(2 Corinthians 5:17, MSG)

You can tell for sure that you are now fully adopted as his own children because God sent the Spirit of his Son into our lives crying out, “Papa! Father!” Doesn’t that privilege of intimate conversation with God make it plain that you are not a slave, but a child? And if you are a child, you’re also an heir, with complete access to the inheritance.
(Galatians 4:6-7, MSG)

We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them.(I John 5:18, NIV)

I recited these and many other promises of God from the Bible as the thoughts continued to fall at terminal velocity...and slowly, the tide began to turn. I claimed His words, His victory, and eventually all I was left with was the quiet of the night....and a song in my heart.

Music has always been a part of my life, though I can't play anything or sing to save my life. God has been great at putting songs in my life at a time when I can claim them as my anthem for that part of my journey. You can see what songs He's used in the past by clicking here.

My song for this time in my life? "I Am New" by Jason Gray. Everytime the enemy tries to work his way back into my heart and mind and fill me with his many lies, the words of the song help me to win the battle before it ever starts. Here's some of the lyrics:

Now I won't deny
The worst you could say about me
But I'm not defined
By mistakes that I've made
Because God says of me

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I'm dearly loved
I am new

I am forgiven.

I am restored.

I am different than I was.

I am His.

I am new....Praise God, I am new.

"Beautiful Things"...

2011-01-17T16:32:00.004-05:00

I just saw a recent tweet by my friend Derry about the band "Gungor" and their music. I have to say that I don't know if he's ahead of the curve, or if I'm way behind, but I've never heard of them...so I Googled it, and this Youtube video came up first. It's an acoustic rendition of their song, "Beautiful Things". It's beautifully played with just 3 instruments....but the lyrics moved me to tears:

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

I can't speak for you...but I sure needed to hear that today.

Click and see if it moves you...

"Real Rest"...

2011-01-17T16:00:00.003-05:00

Jesus resumed talking to the people, but now tenderly.

“The Father has given me all these things to do and say. This is a unique Father-Son operation, coming out of Father and Son intimacies and knowledge. No one knows the Son the way the Father does, nor the Father the way the Son does. But I’m not keeping it to myself; I’m ready to go over it line by line with anyone willing to listen. “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

(Matthew 11:26-30, MSG)

I've got to say...only 15 days into my third journey through the Bible, and I've already had a year's worth of experiences. There have passages that have made me laugh, made me cry, challenged me, broke me, and just reminded my of God's love, grace, acceptance, and forgiveness. Like I said, I've done this twice before, but this time I really feel like God has written all of this just for me...and I like it.

The passage above is Jesus speaking to the crowds, mostly about John the Baptist, who they had put in prison. He begins by basically chastising them for not hearing what He had to say to them...then He was so moved by their plight of unbelief He began to pray for them. After that prayer, His demeanor changed to one of just heartfelt conversation. To me, it was like a good friend grabbing me by the shoulders and saying, "Look me in the eye here, and please, please listen to what I have to say to you because I love you." It was so important, Jesus chose not to shout it...but to say it quietly enough that to you would really have to listen to hear it. Here's what I hear when He spoke to me through His word:

The "Father-Son intimacies" He talked about in the first part to me seems like a dance. With God the Father and Jesus being one, they move together in perfect synchronicity, always exactly in step, without even one mistake. Nothing they do is contrary to each other, or to the Word of God. This, in itself, is amazing enough to watch from the outside...but then Jesus says the magic words: "I'm not keeping it to myself." That, to me, is Jesus walking through the crowded dance floor, past all the other Christians so much "better" than I am, who seems to be so much more worthy of Him and His glory, and he reaches out His hand to me and says, "Come on out and join me...". Even though I step on His toes all the time, He is still patient, graceful, and willing to keep dancing with me throughout the peaks and valleys of my life. That's incredibly cool, in my opinion.

The other part that really resonated with me was this verse:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest."

I don't know about you...but sometimes, I'm exhausted. Sure, sometimes it's physical, but over the last few months, it's been more emotional. There have been times when I've felt so spent, worn out, and overcome by all that I'm facing that I don't know how I can handle it. As I talked with my friend Terry last week, I shared that God said He'd never give me more in my cup than I could bear...and he said that God just must keep giving me bigger cups! (That one made me smile...)

But over these past months, when I feel like it's all crashing down on me, I've found escaping to my Bible and spending time in prayer to be a time of "real rest". It's like I can climb up on His lap, let Him wrap me in His mighty arms, and listen to Him tell me stories, comfort me, calm me, and encourage me. Just "getting away with him" has done it. For so many years, I tried to do and fix everything myself, most often just making things worse, and increasing the load I was carrying...and Jesus just kept saying "Give it to Me, Rob. I'll take care of it, and of you. No matter what it is, or how bad it is, I'm here, and all in with you if you'll let Me." I had to hit bottom before I did...but so glad He was right there at the bottom of my pit waiting for me when I crash landed.

I used to write these little bits to share insight on Scripture I've read with those who find this blog...but so far this year, they're all for me. If God uses it to touch your heart, bonus!....but He's teaching me far more than I could ever share.

Here's hoping we all make time to get some "real rest" in God's arms today.

Sometimes, He Says It All....

2011-01-12T14:18:00.002-05:00

That very night God appeared to him and said,
I am the God of Abraham your father;
don’t fear a thing because I’m with you.

(Genesis 26:24, MSG)

Sometimes, He just says it all.

Here's hoping that brings you at least a measure of peace in whatever you're facing today....as it did for me.

Two Little Verses....

2011-01-11T09:04:00.003-05:00

Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!

Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!

(Proverbs 3:7-8, MSG)

That's my reading in Proverbs today for my "One Year Bible" reading plan on YouVersion.

Just two little verses...yet so powerful to me.

Assuming I know it all....let me be the first to say "Ouch". This has been one of my downfalls for years. I assume that I know everything...and I know how to fix everything...and I know how everything should be done...and that I know how everyone should be.

Seriously...I honestly thought that for years. It wasn't until about five months ago I realized I really didn't know much of anything. When my life was squeezed, shaken, and torn apart, I had to come to the realization that I not only didn't know it all...what I thought I knew was mostly way off. As I really dove into the Bible again, this time with fresh, open eyes, I began to see the knowledge this book holds for the first time....and that's from someone who's read it through twice before already.

So, not only do we not know it all....I love the beauty of the next sentence:

"Run to God, run from evil!"

That, my friends, is the life goal of any Christ-Follower in a nutshell. If you're running to God, you'll have a better shot of running from evil. Conversely, if you're running from God, evil doesn't have to do nearly as much work then. Again, I've spent too much of my life pretending to play the game of following Christ...and far too little actually doing it.

Not anymore. I'm tired of letting satan get the best of me. (And yes, I didn't capitalize on purpose...it's the middle finger of grammar...ht to Jon Acuff for that one...) I spent most of this past weekend in a funk...stuck in a rut of guilt and just some really "stinkin' thinkin'", as my friend Derry so eloquently stated it. I started feeling back about myself and things I'd done, and let the enemy take it and run. I took it out on my wife and kids...and it was wrong. I finally realized that it was a spiritual battle at 3 am on Monday morning, took some time to claim the promises of God in prayer, and felt a load just lift off of me. It was great...and then I wondered why it took me 3 days to figure out what was going on.

As I met with my friend Jeff yesterday, he shared a similar story of battle himself. Thankfully, he introduced the book, "Bondage Breakers" by Neil Anderson, to me, which gave me the scriptures and tools to break out of bondage from of the enemy that I use on almost a daily basis. I'm also thankful to have a friend like him to share the load, encourage each other, and lift each other up in prayer.

This has turned into a long post on just two short verses...but it just reminded me of how simple the battle really is. News flash: God won when Jesus died on the cross and rose again....all we have to do now is claim that victory as our own as a child of God.

Meanwhile, words to live by...

Don't think you know it all.
Run to God.
Run from evil.

Here's hoping I can do a decent job of following the One who knows it all today.

Pride and Babble...

2011-01-05T08:12:00.002-05:00

Then they said, “Come, let’s build ourselves a city and a tower that reaches Heaven. Let’s make ourselves famous so we won’t be scattered here and there across the Earth.” God came down to look over the city and the tower those people had built. God took one look and said, “One people, one language; why, this is only a first step. No telling what they’ll come up with next—they’ll stop at nothing! Come, we’ll go down and garble their speech so they won’t understand each other.” Then God scattered them from there all over the world. And they had to quit building the city. That’s how it came to be called Babel, because there God turned their language into “babble.” From there God scattered them all over the world.

(Genesis 11:4-9, MSG)

I loved this story as a kid in Sunday School...people trying to build a tower to reach heaven? What little boy wouldn't want to do that? And I thought it was cool how God handled it...by garbling their speech so the couldn't communicate. I've often wondered if it was how we began all the different languages of the world.

As I got older, though, this story took on new meaning to me. It's a story of pride and vanity. The people thought that they were living and doing so well, they didn't need God's help anymore. They not only wanted to be equals with God, but to be famous and renown for just how great they thought they really were. God wasn't a fan of that....not a big fan of pride in general, and He put a stop to it. As I read through my Bible, you never see an instance of pride in the life of Christ. There's a guy who had ever reason to be prideful...but chose to be humble instead. He chose to be beaten and nailed to a cross when He could have ended all of them. He chose to live a nomadic life when He could have created the most magnificent palace. He wasn't about being popular...He was about being real.

My reading today lead me from here in Genesis to Matthew 5, more commonly know to us as "The Beatitudes". I've read them before...but seeing it written in the context of this translation really hit me hard...

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

“You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘carefull,’ you find yourselves cared for.

“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

(Matthew 5:3-8, MSG)

My takeaway from today's reading? Well, for quite a while I was just like the people of Babel...thinking I could do it all on my own, that I didn't need God or any help, and that my decisions based on pride, vanity, and selfish desires were right, only because I wanted them to be. God didn't make me start speaking Greek....but He did allow me to fall off my tower....hard. That wasn't fun....still isn't, as a matter of fact...but like Matthew said, sometimes you don't really give it all to God until you have nowhere else to turn. I was at the end of my rope...and I cried out to Him. God had every reason to leave me there...but in his infinite grace, love, acceptance, and forgiveness, He met me there and has been carrying me as I rebuild who I was into who He wants me to be.

I'm not perfect...SO very far from it...but in reading that passage today, I have a goal I want to strive for. I can't change my past...but I can change my future, with God's help. Here's hoping I "babble" less and show more of Him today.

Rainbows....

2011-01-04T08:21:00.004-05:00

God continued, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and everything living around you and everyone living after you. I’m putting my rainbow in the clouds, a sign of the covenant between me and the Earth. From now on, when I form a cloud over the Earth and the rainbow appears in the cloud, I’ll remember my covenant between me and you and everything living, that never again will floodwaters destroy all life. When the rainbow appears in the cloud, I’ll see it and remember the eternal covenant between God and everything living, every last living creature on Earth.”

(Genesis 9:12-16, MSG)

This verse was in my Youversion Bible reading plan for today...and it was just so appropriate for me I had to share it. Yesterday, I joined my wife to for an appointment with a specialist. We left with some serious options to consider for her, and we had alot to think about, and think through. On the way home, she spotted a tiny rainbow up ahead. It hadn't been raining at all, as far as we knew, and the sun was beginning to set in the sky. There was really no scientific reason for it to be there...just that God put it there for her and for us. Just as it was a sign to Noah and his family that God wouldn't destroy the whole earth again, it was a sign to us from God that just said "I know you're worried. I know you're overwhelmed. I know you don't know which way to go...but know I'm here, and I'll be here to walk with and carry you through whatever you will be facing. I love you." It was just what she needed to see, and such a comfort to both of us.

God does give us rainbows in the sky...but He also places them in unexpected places down here, too. My great friend and mentor, Denny Owens, called yesterday morning to wish us well and let us know he and his wife, Jody, were praying for us that day. He asked what doctor we were seeing. I told him and didn't think anything of it...but when we walked out of the examination room, who did we see sitting there waiting for us,but Denny and Jody. It blew us away. They live almost 2 hours away, and drove down there just to be there to give us a hug and help carry the load of these decisions.

This is was amazing...yet nothing new. Denny was a former pastor of mine. He not only was a great leader, but showed me, for the first time, that a pastor is not on a pedestal, but a regular guy just like me. We shared many common interests and became good friends. They left and moved away, but the friendship never waned. We walked through many trials and troubles together, and keep encouraging each other all the way...but he encouraged me much more, and was a great sounding board and mentor for me through the years. As my wife and I have walked through our most recent struggles, they have been right there beside us to support, pray with, and counsel us. We are so proud to have them as friends.

Yesterday, God gave us a rainbow in the sky to remind us that He is there...but he also gave us a rainbow in the surprise visit of our good friends to remind us of the love and support we have from those that love us as much as they love Him. Sometimes, in the midst of our hardest times and lowest moments, it's hard to see God's hand...and I'm always grateful to be reminded of it like I was yesterday. Here's hoping that God sends a rainbow your way today.

Won't You Join Me?

2011-01-03T08:02:00.002-05:00

TAWG.

Time Alone With God.

Anyone that professes to be a Christian knows what this is...the quiet time of reading, prayer, and study of God's Word. We know how powerful this is, and what an impact it can make in our lives...but how often do we really do it? I know, for me, every year I resolve to do a better job of having TAWG more often and more in depth, then it often falls by the wayside as other things take priority over it, and I decide my time is better spent doing things of less worth.

I know the power of TAWG in my own life. I know when I'm in the Word consistently, I have a lesser chance of falling to the traps of the enemy. Conversely, I know that when I don't have this time, I leave myself open to the attacks on my mind and heart. I'm not professing to be any great Christian, believe me...I'm just a guy with many faults and flaws that knows TAWG is like excercise: if you make it a daily habit, you'll feel better, live better, and act better.

My church, Nappanee Missionary, is starting a new series called "Radical" about the life of Jesus, and how we can mirror His example. I've also been recommended a book of the same name by David Platt by both my pastor and also by one of my most trusted and closest mentors. I haven't got a chance to dive into it yet, but I've heard it'll mess me up....and believe me, I need to be messed up.

So, to have a consistent plan for TAWG, I'm jumping back into an old favorite, YouVersion. It's a great way to study and hold yourself accountable, along with having others help do so if you choose. I've decided to do the "One Year Bible" plan, and I've chose The Message as my favored translation. You can choose other year long plans or find shorter ones to do, and you can choose from many different translations. You can bookmark verses, journal notes for yourself, or share those notes with those reading the same passage.

The sharing feature is what makes YouVersion special, in my opinion. Reading what others have to say about the reading for that day has brought new insight into the Word of God for me. So, I'm going to do this...and you're welcome to come along if you wish. Just click here and sign up and get started. If you wish to come along with me, we can hook up on the site, hold each other accountable, and encourage each other along the way.

Whether you do or not, remember to take some time each day to spend with Him. You'll be a better person for it. Here's hoping you find something new about God in your study today.

Just listen....

2010-12-30T16:12:00.005-05:00

You may not know it....but I'm, at heart, a terrible listener. Sure I look like I'm all ears when you're telling me something, but my mind is often a million miles away. I'm quite possibly thinking of how to solve your problem, or a funny retort or response to your story, or how your exposition relates to my own life experience. Who knows, I may even be tuning you out, and thinking of how much I don't want to be listening to anything right now.

We're wired to be self-centered...it's part of our sin nature, and who we are when we are born. We want our needs met, and met right this instant. Some of us grow out of that....and some, like me, never did. I'd hear anyone who wanted to talk to me....but rarely did I ever listen, especially when I knew the words would be contrary to a decision I wanted to make or defend. In fact, as I slipped deeper and deeper into bad decisions and bondage, I just disassociated myself from almost everyone that could not only constructively criticize my choices, but from even being close enough to know what those choices were.

As the wheels fell off the charade I worked so hard to keep going a few months ago, I found myself with lots of time on my hands. Not by choice, but by circumstance...and my counselor and a great book I read ("Bondage Breakers") both suggested that I do something I've never really done: listen.

Listen to God...don't talk or make requests, but just be still and listen. Listen to those trusted friends...the ones not there to pump me up falsely, but ones who love me enough to honestly confront me. Listen to the counselors that are trying to get me to face and address issues in my life. And the hardest thing....listen to my own thoughts.

I was so deep in lies and keeping up a strong public persona, I lost the ability to even hear myself, my true self, think. Whenever it would rear its head, it was shouted down by fear, guilt, and many other things. I didn't listen to myself because then I would have been convicted about what I was doing....so I just sealed that part of me away. Once it all hit the wall, though, and I broke through those lies that held me down, that voice was still there...and it wasn't happy with who I was. In journaling, I came to terms with things about myself I had hated for years...problems I had in dealing with conflict and people...and the consequences of my actions. It was extraordinarily hard...but I think I'm becoming a better person today because of it.

One of the upsides to having your life fall apart is there's no pressure to "put on a show" for everyone anymore. With that pressure lifted, it's been easier to be myself and to learn to listen and focus on conversations, Bible reading, and prayer. I've found so much wisdom around me...and realized I don't know nearly as much as I think I do. I've seen the value of seeking counsel outside of a problematic situation. I've felt the power of being prayed for...and found strength, hope, and direction in just sitting quietly with God. I'm also learning to listen, really listen to others, and to get down and messy and walk through things with them without needing to "fix" it.

So what's the point of this post? Maybe not much...but maybe, just maybe, you're where I was at a few months ago. If you are....take some time and just listen to those that truly have your best interests in mind....you may be surprised at what you hear.

Adios, 2010...

2010-12-27T15:27:00.004-05:00

Well, the end of the year is almost here. For me, business wise, that means a rush of paperwork, inventory, and year-end reports that'll keep us busy almost all weekend...and we all know how much fun that is. Personally, it's mostly just a change of one calendar on the wall for a brand new one...but, hopefully, it's so much more than that.

2010 wasn't a banner year for me. I turned 40, which was much harder on me than I thought it would be. While in the midst of my 30's, I felt like I was still young enough to hang with my teenage relatives...but now, I feel like a "real" adult. Don't get me wrong, I'm still quite immature at times...but 40 just feels kinda old.

Also, it was a whole year of dealing with my kidney failure. 12 months of dialysis...that adds up to 624 hours on the machine to stay alive, or 26 days if you divide that out. Almost a month of the past year was spent hooked up to tubes, pumps, and filters designed to clean my blood. Again, I'm grateful for the technology, but it's really almost a month of actual time. Sometime it passes quickly, but other times it just drags on and on...

This also wasn't a great year for me personally. I made alot of bad choices and decisions that finally unraveled on me in late summer. It's honestly the hardest thing I've ever been through...way harder than the kidney failure. I've essentially had to strip myself down to nothing and re-build my character from the ground up, with the help of God, my wife, a few great friends, and our therapist. It's pretty painful to look at yourself and finally admit that the wonderful guy everyone thought you were isn't who you really are...and who I really was wasn't worthy of much. Some real and wonderful grace, love, acceptance, and forgiveness was extended to me, but dealing with the consequences of what I've done and seeing the pain I've caused to others has wrecked me many days since.

This also wasn't the best of times to be my friend. Two of my best friends faced an intimidating lawsuit and major back surgery respectively. They also had to deal with the fallout of my decisions, and a rift as trust was taken away, and then slowly rebuilt over time.

As you can imagine, I'm not too sad to throw away my 2010 calendars. It's not a year that I'll remember too fondly...but the groundwork has been laid for this next year...and the optimist in me has high hopes for 2011.

This is what I'm hoping for next year:

....a kidney transplant that will give me more of my life back thanks to a real, true gift of life from a good friend...

...a new, and much improved, relationship with my wife, who loves me far better than I will ever deserve, and to love her back fiercely and unconditionally...

...more time with good friends, sharing life transparently, and supporting each other through fun, prayer, and time together...

...to love on and spend time with my two great children, and take them back to Florida and be able to play in the pool and the Gulf with them once I don't need this catheter in my chest anymore...

...to finally become the man that God can be proud of, and that I can be happy with, to be real, open, and honest in all things.

Though 2010 wasn't my year...I believe 2011 can be one of the best ever, and I can't wait to start it anew in just 5 more days. Here's hoping, if this year hasn't been kind to you, that the New Year will bring a new start, a second chance, or whatever you need it to be.

Some Christmas Randomness...

2010-12-24T07:48:00.003-05:00

I don't really have a well thought out post in mind today... (Some would probably say I never do, but that's another story for another time...) So what you'll get today if you're one of the 3 that still read this is just some random thoughts from this muddled mind...

....I hate eggnog. Seriously, who invented this stuff? It's awful! Milk, sugar, eggs, and vanilla? That's all good in ice cream, but not in this form. Yuck. Also, had fruitcake once....and I emphasize once.

....As a kid, I used to love the idea of Santa, leaving cookies out for him, and trying to stay up to see him. As a parent, it was cute for a while, but kinda nice when they found out so a fictional fat man who visits once a year didn't get credit for the presents anymore.

....Looking back at my life, the most memorable Christmases didn't involve gifts at all. I remember all 5 of us piling into Dad's tankwagon to go to my grandma's for Christmas, busting through huge drifts of snow to get there. I remember an actual sleigh with horses coming to our house to give us a ride as snowflakes twirled and fell all around us. I remember waking up Christmas morning and looking out over Waikiki Beach and spending that day watching the Hula Bowl live with my dad. I remember watching my own children delight in seeing they got what they really wanted that year...and I remember a Christmas Eve I spent alone. My point? It's not about about the stuff...it's about the time we spent together, and what we make of those moments.

....I'm DVRing "A Christmas Story" to watch with the kids tomorrow. It's one of my favorites, and I'm looking forward to sharing it with them. Who doesn't love "you'll shoot your eye out", the "Major Award", Flick getting his tongue stuck to a pole, and the classic whine, "I can't put down my arms!" If you haven't seen this holiday classic, find it. I wasn't aware of it until I got to Taylor University and found it was a holiday tradition to screen it after the Christmas banquet. Maybe it's not as funny as I remember...but had lots of laughs with some great friends watching it.

....I'm a little worried about the gifts I got for my wife this year. Don't get me wrong, I think she'll like them, but they aren't clothes or jewelry. I hope it's not too practical. I think she'll like them. I hope so. I'm overthinking this, aren't I?

....ate dinner with my grandpa last night and exchanged gifts with him. He lives in assisted living near our house and is 97 years old. Every time I see him, I'm reminded of a life well lived and that he played a large part in the good name that I carry. He's a godly man who will be well rewarded when he goes home to heaven...but I'm glad I still have him here to talk and visit with now.

....went to Walmart last night around 8 to pick up some pictures for my wife. Let me say, if you've waited this long to buy your Christmas presents, don't berate the clerks for items being out of stock or sold out. Also, not sure if all the guys shopping in the lingerie section have their significant other's best interests in mind...but good luck with that, fellas....and anyone that takes toddlers down the toy aisles deserves every bit of the screaming that follows when they can't get what they want RIGHT NOW. (Yes, I was a little frazzled when I left there...why do you ask?)

I loved this little bit from Max Lucado:

An ordinary night with ordinary sheep and ordinary shepherds. And were it not for a God who loves to hook an “extra” on the front of ordinary, the night would have gone unnoticed. The sheep would have been forgotten, and the shepherds would have slept the night away.

But God dances amidst the common. And that night he did a waltz… The night was ordinary no more.

Don't know about you...but I'm thankful December 25th was no ordinary night. Here's hope He touches you in an extraordinary way today.

All I Want For Christmas....

2010-12-23T08:00:00.004-05:00

Ah, Christmas....

For years, this was the day I couldn't wait for...I would do my best to stay up all night and finally catch that man in the red suit, never once making it happen. Once I knew it was my parents, instead, I would wait quietly in my room until they put out the gifts and stockings and went to bed, and would sneak out and and check out all the stuff. Even into junior and senior high, I would wake up at 2 or 3 am and not be able to get back to sleep...forcing the family to get up at 5 to start opening presents. (Now I see why they didn't like me so much then...)

Once we had children, my focus shifted from getting gifts to giving them. Watching their faces as they open a gift they didn't expect or really wanted still fills me with joy. I love to see them happy and excited as the countdown to Christmas arrives...and Christmas really is for the kids in all of us.

This year, Christmas is different. With all that has gone on with me this year, Christmas almost seems like an afterthought. I know it's still the birth of Christ, which I'm very thankful and grateful for...but I just mean I haven't gotten as caught up in all of the hustle and bustle this year. The main reason I know I haven't is because whenever anyone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, my answer was always the same: nothing.

Now, I'm not trying to "Grinch" myself up this Christmas...but with all that's happened, I think I've just realized that no matter what I think I must have, I have everything I need. I have a relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ that carries and sustains me. I have a wife who loves me fiercely. I have two kids who fill my days with joy. I have family that takes care of me. I have my health...granted, it's not great, but it could be much, much worse. I have a good job and a house to live in. We can put food on the table. We have health insurance to take care of the huge bills I've incurred with my kidney failure. I have friends who love me like brothers to keep me accountable, lift me up, and walk through the hard times with me.

Honestly, I have it all. I don't need a thing. (But if you think you must, ITunes gift cards are acceptable...I am an "app" addict on my IPad...)

So, as the days wind down to the 25th, I'm reminded today of Amy Grant's well-written ode to the season, "My Grown-Up Christmas List". The lyrics, which I've always loved, hit home to me more this year than in any other:

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list

Yep, that's honestly all I want for Christmas this year. Here's hoping that's what we all get...and what we all give as well.

60 Days of Beauty: Holding My Hand...

2010-12-22T08:29:00.004-05:00

Holding hands...so simple....so easy....yet so powerful to me.

Monday night I took the kids to Walmart to buy something with some money they had received for Christmas. As we got out of the van to walk in, my little girl grabbed my hand. Understand this isn't a unusual occurrence....and understand I love it. She's 8 years old now, and in second grade, and I know the day is coming soon when she won't want to be seen with me, let alone walk through a store holding my hand. I know all this, and I revel in it every time she chooses to do so. When she was little, it was understood she needed to hold my hand to be safe and so I knew where she was at...but now its a choice, and every time she chooses it, it tells me how much she loves me. I taught her the "bread and butter" game when you have to break your hold, and now it's a constant battle to find ways to do it while she tries to avoid it. It always makes her smile and laugh. I love it when my little girl holds my hand....

I also love it when my "big girl" does, too. About four months ago, my wife and I went through the most difficult night of our lives. I confessed to things that broke her heart, and thought she would be done with me. As I went to leave, she did something that blew me away. She reached for my hand, held it, and began to pray for me. In the midst of all I'd done, she chose to show my love, acceptance, and forgiveness. It shattered me, and is itself an amazing thing of beauty. Since that night, I don't take the hand holding for granted with her anymore. Every time she reaches for my hand, it's a reassurance that she loves me, even with all my faults and shortcomings. Even last night, as we prayed together before sleeping, she held my hand as she lifted me, our family, and many others up to God...and when she finished, she never left go. In fact, I don't remember if she ever did... As I drifted off to sleep, I felt secure, safe, and loved...all from that simple gesture. Never underestimate the power of something that seems so simple.

Today's thing of beauty: holding my hand....here's hoping you get the chance to show someone some love today.

60 Days Of Beauty Project: The Gift Of Life

2010-12-21T08:33:00.004-05:00

I have been loving following along with my friend Derry's "60 Days of Beauty" project. In a nutshell, here's what it's about in his words:

A few thoughts:

I sense, more than ever a deep level of negativity, frustration, anger, and criticism around me.
I sense, more than ever a deep level of negativity, frustration, anger, and criticism inside me.
Although the Holiday season has its bright and warm moments, the winter months can tend to press in with feelings of depression and hopelessness.

These thoughts have come together for me to come up with an unprecedented series on the blog. I am going to look for at least one time where I am able to say, "That is a thing of beauty" for 60 straight days.".

Derry, and many, many others that are joining him on this journey, have moved and inspired me, and made me grateful for the many blessings and so much beauty that God has placed in my life.

On Thanksgiving Day, I watched a piece on Chris Henry. I must admit, to that point, I knew Chris Henry only as a NFL player, mostly from fantasy football. He played WR for the Cincinnati Bengals, and was in and out of trouble much of his short career. I saw a story just about a year ago that told me Chris had died from head trauma after falling out of a moving vehicle. At that point, I just figured that was the end...but, thanks to his mother, it was only the beginning.

Take a few minutes to watch this piece:

If you think James Brown was a mess after viewing this piece, you should have seen me. Hearing the stories of those four people blessed with a new life by the gift of Chris's organs turned me into a blubbering mess. (And before anyone comments, yes, I know it's not a far walk for me...) But, seriously, as someone waiting for an organ transplant, I know how disease can rob you of the life you once knew, giving you a new reality that not only you have to adjust to, but so do all those around you. My wife and kids, along with our families, have made many concessions to my condition and need to dialyze 3 times a week for four hours at a time. Understand I'm grateful for the technology that's kept me alive, working, and living a relatively normal life....but as each of the people in this piece, I look forward to the day where a gift of someone's else life will bring me a second chance at mine.

If my kidney failure has taught me anything, it's that I can't take things for granted...not my relationship with my wife, not time spent with my kids, and how I choose to use the time He's given me. Each day I try to find at least a moment of joy or beauty to thank God for.

So, Derry, thanks for the inspiration and the encouragement....and my thing of beauty today is the gift of life a mother shared with four that desperately needed it. To end, I'll quote Chris's mom from the end of the piece:

"For people of faith, we believe that people journey into one's life for a reason. Of course, my family will never be the same, but now my family will never be bigger, and for that, on this and every other day, I will truly be very, very thankful."

Some Really Great Stuff...

2010-12-17T08:26:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't blogged for a while...and that's been intentional. I did start back a few months ago, but recieved some pretty wise counsel that I should wait to jump back into it until I spent some more time working on and dealing with issues with myself and with others I care about. It was the right move, and glad I did it...but I do miss the chance to write here. I'll be back, not at the frequency I once was, but I'll be back.

With that said, there are two posts I read this morning that beg to be read:

The first is from my cousin, Maggie Paulus. Maggie married my cousin Brent, and I came upon her blog after getting a referral by my mom. (Yes, I know how odd that sounds...but she's pretty tech savvy.) Maggie's writings are always well written, but what draws me to her posts is her honesty and transparency. If she's happy, you'll know it. If she's sad, you'll see it...and in today's post, if she has doubts, you'll share it with her. I commented on her post that reading her thoughts made me feel less alone in my own, and I mean that. If you want a good chuckle, search the word "Bubby" on her blog to see her thoughts on her little boy (Bubby Vs. The Pickle is my fave), but today I'd like you to read her post entitled "Seeing Through". You'll quickly see the gift she has, and I'm willing to bet you'll read many more.

The other is from the 2nd blog I ever read, Nicole Owens. Nic not only taught me HTML so I could put all the links and other stuff in posts, but inspired me to blog about anything that moves me. She can take things that I may find mundane and make them into interesting reading. I love the way she writes, and she's so smart and clever. One things she's not afraid to do is share when she doesn't know it all. In the spirit of the season, she wrote a great post on the meaning of Christmas and the family's Nativity scene. I don't want to spoil it, but you need to read "In which I am a slow learner". It'll make you smile and think, too...as most all of Nic's posts do. If you have time, she's also an incredible photographer, artist, and seamstress...so take a look around.

That's it for today...here's hoping you find a little joy in unexpected places.

"Oh, The Places You'll Go!"

2010-09-10T07:59:00.002-04:00

My daughter wanted to read with me last night, so she brought me a book that we had picked out at the library. She is now in the AR program, so we had to find books on her level that she can read and be tested on. She's always loved Dr. Suess, but books like "Cat In The Hat" and "Green Eggs and Ham" are too easy for her. The only one that qualified is "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" I had never read it, but had heard for years it was a popular gift for high school graduations, so I was interested to find out what it said. As she read it to me, I found it deeply moving...so much so that when she finished, I called my son over to read it aloud to both of us, as he's struggled with finding his place at school and with friends. He grumped about having to read a "kiddie book" since he was busy playing on the computer, and sat down with an attitude to read it...but I was hopeful by the end he would change his tune. I know the illustrations are silly and childish...but the words are powerful. Here's some clips from the story:

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

What a wonderful lesson to be reminded of....that in life, we will have great highs and we will have painful lows...that life is sometimes scary and unpredictable, but that we must persevere, press on, and face our problems head-on, and not run from them. The book leaves you feeling that you can take on anything, whether you're a 7 year old girl, an 11 year old boy, or a 40 year old dad.

I'm sure I'm late to the party here...but this is a wonderful book for people of any age...and highly recommended as a gift to anyone at a crossroad in their life.

PS: My son, after reading the book to us, told me that he really liked it. Of course, he whispered it quietly in my ear so that his sister wouldn't hear he liked her book...gotta love him. :)

She's Awesome...

2010-09-09T09:00:00.003-04:00

It's come to my attention that the post I wrote last week about what I learned about the Lincolns could be inferred that I was compared my wife to Mary Todd Lincoln. That was not how it was meant at all....I was just sharing the story because it changed my perspective on how I look at all the adversity in my life. Instead of just getting down or mad at it, I found I needed to look for what God was trying to teach me in it. That's all that was meant.

But while I'm on the subject, let me tell you how awesome my wife is. She is incredible, and I've learned more about who she really is in the last few weeks than in our almost 14 years of marriage. She is a shining example of God's grace, love, acceptance and forgiveness. She loves me completely despite my many faults and shortcomings. She takes incredible care of our kids and our home. She is a great balance and partner to me in our business. She is a great compliment to me, very strong in areas where I am weak. She gives me hope that I can someday be the man that she deserves.

We've recently gone through some issues in our marriage that have tested the mettle of who we are as a couple. At some point, I may share about all of that, but right now it's best for us to walk through it together first. Just let me say that the character she has shown when she's been "squeezed" has blown me away, and I'm more in love with her now than the day I married her. I don't deserve her love, but am thankful and grateful every day that she chooses to love a mess like me. As some say, I've definitely outkicked my coverage with her.

She's awesome...just wanted to make sure you all knew that...and it doesn't hurt to remind myself of that, too.

Blessed...

2010-09-06T11:35:00.002-04:00

Well, It's Labor Day....and here I sit at home instead of the lake. It's a beautiful day, but I spent a fair portion of last night hugging the porcelian throne. (I'm sure you needed to know that...) So, as I sit with my laptop inside the house, it would be easy to be upset about being cooped up in here on a holiday...but as I think back on this weekend, I'm reminded of just how blessed I am:

...standing around eating food at our family's tailgate ouside of Notre Dame Saturday noon. As I ate the great food my parents had brought, I just enjoyed the conversations with all that were there. I spoke with my cousin's son about college, his daughter about her passion for dance. I took grief from my brothers-in-law about how my 13 year old nephew drafted me a better fantasy team than they thought I would. As they all laughed at this, I was reminded of how lucky I am that my family lives so close and is so close that we can do this. I'm sure there are many people I know that either don't have that clsoe of a relationship with their families, or are way too far away to spend much time with them. I'm really blessed that I can do that.

...watching the Irish Guard take the flag from the presenters and and raise it while "America The Beautiful" plays. Seeing them unfold the symbol of our country's freedom leave a lump in my throat every single time. I'm so grateful for those that have given their lives so I can live my life here free, and for those that are still defending our freedom today. It's something I hope I never take for granted.

...sitting on a lawn chair reading a book by the shore of Lake Wawasee. As I look out across the water and see my little girl tubing with her cousins, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have access to a place so close to home that can take me so far away from everything else. Once I cross through the doors of that cottage, it's like I'm miles away from all the problems and stress of everyday life. It's a welcome respite from all that threatens to pull me under during the week, and I'm so glad I have a chance to be there.

So, even though my diet today consists of just Saltines and Sprite, I realize how absolutely blessed I am, and how thankful just to be where I'm at.

Here's hoping you realize just how blessed you are today.

I'm Back...

2010-09-03T09:05:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am again....and guessing anyone that had followed this blog before has forgotten all about it...so it's just me and my thoughts again....and I kinda like it that way. This break has changed me in many ways, and it's quite possible I'll share those changes as we go forward...but for now, I'm going to steal my blogfather Derry Prenkert's philosophy of only blogging about things I'm passionate about, and not feel a pressure to do it daily, though it may happen that way. I'm thinking about picking up with my Youversion journaling on here again, too...but we'll see how that goes. For now, it just feels good to be writing again....so off we go.

On Wednesday my wife and I visited the "Sacred Marriage" class at NMC. It was an very interesting and informative session, but one thing in particular stood out to me. It was a story Gary Thomas shared on a DVD we watched about Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.

From what he shared, Mary must have been some piece of work. She went through house help like water, offended nearly everyone she came in contact with, and there are even accounts of her walking into the Oval Office in the middle of meetings with heads of state just to yell at Abraham and throw drinks in his face in displeasure. One traveling salesman was so offended by Mrs. Lincoln he went to the President to complain. After listening to his complaint, Abraham said "You only had to endure for 15 minutes what I've endured for 10 years."

Now, we all chuckled at this...but then Gary went on to share about Lincoln's legacy as President. This man, despite popular opinion being against him, held this country together in the midst of a Civil War and the threat of secession by the southern states. Instead of worrying about his legacy, Lincoln pushed to win the war and to keep America whole. He is revered for it now, but at the time he was hated for sending so many to die in the battles. Lincoln persevered despite so much pressure to cave....and some think this fortitude was ingrained in him in part being married to Mary Todd Lincoln. Dealing with her mood swings and bitter personality steeled Abraham to be the man he needed to be to lead our country.

That was interesting to me.....the very qualities that made Mrs. Lincoln hard to deal with made Abraham into the man whose face adorns Mount Rushmore. This really hit home to me. Quite often I know I would think of things that bothered me about those around me, including my own family. I often wished that they would change so they would suit me better....but this lesson taught me that people are in my life for a reason. God put them there to teach me something, and I haven't been a very good listener lately. Perhaps these things that irk me are there to teach me patience, love, grace, acceptance, and perseverance. Perhaps it's to remind me that love is a commitment and not a feeling. Perhaps God's just trying to get my attention so I can just listen to what he has to say to me.

Some of you think I have it all together....but some of you know how much I don't. I don't have the answers...just a guy walking through life trying to be the best he can despite my many flaws. I'm excited to get back into this again not so much for you reading....but for me. It's something I love to do...and happy to be doing it again.

Here's hoping we find lessons from Him in our trials.

Update On Me.....and The Quiet...

2010-05-19T15:15:00.002-04:00

Sheesh....6 weeks since my last post?! I don't think I've ever gone that long before between posts....but for those couple still hanging around to read this blog, here's the latest on me, and why I've been so quiet...

Candidate #3 for transplant was just told they were not a match for me late last week. It's always a little discouraging to hear that it's a mismatch and know it's at least another three months before I have the chance to match again, but a little perspective makes all the difference.

See, when others just see me walking into the dialysis clinic, I see myself WALKING in, not in a wheelchair with no strength, and not missing a limb or two, as some patients are. When others see time stretch out after a mismatch, I see a long list of those who have blessed me by being willing to try to match, when so many have no one willing to stand in that gap for them. When I was in the hospital, I was told by the nurses that someone in end stage renal failure shouldn't look as healthy as I do...in fact, a few thought I was a visitor!

Sure, I have my moments, but I try to live by one of my favorite quotes by Lou Holtz: "Nothing is ever as good as it seems, nothing is ever as bad as it seems, but somewhere in the middle, reality falls." Right now, this is my reality and I am determined to make the best of it and use it for His glory as best I can. As far as transplant goes, there are 5 people in each group in order. I've been through 3, and a fourth donated to his cousin in Florida, and both are doing very well! I don't know who the 5th one is, as it's their choice to tell me or not, but I'm assuming they will get a call soon to being donor testing, with results hopefully by August.

As far as the quiet, I've kinda tapered as this year has gone on. I still love writing, but I was honestly getting too wrapped up in how many hits I was getting, and really felt pressure, from myself, to post every day and make it interesting every day...if it wasn't, I'd be really hard on myself and spend way too much time obsessing about what I needed to write to make it better. This was completely the opposite reason I started this blog. It's intent was to be an outlet for me to write creatively about things I loved or felt passionate about....but it had become a daily column I felt compelled to continue.

As hard as it was to do, and as much as I miss all your kind and encourging comments, I knew I needed to just step away and only write when I really wanted to. Be it a day, a week, or a few months, I want this to be me again, not what I think my readers wanted me to be. So, if you made it this far, kudos to me and thanks for sticking with me....and don't worry....I'll be back!

Faith Enough To Limp...

2010-04-09T10:26:00.003-04:00

I recieved an email from a friend today...he fowarded a reply from a co-worker who he's been sharing his journey with. This man lost his six year old daughter to cancer a few years ago, and his words to my friend were too powerful not to share....

Being in a cubicle it’s hard for me to have personal conversations on the phone but I do want you to know that you and your family are in our, and others, prayers. People that you don’t even know are praying for you and your family. Hopefully, that provides you a small amount of comfort.

My faith is pretty simple minded and there probably isn’t anything that I can share with you that you don’t already know. But this is what I believe…..no one cried more that God when Maddie fell ill….no one cried more than God when your mother fell ill….and no one cries more than God when he sees you, your father and others struggle. I don’t understand why he can’t take these pains away but I do understand that he cares. Perhaps his answer to our prayers is that he simply provides us the strength to limp forward…..and that is enough.

Don't know about you....but I needed to hear that today. Thanks, my friend.

Bracketology Challenge...Final Results!

2010-04-09T10:21:00.002-04:00

Well, the tourney is over and, like Butler, I fell just short of the victory. Congrats to Scott Tuttle on the win....and your prize is the chance to gloat for the next year!
Here's the final results....and nice work, Todd...you were truly sucktacular!

Group Standings
Rank Team Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion
1 Scott Tuttle 231 40 231 40 Kansas (126)
2 Rob Henschen 227 39 227 39 Kentucky (165)
3 Seth Baron 226 37 226 37 Kentucky (148)
4 Thad Hunsberger 225 42 225 42 Kansas (144)
5 brenda gawthrop 201 38 201 38 West Virginia (123)
6 Joe Bennett 197 35 197 35 Georgetown (138)
7 Shelley Flickinger 195 37 195 37 Kansas (132)
8 Kindra Baron 191 36 191 36 Kansas (148)
9 Jim Mast 181 34 181 34 Kansas (151)
10 Dennis Owens 176 34 176 34 Kansas (145)
11 Matthew Schwartz 173 35 173 35 Kansas (154)
12 Mark Slabaugh 167 31 167 31 Syracuse (142)
13 Kent Norr 167 32 167 32 Kansas (153)
14 John Weldy 161 32 161 32 Kansas (135)
15 Dan Weiss 160 35 160 35 Kansas (138)
16 martha weirich 157 33 157 33 Kansas (150)
17 Jon Andrews 150 30 150 30 Kansas (157)
18 Terry Bley 144 32 144 32 Kentucky (149)
19 STEVEN BIRK 138 31 138 31 Kansas (141)
20 Todd Owens 132 30 132 30 Kansas (163)

See you all next year!

Bracketology - 2nd Week Results....

2010-03-29T08:45:00.004-04:00

This has been one of the best NCAA's in recent history, with so many good close games to watch....unfortunately, with all the upsets, it's wrecked nearly all the brackets in this challenge!! So, let's see who's still alive....

Scott Tuttle is still hanging on to first place with 231 points and 40 correct picks...and though he had Kansas taking it all, he also has West Virginia in the final game, and could still pull this off! Nice job, Scott!

I've still got second place with 227 points and 39 right...but I'm completely done. I did have Duke in the Four, but that's it. I think I'll be sliding down the standings after this week!

In third, Thad Hunsberger with 225 and 42 right (remember, bonus points for picking lower seeds count!). He's still has West Virginia into the title game, so he's still alive.

Fourth, Seth Baron with 216 points and 36 right...but he's got Butler in the final game! Kudos to Seth for that gutsy pick!

And in fifth, Brenda Gawthrop with 201 points and 38 right...but she has the only championship pick still in play with West Virginia...depending on how things go, she could pull it off!!

In case you were wondering, Todd Owens has clinched last place in our pool, and even sits behind his preschool daughter's picks in his family pool. If you know Todd, be sure to give him all sorts of stuff about this poor performance.

I'll be back with the final results on Tuesday after the championship...thanks for playing!

"A Life In Balance"...

2010-03-24T08:46:00.003-04:00

Saturday morning I was sitting in my chair at the dialysis center feeling pretty sorry for myself. I know that most of you just see me smiling and happy most of the time, but I do have my moments when my kidney failure really gets me down. As the machine hummed, I sat and thought about all the fun things I could be doing with the great weather outside, and how frustrated relying on a machine to stay alive is. In the midst of my pity party, I came upon a short article in Sports Illustrated that gave my perspective a well-deserved kick in the tail...

"A Life In Balance" by Phil Taylor

Anthony Robles can do it. Do what? Whatever you might think someone with only one leg can't do. Ride a bike? He learned when he was five, with no more tumbles than you probably had. Run the mile? Technically, Robles "crutches" the distance, but he's done it in as little as eight minutes, which is better than a lot of people with two good legs. Play football? When he was 14 he hopped out to his position at defensive tackle for his junior high team in Mesa, Ariz. Sometimes blockers knocked him over like a bowling pin, but by the end of the season he had dragged down his share of ball carriers.

If there's something Robles can't do because he doesn't have a right leg, he hasn't come across it yet. As for what he does best, it's obvious every time he puts on his Arizona State wrestling singlet and twists another opponent into a human slipknot. Last season Robles was an All-America in the 125-pound class as a sophomore and finished fourth at the NCAA championships. Most people would call that amazing. Robles calls it an appetizer. This year's NCAAs begin on Thursday in Omaha, and Robles, seeded fourth at 125 with a 28--2 record, will need to win five matches over three days to become a national champion. "I've been thinking about it nonstop since last season ended," he says. "I want the whole thing."

From the waist up, the 5'8" Robles looks every bit the wrestling champ. His chest and back are as wide as the screen at your local cineplex and so thickly muscled that it's no surprise he can bench-press almost three times his weight. His handshake nearly snaps your metacarpals, and he can do so many push-ups and pull-ups that you get tired of counting them before he gets tired of doing them. "And his heart," says former Arizona State coach Thom Ortiz, "I can't even begin to tell you about the size of his heart."

Sometimes sports build character; other times they reveal it. For Robles, wrestling has been a way of showing that he's too strong, in every sense, to be held back just because one leg of his pants hangs empty. "You define yourself by what you can do, not what you can't," he says. Robles does that by immediately dropping to the mat at the start of every match, negating some of his balance disadvantage by forcing his opponent to get low with him. Once there, one of his favorite moves is the ball and chain, in which he grabs an opponent's wrist with one hand, pulls that arm through the man's legs, then grabs the elbow of that arm with his other hand to gain control.

Robles had none of that technique when he began wrestling in the ninth grade. His only goal was to avoid being seen as a novelty or an object of pity. "I could tell that some guys were afraid they were going to hurt me," he says. "I hated that." But he laughs when he shares those memories. In fact, he laughs a lot, which balances out all the times he's brought people to tears.

His mother, Judy, cried on the day he was born, his right leg missing all the way up to the hip. An ultrasound had not shown an abnormality, and Judy wept not so much because her baby was imperfect but from the shock. "They did dozens of tests after he was born, but they were never able to find any explanation for it," she says. "It's something that was just meant to be, and now we see it as a blessing." It quickly became clear that the missing limb was not going to limit Anthony's activity. He was fitted with a prosthetic leg when he was three, but he soon figured the time spent putting it on and taking it off could be used for playing, so he tossed it when he was seven and has either used crutches or hopped ever since.

There were more tears when he began wrestling in ninth grade, not so much from Robles but from the spectators who watched him compete. "Grown men would come up to him after matches wiping their eyes, just to shake his hand," says Bob Williams, his Mesa High coach, who has misted up too. Once, when Robles was a sophomore, Williams made each wrestler run laps while holding a 20-pound sandbag after the team's poor performance at a meet. He didn't expect Robles to carry one, but he didn't tell him not to, either. Robles dropped his crutches, picked up the sandbag and hopped a few steps before falling. He got up and hopped a few more times. Another fall. He rose again and again. He fell again and again. But he didn't stop until the rest of the team did. Is it any wonder that one of his nicknames is Braveheart? "I had to turn away," Williams says. "It was hard to watch, but at the same time it was one of the most inspiring things you could imagine."

It will be even more inspirational if Robles wins the national title this weekend—at least it will be to most people. Lately there has been grumbling, mostly the anonymous type floating through cyberspace, that missing one leg gives Robles an advantage. Because he has less weight in his lower body he can have a more muscular torso than his opponents and still stay in the 125-pound class. "There will always be haters," he says. But maybe they've learned something from Robles, too: There is no weakness that cannot be turned into a strength.

As I read this, I cried quietly in my chair, inspired by the perspective of this young man, and disappointed in myself for letting my health get to me. There are so many people with so much more to overcome than me, and like Anthony, I need to not see my condition as a weakness, but as a strength...a way to make me stronger, and a way to reach and touch those around me. My pity party over, I took off the headphones I normally wear to shut the world out during treatment, and took some time to talk with the patients and techs all around me. Saturday turned out to be a pretty good day after all.

Here's hoping we all realize we are blessed no matter what we face today.

Bracketology: Round 1 Results...

2010-03-22T09:13:00.004-04:00

Gotta love Northern Iowa...

The happy boys above wrecked the brackets of about 3/4ths of the Bracketology field this year, taking out Kansas who many had picked to take it all. So without further ado, here's the standings going into the Sweet 16:

In first place, Scott Tuttle with 35 correct and 207 points. Sadly, he was one of the many to pick the Jayhawks to win it all, so enjoy your time on time, Scott...I don't think it'll last long.

In second, me with 33 right and 195 points. (taking a bow) I have Kentucky meeting Syracuse in the finals, so I'm still in it.

In third, Thad Hunsberger with 35 right and 190 points (don't forget the bonus points for picking lower seed upsets!) Nice work, Thad!

Fourth and fifth are Brenda Gawthrop and Seth Baron at 182 and 181 points, respectively. (...and we all know Seth's picks are actually Kindra's second entry...)

Bringing up the rear is my good friend Todd Owens with 24 right and 103 points. Here's hoping you're equally sucktacular at our baseball draft on Friday!

Thanks to all who entered...can't wait to see the results this weekend!

Time To Fill Out The Brackets....

2010-03-15T10:42:00.003-04:00

Yes, it's that time again, and again I will lay down the gauntlet to anyone who reads this drivel to come and join us in the 4th annual Rob's Random Ramblings Bracketology Challenge! It's free, and there are no prizes, other than the chance to gloat over all that have entered. If you're interested in joining in on the fun, here's how you do it:

Click here to be taken to the league's home page where you can enter. (You will need a CBSSports.com account...which is free and only takes a minute...) The password for the group is "irish" (don't use the quotes) and from there you can make your picks. I will update her on this blog and Facebook after each round and you can see how well or poorly you are faring.

Looking forward to pounding you all into the ground this year....it's gotta be my time, right........right?!?

To those of you that played last year, you should've gotten an email invite from the league, and to those of you that are new, welcome....now, let's get it on!

Coolest Thing I've Ever Seen...

2010-03-03T14:02:00.002-05:00

(HT to Best Week Ever...)

If you don't know OK GO's music, chances are you know their videos. Their "treadmill video" for "Here It Goes Again" has over 45 million views on Youtube. Well, they have topped themselves with an amazing contraption and a single, unedited shot of it in progress. Growing up, I was facinated by "Rube Goldberg" machines like this, and always dreamed of making something this cool. Take a watch, and dare you not to smile....

I Want To Be Like Them When I Grow Up...

2010-03-02T09:23:00.005-05:00

I first met Jon & Kristin LeVan as college students at my church. I taught their class for about a year, and got to know them both. They had wonderful personalities, and they both could light up a room when they entered. They were friends to everyone, and always had a smile for you. Less than a year ago, Jon and Kristin found out they were expecting their first child. That incredible joy was tempered early on when the found our their baby suffered from oliogohydramnios, a very rare disease caused by a lack of amneotic fluid. The child had no kidneys, stomach, and bladder, and showed signs of possible brain damage. Most babies with this condition don't even make it out of the womb, and those that do die shortly there after. A natural response to this would be to terminate the pregnancy and save the couple alot of pain and suffering....but Jon and Kristin chose the road less traveled.

They decided to pray for a miracle and carry this baby to term. Their postive attitude through all of the doctor's visits and knowing that the odds were stacked against them has inspired and moved me. I saw Kristin at a basketball game a few weeks ago. She actually sought me out to tell me she was praying for me and asking how I was doing. I appreciated it even more knowing what she was going through, but her thoughts were to encourage others. In those few moments, she blessed and encouraged me far more than she ever realized.

This past Sunday, Jon and Kristin had a little boy they named Joshua Ezekiel. He lived for an hour after his birth, then went home to Jesus to be made complete. Though it had to be heart-breaking, reading how God was there for them in this post moved me to tears and inspired me to kneel in my office and pray for them and thank God for their attitude and witness to all those around them. I know when Joshua entered Heaven, he took off running to the arms of Jesus, his body whole and perfect in every way, being cheered on my first born child I never knew and many others who didn't get the chance to be held by their mommies and daddies. I fully believe that life begins at conception...and that my child is there in Heaven with Joshua right now.

I know some have praised me for how I've handled my kidney failure....but I can't hold a candle to what I've seen and learned from Jon and Kristin. I want to be that secure in my faith and that willing to leave it all in His hands. I want to be like them when I grow up. Thanks for being "Jesus with skin on" for me today, Jon & Kristin....so proud to call you friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.

The Latest On Me and My Kidneys...

2010-02-25T17:53:00.002-05:00

Well, time for another update for those of you following along at home....

I received the news today that my second prospective donor was not passed by the transplant board. She is fine, there are just some things that could present problems down the line for both of us, and the risks just aren't worth the reward. No matter who donates to me, I don't ever want them to put their life, now or future, in any sort of peril just to help me. I don't think I could live with myself if my donor had kidney failure and I had their "good" one.

Am I disappointed? Sure, like anyone in my situation, I was started to look forward and plan for the days after my transplant, but that is not to be for now. God's will here didn't match up with mine, and I know there's a plan in this for me, even though I can't see it at the moment. A little perspective helps, too. I'm so grateful to have a long list of potential donors to work through when so many I know from the dialysis center don't have anyone. I'm thankful for dialysis to be able to clean my blood while I'm waiting, instead of just getting sicker and eventually dying. I'm blessed to be surrounded by so many that care for and love me and that have supported me through this journey so far. All that happened today was that some time was just added to this frame of my life. From start to finish, the process seems to take about 3 months, so if things get started right away, we may know something by the end of May. I'll also be setting up a surgery to have a fistula put into my arm, eliminating the permanent catheter in my neck that has caused so many problems and infections to this point.

Thanks to all of you that have been praying, given me words of encouragement, sent notes or emails, and all the rest...you have no idea how much of a difference you have made in my life.

Seriously?!

2010-02-25T10:22:00.005-05:00

(Courtesy of the boys at Deadspin...)

Cavs To Set World Record For Sissiest World Record

An anticipated sellout crowd of 20,562 fans will receive a complimentary limited edition Cleveland Cavaliers Snuggie™ blanket courtesy of KeyBank that will be conveniently draped over every seat in the arena. Fans will be asked to wear their Snuggie™ blanket for the first five minutes of the game. In attendance will be Guinness World Records® Adjudicator Danny Girton who will then officially certify the new record. Once the record is achieved, every fan will receive a commemorative magnet certificate that will acknowledge they are a Guinness World Record holder.

There are a handful of down-on-their-luck teams chomping at the bit to sign LeBron James. He'd be the only attraction they'd need to sell tickets. Meanwhile, Cleveland is attempting to break the Guinness World Record for most Snuggies.

You know the Snuggie, right? It's a blanket with sleeves, so you can relax in ease and comfort while you watch the last remaining shreds of your masculinity slip away.

The official record being set is "largest gathering of people wearing fleece blankets." So they don't have to be Snuggies, but the Cavs want to humiliate you anyway.

Judging from the picture above, even millonaire NBA players can't rock a Snuggie, and I'm guessing LeBron gave them a big fat "NO" when they asked him to pose in that mess. I would so love to mock this further as I've got a long history of beating down the Snuggie....but I tried one on my parents have the other day and it was toasty warm and comfy....but I still felt like an idiot, and am sure I could never been seen by another person while wearing one.

And as a bonus...here's a very clever sign seen after the US beat Canada in Olympic hockey the other night...

That is all...now back to your regularly scheduled internet surfing...

Can You Lose Hope Without Losing Faith?

2010-02-24T11:49:00.004-05:00

This post kind of started with a conversation we had in my Sunday School class a few weeks ago. This question was asked: "Can you lose hope, but still have faith?" I must admit, it's been on my mind quite a bit since then. I've walked through a very dark time with a good friend of mine, and with my current health condition, it's a question, if I'm honest, that I've asked myself in the quiet of my time with God.

Here's the definition of hope from the dictionary: 1.)to desire with expectation of obtainment and 2.)to expect with confidence. Now, here's the definition of faith: : (1)firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2)complete trust
and (3)something that is believed especially with strong conviction. Ok, let's unpack that...

I think most Christians would say if we have faith, we have hope...and probably some would say it we have hope, then we must have faith in something....but is that true? If you look at the book of Job, we all know the story...a man who has everything, but God allows Satan to take it all from him: his wealth, his family, his health. Everyone tells him to turn his back on God, that all is lost. To me, those people, including his wife, lost their faith. But if you read Job's replies, I see that he reacts differently. Now, don't get me wrong...Job is very sad and upset....and if you read some of the verses below, it sounds like a man who's lost his hope...

The arrows of God Almighty are in me,
poison arrows—and I’m poisoned all through!
God has dumped the whole works on me.(Job 6:4)

Let God step on me—squash me like a bug,
and be done with me for good.

I’d at least have the satisfaction
of not having blasphemed the Holy God,
before being pressed past the limits.

Where’s the strength to keep my hopes up?
What future do I have to keep me going? (Job 6:9-11)

It sure sounds like a guy who's lost his hope to me. Keep in mind that his three friends and his wife spend nearly this entire book telling what a fool he is to keep his faith and to continue to follow and worship God. Job's faith, though, never wavers...and this particular passage is a great example of that:

“I travel East looking for him—I find no one; then West, but not a trace;I go North, but he’s hidden his tracks; then South, but not even a glimpse.

“But he knows where I am and what I’ve done. He can cross-examine me all he wants, and I’ll pass the test with honors. I’ve followed him closely, my feet in his footprints,not once swerving from his way. I’ve obeyed every word he’s spoken,
and not just obeyed his advice—I’ve treasured it.

“But he is singular and sovereign. Who can argue with him? He does what he wants, when he wants to. He’ll complete in detail what he’s decided about me, and whatever else he determines to do."

(Job 23:8-14, MSG)

Now, that's faith....from a man who had lost everything we hold dear and seemed to have no hope. He couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel...probably wasn't even sure there was one. He wished and hoped to die so that all of the pain, both physically and emotionally, would end...but he never lost his faith, he continued to follow Him, and would not waver it that. That's an amazing example to me.

See, many doubters of this story and the Bible will say, "Well, God gave him back twice as much as he had before!" Yes, but that still doesn't replace all he lost, especially his children. That still hurt and, I'm sure, always would. But I believe the faith Job showed in the midst of that trial, when he had lost all hope, honored God, and that Job would have continued honoring him even if his conditions never changed.

So, to bring it home, I think you can lose your hope without losing your faith. We all have dark times of depression and despair when we think that things, problems, or circumstances are impossible and we feel like we are drowning and can't find our way back to the surface...but having faith that there is a plan and someone in control who loves us more than we can fathom or understand? I don't know about you...but some days, that's all that gets me through. With my kidney failure, I have to go to dialysis treatments three times a week. I see alot of people who have lost all hope of ever getting better. Somedays, in that chair hooked up to the machine, I feel that way, too...that a match for transplant won't ever come...or that it will fail...and I will need this machine to live. Believe me, I can get as hopeless as anyone...but I've never lost my faith. I believe that God allowed this to happen to me for a reason, and I've seen some of that already...but mostly I still don't know why...but that's OK. I trust Him. That's faith to me....trusting Him even though I don't understand.

Faith. It's like when my daughter jumps off the couch into my arms. She doesn't understand the laws of motion, the forces of gravity, the amount of strength I have, and my relative position to her...she jumps, having faith that I will catch her, because I always do. That's the same kind of faith I have in God, even when I don't get where He's taking me at all.

I don't know if anyone out there reading this has ever felt this way...sometimes, these are just for me....but if you have lost your hope, hang on to your faith...it'll get you through.

"We Are The World"....

2010-02-15T10:17:00.003-05:00

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

(Matthew 25:37-40, NIV)

Today started out like most Mondays....dragged myself out of bed, showered, ate breakfast, and headed into work. As I was printing off spreadsheets, I decided to catch up on my blog reader. As I did, I came across the following video on Ben Arment's blog. It's an acoustic amateur remake of the famous charity song, "We Are The World". As I listened to it, once the memories of the original faded, I really started listening to the lyrics, and it moved me. Take a listen:

What hit me was this line: "We can't go on...pretending day by day, that soon someone, somewhere will make a change...we are all a part of God's great big family...and the truth is that love is all we need." That's pretty powerful stuff when you think about it. Sometimes, when I see devastation, death, and tragedy all around the world, I feel pretty helpless...I wonder what if what I do make a difference to anyone at all. It's just easy to get caught up and overwhelmed by all the need that we see on a daily basis and think that no matter what we do, it will never be enough, that I will always fall short of what I could and should be.

Though that statement is probably quite true...as I listened I thought of many people just in my own little circle that make a difference. As you travel down the side of my blog, you can see many people being God's hands and feet. From pros like Anne Jackson feeding the hungry and helping the sick in Haiti and Jon Acuff raising funds to build schools in Vietnam, to friends like Katie, who's adopted 14 orphan girls and given them a home, to a young Bennett boy collecting change from his neighbors to help bring hope to people a world away, I'm blown away by those stepping way outside their comfort zones to be "Jesus with skin on" to those that desparately need it...but as I looked, I'm also struck by those willing to do it right here at home. From Sarah sharing her struggles and her hope from coping with the loss of her little girl, to Becky's ministry to the disabled and their families, to pastors that lead us every day like Denny or Derry, I'm surrounded by so many doing so much for the advancement of God's love, acceptance, and forgiveness, and that blesses me deeply.

Sometimes I wonder if God can use me....all I do is write a little, teach some elementary age kids on Wednesdays, and try to be open to His lead...but from all these examples around me, God can use us as long as we're willing, and we may not ever notice it. We may see a miraclous work of God today, or we may just be planting seeds that won't be ready for harvest for years...but we can all make a difference. All it takes is saying this: "Here am I....use me." Simple, yet powerful words.

I love the last line of the song: "It's true...we can make a better day, just you and me." Here's hoping we make it a better day for someone today.

"The Faith Of A Child.."

2010-01-31T13:51:00.003-05:00

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."

(Matthew 18:1-5, NIV)

I really enjoyed worship service this morning. Becky, our worship leader, invited some of the kids in our congregation to join her in leading the singing this morning. As they sang, my eyes were drawn away from the screen with the lyrics to watching the faces of the young boys and girls on the stage. From the surprisingly soaring voices of Sarah, Ashlyn, and Grace to Elijah, Isaac, Cade, and Josh singing their hearts out, to Abby smiling so big at her dad and mom I could hardly believe she could sing at all. They were so much fun to watch...and then my eyes fell on my little girl.

Paige was singing "How Great Is Our God" with the group. As she sang, she closed her eyes, tilted her head upward, and her little brow furrowed as she sang those words as passionately as she could. As I watched her, it really moved me. How often do I come to church, mumble through the music, and daydream through the message? Probably far more often than I care to admit, that's for sure. Seeing Paige sing for "an audience of one", I was reminded of the passage above, and of the fact that God wants us to come to Him as little children. For a while, I thought that mean innocent and naive...but I couldn't have been more wrong.

It means to come into His presence with the faith and love of a child. To come to Him without disappointment, anger, fear, guilt, pride, or sadness...to worship Him with no agenda...to sing of His love, acceptance and forgiveness with no worries about what people will think of us...to love so unconditionally. As I watched her, I realized something:

I want the heart of a 7 year old. I was to see God with her eyes...to know and fully believe that He is big enough to take care of any problem I face, and small enough that I can talk to him anytime. I want my "faith like a child" back. I want to jump up on His lap and settle in for a while. I want to see Him like she sees Him.

Here's hoping we can all find our child-like faith today...