Just listen....

You may not know it....but I'm, at heart, a terrible listener. Sure I look like I'm all ears when you're telling me something, but my mind is often a million miles away. I'm quite possibly thinking of how to solve your problem, or a funny retort or response to your story, or how your exposition relates to my own life experience. Who knows, I may even be tuning you out, and thinking of how much I don't want to be listening to anything right now.

We're wired to be self-centered...it's part of our sin nature, and who we are when we are born. We want our needs met, and met right this instant. Some of us grow out of that....and some, like me, never did. I'd hear anyone who wanted to talk to me....but rarely did I ever listen, especially when I knew the words would be contrary to a decision I wanted to make or defend. In fact, as I slipped deeper and deeper into bad decisions and bondage, I just disassociated myself from almost everyone that could not only constructively criticize my choices, but from even being close enough to know what those choices were.

As the wheels fell off the charade I worked so hard to keep going a few months ago, I found myself with lots of time on my hands. Not by choice, but by circumstance...and my counselor and a great book I read ("Bondage Breakers") both suggested that I do something I've never really done: listen.

Listen to God...don't talk or make requests, but just be still and listen. Listen to those trusted friends...the ones not there to pump me up falsely, but ones who love me enough to honestly confront me. Listen to the counselors that are trying to get me to face and address issues in my life. And the hardest thing....listen to my own thoughts.

I was so deep in lies and keeping up a strong public persona, I lost the ability to even hear myself, my true self, think. Whenever it would rear its head, it was shouted down by fear, guilt, and many other things. I didn't listen to myself because then I would have been convicted about what I was doing....so I just sealed that part of me away. Once it all hit the wall, though, and I broke through those lies that held me down, that voice was still there...and it wasn't happy with who I was. In journaling, I came to terms with things about myself I had hated for years...problems I had in dealing with conflict and people...and the consequences of my actions. It was extraordinarily hard...but I think I'm becoming a better person today because of it.

One of the upsides to having your life fall apart is there's no pressure to "put on a show" for everyone anymore. With that pressure lifted, it's been easier to be myself and to learn to listen and focus on conversations, Bible reading, and prayer. I've found so much wisdom around me...and realized I don't know nearly as much as I think I do. I've seen the value of seeking counsel outside of a problematic situation. I've felt the power of being prayed for...and found strength, hope, and direction in just sitting quietly with God. I'm also learning to listen, really listen to others, and to get down and messy and walk through things with them without needing to "fix" it.

So what's the point of this post? Maybe not much...but maybe, just maybe, you're where I was at a few months ago. If you are....take some time and just listen to those that truly have your best interests in mind....you may be surprised at what you hear.

Adios, 2010...

Well, the end of the year is almost here. For me, business wise, that means a rush of paperwork, inventory, and year-end reports that'll keep us busy almost all weekend...and we all know how much fun that is. Personally, it's mostly just a change of one calendar on the wall for a brand new one...but, hopefully, it's so much more than that.

2010 wasn't a banner year for me. I turned 40, which was much harder on me than I thought it would be. While in the midst of my 30's, I felt like I was still young enough to hang with my teenage relatives...but now, I feel like a "real" adult. Don't get me wrong, I'm still quite immature at times...but 40 just feels kinda old.

Also, it was a whole year of dealing with my kidney failure. 12 months of dialysis...that adds up to 624 hours on the machine to stay alive, or 26 days if you divide that out. Almost a month of the past year was spent hooked up to tubes, pumps, and filters designed to clean my blood. Again, I'm grateful for the technology, but it's really almost a month of actual time. Sometime it passes quickly, but other times it just drags on and on...

This also wasn't a great year for me personally. I made alot of bad choices and decisions that finally unraveled on me in late summer. It's honestly the hardest thing I've ever been through...way harder than the kidney failure. I've essentially had to strip myself down to nothing and re-build my character from the ground up, with the help of God, my wife, a few great friends, and our therapist. It's pretty painful to look at yourself and finally admit that the wonderful guy everyone thought you were isn't who you really are...and who I really was wasn't worthy of much. Some real and wonderful grace, love, acceptance, and forgiveness was extended to me, but dealing with the consequences of what I've done and seeing the pain I've caused to others has wrecked me many days since.

This also wasn't the best of times to be my friend. Two of my best friends faced an intimidating lawsuit and major back surgery respectively. They also had to deal with the fallout of my decisions, and a rift as trust was taken away, and then slowly rebuilt over time.

As you can imagine, I'm not too sad to throw away my 2010 calendars. It's not a year that I'll remember too fondly...but the groundwork has been laid for this next year...and the optimist in me has high hopes for 2011.

This is what I'm hoping for next year:

....a kidney transplant that will give me more of my life back thanks to a real, true gift of life from a good friend...

...a new, and much improved, relationship with my wife, who loves me far better than I will ever deserve, and to love her back fiercely and unconditionally...

...more time with good friends, sharing life transparently, and supporting each other through fun, prayer, and time together...

...to love on and spend time with my two great children, and take them back to Florida and be able to play in the pool and the Gulf with them once I don't need this catheter in my chest anymore...

...to finally become the man that God can be proud of, and that I can be happy with, to be real, open, and honest in all things.

Though 2010 wasn't my year...I believe 2011 can be one of the best ever, and I can't wait to start it anew in just 5 more days. Here's hoping, if this year hasn't been kind to you, that the New Year will bring a new start, a second chance, or whatever you need it to be.

Some Christmas Randomness...

I don't really have a well thought out post in mind today... (Some would probably say I never do, but that's another story for another time...) So what you'll get today if you're one of the 3 that still read this is just some random thoughts from this muddled mind...


....I hate eggnog. Seriously, who invented this stuff? It's awful! Milk, sugar, eggs, and vanilla? That's all good in ice cream, but not in this form. Yuck. Also, had fruitcake once....and I emphasize once.

....As a kid, I used to love the idea of Santa, leaving cookies out for him, and trying to stay up to see him. As a parent, it was cute for a while, but kinda nice when they found out so a fictional fat man who visits once a year didn't get credit for the presents anymore.

....Looking back at my life, the most memorable Christmases didn't involve gifts at all. I remember all 5 of us piling into Dad's tankwagon to go to my grandma's for Christmas, busting through huge drifts of snow to get there. I remember an actual sleigh with horses coming to our house to give us a ride as snowflakes twirled and fell all around us. I remember waking up Christmas morning and looking out over Waikiki Beach and spending that day watching the Hula Bowl live with my dad. I remember watching my own children delight in seeing they got what they really wanted that year...and I remember a Christmas Eve I spent alone. My point? It's not about about the stuff...it's about the time we spent together, and what we make of those moments.

....I'm DVRing "A Christmas Story" to watch with the kids tomorrow. It's one of my favorites, and I'm looking forward to sharing it with them. Who doesn't love "you'll shoot your eye out", the "Major Award", Flick getting his tongue stuck to a pole, and the classic whine, "I can't put down my arms!" If you haven't seen this holiday classic, find it. I wasn't aware of it until I got to Taylor University and found it was a holiday tradition to screen it after the Christmas banquet. Maybe it's not as funny as I remember...but had lots of laughs with some great friends watching it.

....I'm a little worried about the gifts I got for my wife this year. Don't get me wrong, I think she'll like them, but they aren't clothes or jewelry. I hope it's not too practical. I think she'll like them. I hope so. I'm overthinking this, aren't I?

....ate dinner with my grandpa last night and exchanged gifts with him. He lives in assisted living near our house and is 97 years old. Every time I see him, I'm reminded of a life well lived and that he played a large part in the good name that I carry. He's a godly man who will be well rewarded when he goes home to heaven...but I'm glad I still have him here to talk and visit with now.

....went to Walmart last night around 8 to pick up some pictures for my wife. Let me say, if you've waited this long to buy your Christmas presents, don't berate the clerks for items being out of stock or sold out. Also, not sure if all the guys shopping in the lingerie section have their significant other's best interests in mind...but good luck with that, fellas....and anyone that takes toddlers down the toy aisles deserves every bit of the screaming that follows when they can't get what they want RIGHT NOW. (Yes, I was a little frazzled when I left there...why do you ask?)

I loved this little bit from Max Lucado:

An ordinary night with ordinary sheep and ordinary shepherds. And were it not for a God who loves to hook an “extra” on the front of ordinary, the night would have gone unnoticed. The sheep would have been forgotten, and the shepherds would have slept the night away.

But God dances amidst the common. And that night he did a waltz… The night was ordinary no more.

Don't know about you...but I'm thankful December 25th was no ordinary night. Here's hope He touches you in an extraordinary way today.

All I Want For Christmas....

Ah, Christmas....

For years, this was the day I couldn't wait for...I would do my best to stay up all night and finally catch that man in the red suit, never once making it happen. Once I knew it was my parents, instead, I would wait quietly in my room until they put out the gifts and stockings and went to bed, and would sneak out and and check out all the stuff. Even into junior and senior high, I would wake up at 2 or 3 am and not be able to get back to sleep...forcing the family to get up at 5 to start opening presents. (Now I see why they didn't like me so much then...)

Once we had children, my focus shifted from getting gifts to giving them. Watching their faces as they open a gift they didn't expect or really wanted still fills me with joy. I love to see them happy and excited as the countdown to Christmas arrives...and Christmas really is for the kids in all of us.

This year, Christmas is different. With all that has gone on with me this year, Christmas almost seems like an afterthought. I know it's still the birth of Christ, which I'm very thankful and grateful for...but I just mean I haven't gotten as caught up in all of the hustle and bustle this year. The main reason I know I haven't is because whenever anyone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, my answer was always the same: nothing.

Now, I'm not trying to "Grinch" myself up this Christmas...but with all that's happened, I think I've just realized that no matter what I think I must have, I have everything I need. I have a relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ that carries and sustains me. I have a wife who loves me fiercely. I have two kids who fill my days with joy. I have family that takes care of me. I have my health...granted, it's not great, but it could be much, much worse. I have a good job and a house to live in. We can put food on the table. We have health insurance to take care of the huge bills I've incurred with my kidney failure. I have friends who love me like brothers to keep me accountable, lift me up, and walk through the hard times with me.

Honestly, I have it all. I don't need a thing. (But if you think you must, ITunes gift cards are acceptable...I am an "app" addict on my IPad...)

So, as the days wind down to the 25th, I'm reminded today of Amy Grant's well-written ode to the season, "My Grown-Up Christmas List". The lyrics, which I've always loved, hit home to me more this year than in any other:

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list

Yep, that's honestly all I want for Christmas this year. Here's hoping that's what we all get...and what we all give as well.

60 Days of Beauty: Holding My Hand...

Holding hands...so simple....so easy....yet so powerful to me.

Monday night I took the kids to Walmart to buy something with some money they had received for Christmas. As we got out of the van to walk in, my little girl grabbed my hand. Understand this isn't a unusual occurrence....and understand I love it. She's 8 years old now, and in second grade, and I know the day is coming soon when she won't want to be seen with me, let alone walk through a store holding my hand. I know all this, and I revel in it every time she chooses to do so. When she was little, it was understood she needed to hold my hand to be safe and so I knew where she was at...but now its a choice, and every time she chooses it, it tells me how much she loves me. I taught her the "bread and butter" game when you have to break your hold, and now it's a constant battle to find ways to do it while she tries to avoid it. It always makes her smile and laugh. I love it when my little girl holds my hand....


I also love it when my "big girl" does, too. About four months ago, my wife and I went through the most difficult night of our lives. I confessed to things that broke her heart, and thought she would be done with me. As I went to leave, she did something that blew me away. She reached for my hand, held it, and began to pray for me. In the midst of all I'd done, she chose to show my love, acceptance, and forgiveness. It shattered me, and is itself an amazing thing of beauty. Since that night, I don't take the hand holding for granted with her anymore. Every time she reaches for my hand, it's a reassurance that she loves me, even with all my faults and shortcomings. Even last night, as we prayed together before sleeping, she held my hand as she lifted me, our family, and many others up to God...and when she finished, she never left go. In fact, I don't remember if she ever did... As I drifted off to sleep, I felt secure, safe, and loved...all from that simple gesture. Never underestimate the power of something that seems so simple.

Today's thing of beauty: holding my hand....here's hoping you get the chance to show someone some love today.

60 Days Of Beauty Project: The Gift Of Life

I have been loving following along with my friend Derry's "60 Days of Beauty" project. In a nutshell, here's what it's about in his words:

A few thoughts:

I sense, more than ever a deep level of negativity, frustration, anger, and criticism around me.
I sense, more than ever a deep level of negativity, frustration, anger, and criticism inside me.
Although the Holiday season has its bright and warm moments, the winter months can tend to press in with feelings of depression and hopelessness.

These thoughts have come together for me to come up with an unprecedented series on the blog. I am going to look for at least one time where I am able to say, "That is a thing of beauty" for 60 straight days.".

Derry, and many, many others that are joining him on this journey, have moved and inspired me, and made me grateful for the many blessings and so much beauty that God has placed in my life.

On Thanksgiving Day, I watched a piece on Chris Henry. I must admit, to that point, I knew Chris Henry only as a NFL player, mostly from fantasy football. He played WR for the Cincinnati Bengals, and was in and out of trouble much of his short career. I saw a story just about a year ago that told me Chris had died from head trauma after falling out of a moving vehicle. At that point, I just figured that was the end...but, thanks to his mother, it was only the beginning.

Take a few minutes to watch this piece:



If you think James Brown was a mess after viewing this piece, you should have seen me. Hearing the stories of those four people blessed with a new life by the gift of Chris's organs turned me into a blubbering mess. (And before anyone comments, yes, I know it's not a far walk for me...) But, seriously, as someone waiting for an organ transplant, I know how disease can rob you of the life you once knew, giving you a new reality that not only you have to adjust to, but so do all those around you. My wife and kids, along with our families, have made many concessions to my condition and need to dialyze 3 times a week for four hours at a time. Understand I'm grateful for the technology that's kept me alive, working, and living a relatively normal life....but as each of the people in this piece, I look forward to the day where a gift of someone's else life will bring me a second chance at mine.

If my kidney failure has taught me anything, it's that I can't take things for granted...not my relationship with my wife, not time spent with my kids, and how I choose to use the time He's given me. Each day I try to find at least a moment of joy or beauty to thank God for.

So, Derry, thanks for the inspiration and the encouragement....and my thing of beauty today is the gift of life a mother shared with four that desperately needed it. To end, I'll quote Chris's mom from the end of the piece:

"For people of faith, we believe that people journey into one's life for a reason. Of course, my family will never be the same, but now my family will never be bigger, and for that, on this and every other day, I will truly be very, very thankful."

Some Really Great Stuff...

I know I haven't blogged for a while...and that's been intentional. I did start back a few months ago, but recieved some pretty wise counsel that I should wait to jump back into it until I spent some more time working on and dealing with issues with myself and with others I care about. It was the right move, and glad I did it...but I do miss the chance to write here. I'll be back, not at the frequency I once was, but I'll be back.

With that said, there are two posts I read this morning that beg to be read:

The first is from my cousin, Maggie Paulus. Maggie married my cousin Brent, and I came upon her blog after getting a referral by my mom. (Yes, I know how odd that sounds...but she's pretty tech savvy.) Maggie's writings are always well written, but what draws me to her posts is her honesty and transparency. If she's happy, you'll know it. If she's sad, you'll see it...and in today's post, if she has doubts, you'll share it with her. I commented on her post that reading her thoughts made me feel less alone in my own, and I mean that. If you want a good chuckle, search the word "Bubby" on her blog to see her thoughts on her little boy (Bubby Vs. The Pickle is my fave), but today I'd like you to read her post entitled "Seeing Through". You'll quickly see the gift she has, and I'm willing to bet you'll read many more.

The other is from the 2nd blog I ever read, Nicole Owens. Nic not only taught me HTML so I could put all the links and other stuff in posts, but inspired me to blog about anything that moves me. She can take things that I may find mundane and make them into interesting reading. I love the way she writes, and she's so smart and clever. One things she's not afraid to do is share when she doesn't know it all. In the spirit of the season, she wrote a great post on the meaning of Christmas and the family's Nativity scene. I don't want to spoil it, but you need to read "In which I am a slow learner". It'll make you smile and think, too...as most all of Nic's posts do. If you have time, she's also an incredible photographer, artist, and seamstress...so take a look around.

That's it for today...here's hoping you find a little joy in unexpected places.