Perspective...

I love optical illusions...not just for the tricks it plays on your mind...but because it's a matter of perspective...we know it's just a static picture...but when you look at it, it seems to be rotating...our perspective of looking at the same thing changes what we see...

I'm not going to lie...it's been a rough stretch. The last week has been a wringer emotionally, capped off by the going-home celebration for a man I deeply loved and respected, my grandfather. It's easy to sit in the depths of sorrow and self-pity...but if there's one thing I learned while being sick with kidney failure, it's that when those times overtake me and threaten to pull me under to drown, I just need to choose to find perspective and realizes I'm blessed, and there are others going through more than me, and I can help myself by helping and supporting them. Again, I said I CHOOSE to do it...it's not natural, and it's not easy...but for me, it's critical. It doesn't take much to send me into a sad or depressed spiral downward...and I'm usually more than happy to feed the beast. In CHOOSING not to, I change my perspective, and that makes my life easier and better and, hopefully, makes me a better influence on those around me. Here's a few things I'm holding on to and being active in today:

- We had a great time celebrating my wife's birthday. I spent time shopping for her on Monday afternoon and had a ball doing it. When I got home, I took the kids aside and told them they could pick out a present to give to Mom from them. Not surprisingly, they choose to give her all of them, leaving me with just my card. She seems to like them, and the kid's cards made her really and truly smile, which made my day. I treasure her smiles, the kind where her eyes crinkle almost completely shut, and her contagious laugh. Just getting one of those can turn my day around instantly.

- I've got two sets of friends waiting to make their families complete. Todd and Nic are traveling home now from bonding time with a little guy soon to be #5 in their family. They have started the proceedings, and will return to bring him home soon. They are full of hope and joy, yet still apprehensive, because he's not officially theirs yet. Derry and Janelle have already done that, but now must wait on pins and needles as their return to get Katylynn's little brother depends on things completely out of their hands. If you want to pray specifically for me along with them, click here...I know they would appreciate the prayer support. I think I know how that must feel, to wait for something God's led you to, but know it's in His time and hands, and not theirs. All I can say is His time has always shown to be better than my time...and I stand in the gap in prayer with these two amazing couples.

- A couple I know, about the same age as me, has recently found out that she has cancer in her chest and lymph nodes. She's had surgery, but now is preparing to start treatments of chemotherapy to eradicate it from her body. The doctors are optimistic, and their attitude is positive, but I know the doubt and fear that creeps in when things seem to be against you. They have a great relationship, love each other and Jesus, and have a strong support system...and that's much more than most. Knowing how it feels to be sick and how it feels to be "healed", I'm standing in the gap with them and praying for a full recovery.

- The love of my wife and kids. Having nearly lost this last fall, I am doing my best to not only not take it for granted, but to delight in it daily. My daughter and I butted heads last night, but after walking away frustrated, she came back to me a little later and we restored the relationship. Knowing she needed to know we were "OK" before going to bed meant alot to me, and her willingness to do so on her own spoke volumes to me. My son is growing up way too fast, and our conversations are starting to turn more from kiddie things to things of a young adult. He asks lots of questions, and it's given me opportunities to talk to him about life in general, and has really opened up doors to a deeper relationship with him. As he heads to junior high next year, I really want to be intentional about being present and available to him. And my wife...I could do a series of posts on her, but suffice it to say for now she has been a picture of unconditional love to me, and it has changed my life.

- A chance to serve. After the events of last year, I made my peace with the fact that God probably would never choose to use me again...but thankfully, he's had a better idea. He brought a new friend into my life a few months before transplant. We not only hit it off immediately, but were able to share confidentially and intimately about areas we need to be accountable in. When we get together to talk, he's not only willing to share about his failures and resolve to get better, but to ask me to hold him accountable, and to ask the hard questions to do the same for me. It's not easy...but God is present in it. He's given me a chance to invest in someone despite my failures in the past...and without knowing it, that person has given me a renewed will to stay on the path I'm journeying on. To see his zeal to want to be a better husband, father, and man of God and how hard he's trying has inspired me to step it up in my own life. I would have understood if God would have just left me on the sidelines...but He's chose to use me anyway, and it means alot to me.

I know this post has been pretty long...and you should know, this one was for me. After putting all of this down on paper, I do feel much better, and know I have plenty of areas to invest my energy in rather than feeling sorry for myself. It's a much better feeling to stand alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ and say "I'm here...and I've got your back." It makes everything else seems smaller and much less painful...and that's where I need to be.

I know when Jesus was here on earth He was often in this position. People didn't believe him, His own disciples didn't get it, and leadership was not only out to discredit Him, but out to kill Him. He could've focused on that...but CHOSE instead to focus on what matters most.

For me, a little perspective helps me get back on that track, providing that different way to look at something, just like that optical illusion, and gives me a whole new way to see it.

Ode To A Great Man...

Today, we laid my Grandpa, Virgil Henschen, to rest. It was a beautiful service, full of many memories and tributes to a man who touched so many lives. As part of it, I wrote one myself and shared it...and now I want to share it with you. If you knew him, you'll agree...and if you never met him, you'll find out why I admire him so much...

Growing up, Grandpa seemed to be bigger than life…almost regal. I was never really close to him then, and we didn’t do much together during my formative years. When I was 26, however, he asked me to help him write his autobiography. I agreed, and was able to dive into the life of a pretty amazing man. Working through his notes and manuscripts, I learned there was so much more to him than I ever knew about…and taking the time to talk with him over the many years that followed, I not only got to know my grandfather, but to learn some very valuable lessons about the kind of man I want to be. I’d like to share a few of them with you now…

First of all, Grandpa was a man of smiles. I can’t remember a time where I ever saw him without one. No matter how his health was, good or bad, he would always greet me with that great smile of his. As a kid, I looked at this gracefully grayed man and thought he never did anything ornery in his life…and after reading his memories, I was wrong. As a youngster, he and his cousin Irvin took his uncle’s chewing tobacco pouch and filled it with horse manure. He loved not only playing pranks, but had an innate ability to laugh at himself. It put people at ease, and was one of the characteristics that made him beloved to so many. Even last week, the last time I saw him, he made me laugh. He had put on his driving cap to stay warm, and he had nodded off during our visit. When he awoke, his first words were “Chrissy took my hat!” Dad said, “No, Daddy, it’s still right on your head”, and it made us all a little sad because we knew he was confused. After reaching up and confirming to himself it was still there, he pulled it off, held it out in front of him, and with a huge smile, he said, “No, it’s not!” It was perfectly timed to take the weight out of the room, and remind me that the man that I loved was still there. He was a man of smiles….and those smiles encouraged and blessed all that came in contact with him.

He was also a man of love. This was one of the overarching qualities of his life. He loved his wives, his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. He loved his friends, his community, and his church. He always thought of others before himself, and considered their feelings in each decision he made. As a young married man, he had the chance to take a free trip to Alaska with a friend. He declined, telling his friend that he wouldn’t have a good time knowing his wife was home alone. He loved doing things with his wife, and doing things for them. For as long as I can remember, he would always give a heart shaped box of chocolates to his wife on Valentine’s Day. He was great at remembering things that made you feel special, and taking the time to do them or talk with you about them. Even as a grown man, when I would come to visit him by myself at his apartment at Miller’s, he would always ask me how Kris and the kids were…and always follow it up with two questions: “Are you loving her well?” and “Are you loving them well?” I wish I could say that the answer to that was always yes…but Grandpa loved me anyway, and always kept me accountable and encouraged me to be the best husband and father I could be. Though those two questions were hard and sometimes piercing, I loved him for loving me enough to ask, and to be willing to share his wisdom with me on how to do it. The most memorable example of his love was watching him take care of my Grandma Ruth as Alzheimer’s first took her memories, and then her mind. I can’t imagine how hard it was to watch this person you’ve spent most of your life with slowly drift away…but he never complained, and took care of her himself as best he could, even when it sapped most of his health. He waited to admit her into professional care until he physically could not do it anymore. He lived out “for better or for worse, in sickness or in health” for me…and gave me a shining example about what real and true love is. He was a man of love…and someday, I hope and aspire to be that myself.

He was a man of contentment. Grandpa lived through the Great Depression, so he knew early on what it meant to have nothing and to be content anyway. He did without a lot of things I know I think I need or just take for granted. He first wanted to be an eye doctor, but didn’t have the money for schooling. He could have been bitter, but instead searched for a different path God had for him. He became an agent for Standard Oil on faith and a prayer to God… (Read passages on pg. 42) Once he had built his business there, he had an opportunity to take over the territory close to his childhood home. This was his answer: (Read passage on pg 46). He was satisfied…and that says a lot about the kind of man he was. In his book, he shares how God carried him through the many years Grandma was sick. (read pg. 90-91) Interestingly, my wife and I were visiting with him just a few months ago and asked him if Miller’s felt like home to him now. His answer was that exact same verse. I’m sure many things have happened to Grandpa over his many years, and I know he had the chance to be disappointed, hurt, sad, and angry over circumstances….but he instead chose to be content where God has put him. He was a man of contentment…and I know I can still learn a lot about my own life from that.

He was a man of character. In all my years, not only have I never heard Grandpa say a cross word about anyone, I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about him. He was respected by his family and friends, his customers and business associates, and his community and church. Even in these last few days, I’ve been touched by how many people have come up to be to tell me how much they thought of him, even ones I don’t know. Grandpa gave me many things, but one of the most important is my last name. He spoke about it himself in his book: (Read pg. 95) The value of a good name is priceless, and far above anything this world has to offer. I’m thankful he was willing to hand that to me, and though I know I’ve sometimes done a terrible job with it, I want to strive to be worthy of the name he’s given to me. He was a man of character…and I’m so very proud to be a part of his legacy.

Finally, and most importantly, he was a man of God. Grandpa accepted Christ in August of 1927, and made his relationship with God a priority in his life. It influenced and colored every aspect of his life. In the midst of a crisis between friends and family, he prayed to God “to take him 100 miles from it”. God opened the door to a job in Wakarusa, almost exactly 100 miles from where he lived. He instilled God’s word and His way to live in his children, and gave back and invested in others to help multiply God’s kingdom as a teacher, leader, and deacon for this church. He prayed for his family daily, and took great joy in seeing them grow in God’s word and see them serving and investing in others. When I visited him, I often brought him books to read, and his favorites were about God. He read his bible cover to cover many times, and could speak and share the many things God taught him. He made God a priority and integral part of his life….not just something he did on Sundays. I know if he were here today, as pleased as he would be by your love and support, his final call to all of you would be that you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior as He did. He would want to see all of you up in Heaven with him someday. He was a man of God…and a great example to me of Jesus with skin on during his time here with us.

As sad as it is to know he’s gone, I’m so happy that he’s home in heaven. He’s got a new body, worshipping in the presence of God, and reconnecting with many family and friends, including some of his grandchildren that went to be with Jesus before any of us got to know them here. Even today, I can just picture Jesus and Grandpa just sitting on a cloud, looking down at all of us gathered here. Jesus slips his arm around Grandpa’s shoulders, and with a smile, tells him” Well done, my good and faithful servant!” and Grandpa just smiles his best smile in return. That’s what I see….and as his grandson and fellow brother in Christ, that’s what I want to hear someday. Grandpa, we love you, we miss you, and can’t wait to see you again.

"Little" Things I'm Thankful For...

You know....I haven't done a random list in a while....so here goes....

The following is a list of things that my new kidney has allowed me to do:

- eat bacon. Yes...that lovely strip of pork fried to a crispy golden brown....it's just heavenly.

- eat potatoes. Another forbidden food on dialysis. Baked, mashed, tots, fries..it's all good.

- take a real shower. With my permanent cath for dialysis, I had to wash my hair in the tub faucet, then shower from the chest down, and use a washcloth to clean the rest, avoiding my site. Just standing under a steaming shower was a thing of beauty.

- wear sweats EVERYWHERE. While my incision is healing, pants and jeans are hard to wear since the button is right at the bottom of my stitches. I loved it at first...but now looking forward to dressing like a normal adult soon.

- drink colas....and drink in general. Before the transplant, I was very limited on the amount of fluid I could ingest, as too much would just have to be pulled off in dialysis. Now, they want me to drink about a gallon a day to keep the kidney working...and it's a thing of beauty. It's also working so well, they've asked me to drink more dark colas, since it's clearing too much phosphorus from my system, something else that dialysis couldn't do.

- Given me back almost 12 hours in the week. My Tuesday and Thursday treatments are no longer...making me feel like I can resume a normal workday. Once my physical restrictions have been lifted, I'll have the time to do all facets of my job in the way I feel I need to. As a guy, that's important.

- given me back my Saturdays. This is a huge one. For almost two years, I would leave home at about 11 and return at nearly 5. I missed so much time with my family on the one day we have at home together. It's a wonderful feeling just to hang with them, even if we have nothing planned. I know I don't take it for granted anymore.

- just feeling better. As my body continues to heal, I feel more and more of my strength and endurance returning. I can't wait to start doing cardio and working out again. The energy I feel grows each day, and I don't miss the worn out feeling that the anemia that accompanies kidney failure brings.

- Eat bacon. It's so good, it merits being mentioned twice...as do potatoes.

- Going underwater. This may sound silly, but I've always enjoyed swimming. Whether at the pool, lake, or ocean, I can spend all day in the water..and with that cath, I couldn't do it...just resigned to sit and watch my kids and everyone else enjoy it. I cannot wait to dive in this summer.

- A new perspective. Being sick for so long really has made me appreciate the health I do have, and not to take it for granted. I'm taking better care of myself, and hope to keep the gift that Shelley gave me for many, many years. I also understand better now that my life is not in my hands, it's in His...and that's a much better place for it to be.

I'm sure I can think of many more...but I'll stop here for now. God has led me on an amazing journey...and is still teaching me new things about it daily. I pray that He can use my experience to help others going through it or other long-term illnesses, just like others have come along beside me.

So, if your day hasn't been what you'd hoped it would be, take a minute to just be thankful for some of the "little things" like these...and understand how "big" they would be if they're taken away. Here's hoping we can all find joy in our lives today.

What If Your Blessings Come Through Raindrops...

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

The lyrics above are from a beautifully written song called "Blessings" by Laura Story. I'm probably way behind the boat on this one, but I heard it for the first time this past Sunday in small church when Pastor Justin shared a lesson on praise with us. He talked about how we not only need to praise God when things are going really well...but also when it seems like we're drowning. No matter how bad things get, there are always reason to praise Him...and finding a little perspective in the midst of it can show us that things could always be worse.

This song, though, really touched me. It felt like the thoughts I've had so many nights over the past two years. I won't lie...sometimes it felt like God was the furthest thing from me..and that He either just didn't care about me, or that He wanted me to be miserable and depressed. Some was from circumstance beyond my control...but much from my own mistakes and bad choices. I didn't feel worthy of anyone's love, let alone God's...so why would I think He cared about me?

Hindsight is a pretty amazing thing. Looking back now on the past two years, I can see His hand all over it. My sickness, though not fun at all, taught me that I can't control everything. Some things are out of my hands, and I have to trust in God to take care of them...and learned the hard way that He always has a better plan than I do anyway. Waiting almost 2 years to find a match and have the transplant was heart wrenching and an emotional roller coaster...but God knew that I wasn't where I needed to be, and he patiently had me wait and endured my cries and anger, knowing that I would appreciate it and be really ready for it in His time. Last fall, my house of cards fell down when the mistakes I had made in my personal life came to light. I was very caught up in people's perception of me...and this pretty much took that all away. While I was in the depths of depression about this, God used that time to break me, and start from scratch to begin to mold me into a man of character, one that He could finally be proud of. Did God want me to make those bad choices? No way...but He came alongside me and kept loving despite how bad I disappointed Him, and used and is still using it to teach and guide me...and even to help others avoid the path I chose.

You see...those sleepless nights when I cried out to God asking "Where are you? Why aren't you here? Why aren't you making this better? Why did you leave me now, when I needed you the most?! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!"

In His still small voice, He said this: "I'm right beside you...where I've always been...and I'll wait here patiently until you can finally see me because I love you so desperately. I haven't gone anywhere...you did."

Last August, I finally heard and saw Him. After being broken for Him, and turning my life back over to His lead...I watched Him get to work. He took my wife who no one would have blamed for leaving, and gave her a heart of forgiveness and restoration, and our relationship is stronger now than it has ever been. He took a church that we were new to, and made it our home, and surrounded us with people that truly love us for us. He brought people into our lives that I would have never thought of to stand in the gap for us, and to support us unconditionally. All blessings to be sure...and believe me, it came along with flash floods of raindrops and rivers of tears...but in my life, the best lessons I've learned have come through some of the hardest times of my life.

Even the other night, as I held my wife and we shared our sorrows and disappointment and some things that still hurt and sting, I had to be reminded of how He has blessed us in all the ways I listed above...and be reminded that if He can bring us through all of that, He can and has a plan to bring us the rest of the way.

Can I see it now? Nope.
Do I need to? Nope.

I trust Him...and I strive to be open to His lead when He chooses to include me in the process. I try to run everything I do and say through this filter:

1. Will this honor God?
2. Will this honor my wife and family?
3. Will this cause someone to stumble, fall, or think poorly of Christ because of my
actions or words?

Do I always succeed? Not on your life...but taking a few seconds to run my thoughts through that filter have saved me from making big mistakes more than once.

I guess what I'm really trying to get at is this:
If you're in the midst of a hard time or trial in your own life right now, don't walk away from Jesus by assuming He's walked away from you. Instead, ask Him what He wants to teach you in this...and seek His word and spend time listening in prayer to find the answer...and just remember, no matter how bad things are...He's right there, just waiting for you to collapse in His mighty arms and say "I'm done, Jesus...it's yours."

As I'm finishing this, God has laid it on my heart to pray for anyone who reads this and feels that way....and I'm going to do that. If you want me to pray for you personally and specifically, you can drop me an email at this address. Promise it'll be between you, me and Him.

Thanks for listening to me ramble...and here's hoping we can find God's blessings in the midst of raindrops today. Here's Laura's song..and the album is called "Blessings":

1.62

Yep.

That's my creatinine level from my blood draw yesterday.

It's the lowest level I've had since I left the hospital post-transplant a month ago.

It's also exactly what we asked God for on April 23rd.

That's God showing up in a pretty big and amazing way.

That's many, many people lifting me and my family up in prayer.

Just when I think I've seen God work and move in incredible ways...He just does it again, telling me this: "Rob, no matter if you see Me or not...I'm always here...and I'm always working for your good, even when it doesn't seem like it." I'm really happy God doesn't me to notice, understand, or even fully believe in His power to work in my life...but I'm trying hard to leave things at His feet everyday, and not to take them on myself.

To all of you who've been praying: Thanks...you truly did make a difference...it couldn't have happened without you.