Freedom To Run...

Last night, I got some new running shoes as a late birthday present from my wonderful wife. They are the most comfortable shoe I've ever worn, and the great people at Metro Walk & Run did an amazing job of fitting me in a shoe I never would have found on my own. I couldn't wait until this morning to try them out...so the dog and I got up early, cranked up the IPod, and headed outside to get some exercise.

I started off at my usual walk...then to a brisk one...then lengthened my stride while increase the pace...and finally up to a full jog. This may not see like a large achievement to some of you...but it was a true milestone for me.

You see, it was this weekend two years ago that I began dialysis treatments for my kidney failure. Before that, I had been going to the gym 4-5 times a week and in the best shape I had been in for years. Once I was diagnosed, I needed to limit my exercise since the permanent catheter in my neck was prone to infection and the tip of it stopped right above my heart. Even if that wouldn't have been a concern, the anemia from the kidney failure made me unable to even keep a pace that would give me some cardio benefit. Jogging the length of the sidewalk in front of my house left me short of breath.

One of the most frustrating things about living with end stage renal disease is what it takes from you physically. I couldn't do many things I easily did before, and the lack of energy just left me feeling sapped all the time. Honestly, I forgot how it felt to feel good.

This past April, my good friend Shelley literally gave of herself and blessed me with one of her perfectly functioning kidneys. They recommended that I begin walking as soon as I could, but the stitches in my abdomenial muscles really made it hard to do much more than a slow mosey. My wife was outpacing for the first time ever, for pete's sake! But as the last few months passed by, I've been able to do more and more, and feeling more back to my old self every day.

Today, when I could feel my heart pumping, my lungs working hard, and the burning in my leg muscles, I welcomed them. When the sweat started to pour, it actually felt great. When I felt "the wall" that always arrives when I work out, I was a amazing thing to just push through it and keep going like I used to be able to do. When I finished, I sat on my back patio for a bit as I took my shoes off and caught my breath...and with tears in my eyes, said a quiet prayer to God thanking Him for His perfect timing of this very precious gift, and for the friend who followed God's lead to share herself with me. I finally have the freedom to run, to do all those things that I haven't been able to for two years. It was taken..but now it has been returned, and I'll never take it for granted again.

If you would have seen me out this morning, you wouldn't have been impressed with my form, speed, or length of my little run...but to me, it felt like I just won the Boston Marathon. I can't wait to get back out and do it again tomorrow....and the next day...and the next.

If you're not already an organ donor, I strongly encourage you to consider doing so next time you renew your license. I know the benefits personally from my live donor, but have met so many along the way who have recieved a second chance from someone who took just a minute to check a box at the license branch. Honestly, if you're gone, you can't take them with you...but you can give them to a number of families waiting desperately for them.

Shelley, if you're reading this.....thank you SO much. Not only did you save my life...you've given it back to me. Words can't express the joy I felt not only this morning, but every day.

Here's hoping you all have a happy and safe 4th of July weekend...and that you find joy in the little things today.

Things I'm Reading/Watching/Listening To...

It's been quite a while since I did this...so for the 3 of you still reading, here's what I'm into this summer...

What I'm Reading: "Thirteen Reasons Why" & "A Song of Fire and Ice" Series



"Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher was a quick, good read. The basis of the story is this: a young man recieves an anonymous package of cassette tapes. As he listens to the first, he realizes it's the final words of a friend who had taken her own life recently. As he works his way through all thirteen of them, he finds out she had left them behind as a reminder to those that she felt had driven her to this point. The telling of the story alternates from transcripts of her tapes to the perspective of the main character.

I finished it in about 4 hours. It was riveting and well-written, and the subject matter was very personal to me. As one who grew up getting picked on and bullied, then one who became one of the pickers, the story resonated with me deeply. Though there is some language and some uncomfortable scenes, the story and lessons behind it are something that should be required reading for teenage students everywhere. From harsh and thoughtless words and deeds, to things we may just forget about, our words and actions affect those around us deeply...and this book was a reminder to be careful with my own tongue...and to do my best to teach my children to harness theirs as well, and to truly treat others as they wish to be treated themselves. I highly recommend this one.



I'm in the midst of the "Song Of Fire And Ice" series by George R. R. Martin. I got into this series while watching the "Game Of Thrones" mini-series on HBO. It reminds me of the epic scale and fantasy-based story of the "Lord of The Rings" series, but is told from the point-of-view of a number of different characters. Long story short, it's about a country with seven kingdoms, and the intertwining narrative follows the many people and families striving to be the rulers over it all. Martin has a way of being very descriptive on multiple storylines without being confusing...and with each book in the 6 book (so far) series averaging around 900 pages, it'll take up most of the rest of summer for me to make it through. It's been a while since I've found a book hard to put down...but this series has captured my imagination.

What I'm Watching: The Glades



I've stumbled on to all kinds of shows and books lately...some by accident, and some by recommendation of one of my favorite magazines, Entertainment Weekly. They led me to "Thirteen Reasons Why" and to this show, "The Glades". It's a police show following a transplanted Chicago homicide detective now in Florida on murder cases. The casting is very good, and the writing often leaves you guessing until the very end who actually did it. It's a fun watch, and it's on Sunday nights at 10 on A&E, in place of my favorite show of the spring, "Breakout Kings". I'm also still into last year's summer faves, "White Collar" and "Royal Pains" on USA.

Listening to: People

This summer I've been making a concious effort to not fill my listening time with music, podcasts, or books on tape. In the past few years, I'd been tying myself to my phone, computer, and Ipod...partially to limit the interaction, and partially to isolate myself from the problems I knew I needed to deal with. I'm trying to disconnect from electronics a little more, and reconnect with those around me. I'm spending much more time in conversation with my wife, and being reminded of her sharp wit, sense of humor, and wisdom. I've enjoyed listening to my kids, even when the conversation doesn't make any sense (which is fairly often). I'm listening to those around me more, and even listening to the sounds of nature...which means I'm finally taking time to slow down and appreciate it. I'm also trying to listen to God more, instead of just talking and making requests. I'm spending time just in the quiet, and more time reading His word in longer stretches. Don't make me out as a saint just yet...I still often forget to do this, or make other things more important...but I'm trying...and He shows up when I do.

So, that's what I'm reading/watching/listening to...and if any of you would like to share yours with me, I'd love to hear them...always on the lookout for new stuff!

"I Got You..."

I went yesterday afternoon to a matinee showing of "Super 8", the new film by J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg, with my son. We both really enjoyed it, and the acting and story were very well done. For an odd bird like me, the thriller/alien/coming of age story really resonated with me. Near the center of the story, though, is the relationship between the lead character, a boy named Joe, and his father, Jack (played by the amazing Kyle Chandler of my favorite show, "Friday Night Lights"). Joe's mom dies in a tragic accident before the movie begins, and both men are adrift for most of the movie. They are so close in proximity in the lonely house, but their hearts are so far away. They both desperately need the other...but don't know how to find each other. At the climax of the film, Jack finds Joe safe after a long and hard search for him. Joe sees his dad's eyes, and is afraid he'll be yelled at and chastened for going off on his own to save the girl. Instead, Jack wraps Joe up in his arms and says just three words:

"I got you."

The look of relief and safety in Joe's eyes melted me and, I must admit, got me a little misty. When we left, my son asked what my favorite part was, I told him it was that scene. He didn't get it...his was the massive train wreck and derailment that started the movie. I found it hard to explain, too...but as the night went on, it became clear to me why.

Life gets a little crazy and overwhelming for me sometimes.
I have days when I just don't know how to get through things.
I have times when I feel like I'm doing the best I can, and it blows up on me.
I feel hurt and frustrated, and I don't know how to ask for help.

Over the past year, in those moments, I've found great relief in taking time to pray. Whether it's a calm conversation, angry shouts, or broken-hearted sobs...I know He hears me...and I've felt him whisper those same words that Jack said to Joe:

"I got you."

...but I don't think I can handle anymore than this...
"I got you."

...but it's just not fair...
"I got you."

...sometimes it just hurts too much to bear...
"I got you."

...I don't feel like I do anything worthy of Your or anyone's love...
"I got you."

...I'm so tired...
"I got you."

...I can't do this on my own...
"I got you."

Those three words have given me the strength to keep plugging away on many a day. Though people are human and the best of friends will sometimes let you down, knowing that in God's arms, there's always a safe place to come home to and be comforted, restored, and renewed to face another day.

Here's hoping that today, you realize He's got you, too.

My Journey, Part IV...

(This is the last of four parts of my journey over the last two years that I shared last week at my friend's church...click here to read them all...)

I’d like to end this series of posts with just a few lessons I’ve learned through all of this:

1. God is big. I mean HUGE. God is so much bigger than the boxes I’ve tried to put Him in over the years. Even in the midst of the times when I’m the furthest away from Him, he still pursues me with ferocity that I can’t understand, and continues to take me back and love me again and again no matter how much I’ve disappointed Him. I’ve seen God move in my health in a very visible way…and I’ve seen Him move in people like my wife to restore our broken relationship. Both of these amazing things aren’t because of anything I did…they were done despite what I did. They are both truly “God-things”…and I’m glad His time isn’t my time. God knew 2 years ago that my donor would be Shelley and when it would be…but also knew I would make a long and winding road to get there. What I interpreted as not answering my prayers instead turned out to be God saying this: “Just wait. You’re not where you need to be just yet. Let me love you…let me teach you…and let me lead. Then you will be just where you need to be when you get that gift.” He was SO right….and I’m so thankful that it all worked out that way. If you’re in the midst of a health or relationship crisis right now, let me share some advice from someone who’s been there. Don’t give up on God. Continue to seek Him and his direction for you despite what life gives you. They say true character only comes out when we are squeezed…and when I was squeezed, it wasn’t pretty to see. Don’t go through what I did….continue to follow Him no matter the cost, and He will see you through. I know in my life the best lessons I have learned have come from the deepest valleys. To quote my favorite singer, the late Rich Mullins:

“I know there’s bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain’t nothing to be afraid of
I know there’ll come some tears up in your eyes
That ain’t no reason to fear
I know there’s bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, and hold on tight
He’s been there before, and He knows what it’s like
You’ll find He’s there.”

God is bigger than anything we are facing right now. Don’t put Him in a box…let him be God..and be amazed at what He can do.

2. We are not meant to go it alone. All through the Bible you see pictures of teams. From the Israelites in the wilderness, to the armies of David, to the disciples and Jesus, you see so many pictures of people truly being “the church” to those in need. God knows we need that love and support, and wants that for each of us. This one was hard for me to learn. I am the guy who helped everyone else, but didn’t need any myself. Not only did accepting it make me feel weak, but I thought no one could do things as well as I could. That was wrong. My sickness took a lot from me physically, and I had to let others do things for me. My bad decisions took a lot from me spiritually and emotionally, and I had to let others carry me, then lift me up as I grew and healed. God put some amazing people into my life to do just that. I’m so proud of my wife and my kids and how they’ve walked through all of this with me. They are amazing, and truly a gift from God. Those friends who’ve supported us through this have been incredible, too. If you are going through a valley in your life right now, don’t shut others out. Let them be there for you, and carry you when you can’t carry on. Not only will it help and bless you, but can bless them just as much. To those of you that know someone who’s struggling, don’t avoid them because you don’t know what to say, or give them trite sayings and pat them on the back. As someone who’s been there, that person just needs to hear this from you: “I know what you’re going through is incredibly hard. I don’t know exactly how to support you or what I can do for you, but I want you to know I’m here for you. I’m praying for you, and I’ll stand in the gap with you.” You aren’t called to fix it…and usually, you can’t anyway. Just love them through it…just like Jesus loves us through all of our “stuff”.

3. We each have a story, and God can use it for His glory. As you can see by my story, it’s a long and winding road of ups and downs, good decisions and horrible mistakes. It makes for exciting reading if it didn’t happen to you…but it’s not the path I would choose for anyone. Being up here today is a stretch for me. I still don’t feel like I deserve the chance to share my story with anyone…but the Bible is full of failures who God redeemed to greater things. God can take our deepest valleys and use them to help others to avoid those dark times in life. I’d be willing to venture that at least one person out here has indentified with some part of what I’ve shared, and that God is speaking to you about it. I’d encourage you to share that with someone today. Be it Denny or Jody, or someone else that loves and respects you, you need to share it and be accountable for it. One of Satan’s greatest traps is our pride, thinking that if we ever shared our secret sins, our broken marriage or family, or the things we struggle with deep down with anyone, that they wouldn’t want anything to do with us anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve found when I share these things, that others feel free to share their struggles as well. I’ve learned from some that are further along than I am, and even have had the chance to counsel some that are where I was, or are headed there. Once you get things taken care of with God and those you need to make it right with, remember God can still use you to make a difference for Him….you just have to be bold enough to share those imperfections and focus on the redeeming work He’s done in spite of it. Peter wouldn’t have been the cornerstone of the church without the denial, and Paul wouldn’t have been the amazing preacher he was with the “thorn in his side”. God can use anyone…and he can use you. If you’ve been hurt or broken, or feel like what you’ve done will doom you to the sidelines forever…saddle up and get back on the horse. Sure, it’s hard, scary, and you’re putting yourself out there…but it’s not really about you, is it? It’s about Him…and bringing others closer to Him. That’s why I share this with you today.

If you've read all four posts, thanks...and please remember what I've shared if you're going through a dark time in your own life. Remember, God is so much bigger than we can imagine….that we are not meant to go it alone…and that no matter what you’ve done or been through, that God can use your story for His glory. Thanks.

My Journey, Part III...

(This is the third of four parts of my journey over the last two years that I shared last week at my friend's church...click here to read them all...)

The next group of five began testing around this time, and we began counseling and working through all the mess I had made. I won’t lie…it hasn’t been easy, but it’s been really good. Over those next few months, we found as we rebuilt our relationship God’s way, we grew closer and had a deeper relationship than we ever had before. God continued to work in my heart to change me, and more than ever, I wanted to love my wife as Jesus loves us. I felt like I was on my way to becoming who He always wanted me to be…and the next donor was taken out early in the testing process. Instead of spiraling down into depression as I did before and allowing the enemy to take over, I instead looked at it as a positive, that I got more time to grow and learn before my transplant. Those 12 hours a week in dialysis got used not as much to play with my electronics and watch TV, but in study and prayer. Around the end of October we got word that prospective donor #6 was up for testing….and lo and behold, it was Shelley, the same one who had told me over a year ago that God had told her she would be my match. She was still confident of this…but I wasn’t. I had prepared myself for each donor now that they wouldn’t work out so I wouldn’t be so disappointed when they didn’t. I got a call right before Thanksgiving from her telling me that she had passed all the tests except one, and that a passing grade on a re-test would mean she would be my donor!

We were really excited about this…but little did we know that the “little” test and some other issues would take almost 6 more months to work out. Again, my patience isn’t very good to begin with…but God kept teaching me along the way, reminding me that He had brought me this far in the last months, and that He would carry me the rest of the way. Little did I know that God was using all of this time to re-shape how I saw him. Again, the words of Mark Hall from his book, “Your Own Jesus” ring true:

The god we want shows up in comfortable non-verses that we assume are in the Bible but really aren't. God helps those who help themselves. God blesses the rich so they can bless others. God wont' give you anything you can't handle. These "verses" describe the god we wish we had, rather than the God who is.
What will the real God do? He'll put us out in the middle of a sea and tell us to walk on it. He'll place us before a giant with a rock and a sling. He'll allow a tornado or cancer or a heart attack or a foreclosure or a job loss or a death to come our way. He will give us more than we can handle just just show us that only He can handle things.

Ouch….and Amen. Now I’m not saying God made me sick or wanted me to make those bad decisions…no way. What I am saying is that God still loves me in spite of all that, and has chosen to use the mess I made for His glory. You see, I had to finally get to a point where I could admit to God that I couldn’t do it myself. I was great at telling God that everything was His…but that I’d take care of most of my stuff because I know He’s busy. I wasn’t helping Him…I was instead not giving it all to Him and not trusting Him for the best way to live. I had to get so far down in my pit that I couldn’t see any light at all, and cry out “God! I can’t do this! I need your help!! WHERE ARE YOU?!” only to hear a quiet whisper from over my shoulder saying this: “I’m right here, Rob….where I’ve been all along. I have never moved…you’ve been running from me. My arms are still open wide…so let me carry you.” I finally gave it ALL up to Him…and He did things I never thought possible.

Those extra six months after she matched with me allowed so much more growth in me and in my relationship with my wife and my family. At the end of February, I finally got the call I had been waiting for. The transplant would take place on April 6th. The long journey will come to an end. Shelley was right after all…it was her, and God confirmed that to her almost two years before. He confirmed it to me as well…I just chose not to believe it then. Shelley’s attitude through all of this amazed me. Her conviction and willingness to follow through on God’s plan for her knowing that it would be a long hard road to recovery blew me away. She was willing to go from the picture of health to months of anemia and pain while her body adjusted to life with one kidney and as she healed for me. Just like Christ did on the cross, Shelley gave literally of herself to save my life. Her gift gave my body a new life, free from the machines that were in control of my health, and allowed me to experience a freedom I had lost. I will never be able to fully express my thanks to her and her family for this…and for the unconditional love they have shown us throughout this journey.

So, as you can see, I’m feeling pretty good now. My checkups show the kidney we jokingly call “Lil’ Shelley” is working perfectly. My weekly set of tests show my body is back to normal levels on just about everything, and the incision is healing nicely. I do feel like a new man…not just with the kidney, but with all God had done for me and in me these past few years.

(The final wrap-up tomorrow...)