Things I'm Reading/Watching/Listening To...

It's been quite a while since I did this...so for the 3 of you still reading, here's what I'm into this summer...

What I'm Reading: "Thirteen Reasons Why" & "A Song of Fire and Ice" Series



"Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher was a quick, good read. The basis of the story is this: a young man recieves an anonymous package of cassette tapes. As he listens to the first, he realizes it's the final words of a friend who had taken her own life recently. As he works his way through all thirteen of them, he finds out she had left them behind as a reminder to those that she felt had driven her to this point. The telling of the story alternates from transcripts of her tapes to the perspective of the main character.

I finished it in about 4 hours. It was riveting and well-written, and the subject matter was very personal to me. As one who grew up getting picked on and bullied, then one who became one of the pickers, the story resonated with me deeply. Though there is some language and some uncomfortable scenes, the story and lessons behind it are something that should be required reading for teenage students everywhere. From harsh and thoughtless words and deeds, to things we may just forget about, our words and actions affect those around us deeply...and this book was a reminder to be careful with my own tongue...and to do my best to teach my children to harness theirs as well, and to truly treat others as they wish to be treated themselves. I highly recommend this one.



I'm in the midst of the "Song Of Fire And Ice" series by George R. R. Martin. I got into this series while watching the "Game Of Thrones" mini-series on HBO. It reminds me of the epic scale and fantasy-based story of the "Lord of The Rings" series, but is told from the point-of-view of a number of different characters. Long story short, it's about a country with seven kingdoms, and the intertwining narrative follows the many people and families striving to be the rulers over it all. Martin has a way of being very descriptive on multiple storylines without being confusing...and with each book in the 6 book (so far) series averaging around 900 pages, it'll take up most of the rest of summer for me to make it through. It's been a while since I've found a book hard to put down...but this series has captured my imagination.

What I'm Watching: The Glades



I've stumbled on to all kinds of shows and books lately...some by accident, and some by recommendation of one of my favorite magazines, Entertainment Weekly. They led me to "Thirteen Reasons Why" and to this show, "The Glades". It's a police show following a transplanted Chicago homicide detective now in Florida on murder cases. The casting is very good, and the writing often leaves you guessing until the very end who actually did it. It's a fun watch, and it's on Sunday nights at 10 on A&E, in place of my favorite show of the spring, "Breakout Kings". I'm also still into last year's summer faves, "White Collar" and "Royal Pains" on USA.

Listening to: People

This summer I've been making a concious effort to not fill my listening time with music, podcasts, or books on tape. In the past few years, I'd been tying myself to my phone, computer, and Ipod...partially to limit the interaction, and partially to isolate myself from the problems I knew I needed to deal with. I'm trying to disconnect from electronics a little more, and reconnect with those around me. I'm spending much more time in conversation with my wife, and being reminded of her sharp wit, sense of humor, and wisdom. I've enjoyed listening to my kids, even when the conversation doesn't make any sense (which is fairly often). I'm listening to those around me more, and even listening to the sounds of nature...which means I'm finally taking time to slow down and appreciate it. I'm also trying to listen to God more, instead of just talking and making requests. I'm spending time just in the quiet, and more time reading His word in longer stretches. Don't make me out as a saint just yet...I still often forget to do this, or make other things more important...but I'm trying...and He shows up when I do.

So, that's what I'm reading/watching/listening to...and if any of you would like to share yours with me, I'd love to hear them...always on the lookout for new stuff!

"I Got You..."

I went yesterday afternoon to a matinee showing of "Super 8", the new film by J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg, with my son. We both really enjoyed it, and the acting and story were very well done. For an odd bird like me, the thriller/alien/coming of age story really resonated with me. Near the center of the story, though, is the relationship between the lead character, a boy named Joe, and his father, Jack (played by the amazing Kyle Chandler of my favorite show, "Friday Night Lights"). Joe's mom dies in a tragic accident before the movie begins, and both men are adrift for most of the movie. They are so close in proximity in the lonely house, but their hearts are so far away. They both desperately need the other...but don't know how to find each other. At the climax of the film, Jack finds Joe safe after a long and hard search for him. Joe sees his dad's eyes, and is afraid he'll be yelled at and chastened for going off on his own to save the girl. Instead, Jack wraps Joe up in his arms and says just three words:

"I got you."

The look of relief and safety in Joe's eyes melted me and, I must admit, got me a little misty. When we left, my son asked what my favorite part was, I told him it was that scene. He didn't get it...his was the massive train wreck and derailment that started the movie. I found it hard to explain, too...but as the night went on, it became clear to me why.

Life gets a little crazy and overwhelming for me sometimes.
I have days when I just don't know how to get through things.
I have times when I feel like I'm doing the best I can, and it blows up on me.
I feel hurt and frustrated, and I don't know how to ask for help.

Over the past year, in those moments, I've found great relief in taking time to pray. Whether it's a calm conversation, angry shouts, or broken-hearted sobs...I know He hears me...and I've felt him whisper those same words that Jack said to Joe:

"I got you."

...but I don't think I can handle anymore than this...
"I got you."

...but it's just not fair...
"I got you."

...sometimes it just hurts too much to bear...
"I got you."

...I don't feel like I do anything worthy of Your or anyone's love...
"I got you."

...I'm so tired...
"I got you."

...I can't do this on my own...
"I got you."

Those three words have given me the strength to keep plugging away on many a day. Though people are human and the best of friends will sometimes let you down, knowing that in God's arms, there's always a safe place to come home to and be comforted, restored, and renewed to face another day.

Here's hoping that today, you realize He's got you, too.

My Journey, Part IV...

(This is the last of four parts of my journey over the last two years that I shared last week at my friend's church...click here to read them all...)

I’d like to end this series of posts with just a few lessons I’ve learned through all of this:

1. God is big. I mean HUGE. God is so much bigger than the boxes I’ve tried to put Him in over the years. Even in the midst of the times when I’m the furthest away from Him, he still pursues me with ferocity that I can’t understand, and continues to take me back and love me again and again no matter how much I’ve disappointed Him. I’ve seen God move in my health in a very visible way…and I’ve seen Him move in people like my wife to restore our broken relationship. Both of these amazing things aren’t because of anything I did…they were done despite what I did. They are both truly “God-things”…and I’m glad His time isn’t my time. God knew 2 years ago that my donor would be Shelley and when it would be…but also knew I would make a long and winding road to get there. What I interpreted as not answering my prayers instead turned out to be God saying this: “Just wait. You’re not where you need to be just yet. Let me love you…let me teach you…and let me lead. Then you will be just where you need to be when you get that gift.” He was SO right….and I’m so thankful that it all worked out that way. If you’re in the midst of a health or relationship crisis right now, let me share some advice from someone who’s been there. Don’t give up on God. Continue to seek Him and his direction for you despite what life gives you. They say true character only comes out when we are squeezed…and when I was squeezed, it wasn’t pretty to see. Don’t go through what I did….continue to follow Him no matter the cost, and He will see you through. I know in my life the best lessons I have learned have come from the deepest valleys. To quote my favorite singer, the late Rich Mullins:

“I know there’s bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain’t nothing to be afraid of
I know there’ll come some tears up in your eyes
That ain’t no reason to fear
I know there’s bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, and hold on tight
He’s been there before, and He knows what it’s like
You’ll find He’s there.”

God is bigger than anything we are facing right now. Don’t put Him in a box…let him be God..and be amazed at what He can do.

2. We are not meant to go it alone. All through the Bible you see pictures of teams. From the Israelites in the wilderness, to the armies of David, to the disciples and Jesus, you see so many pictures of people truly being “the church” to those in need. God knows we need that love and support, and wants that for each of us. This one was hard for me to learn. I am the guy who helped everyone else, but didn’t need any myself. Not only did accepting it make me feel weak, but I thought no one could do things as well as I could. That was wrong. My sickness took a lot from me physically, and I had to let others do things for me. My bad decisions took a lot from me spiritually and emotionally, and I had to let others carry me, then lift me up as I grew and healed. God put some amazing people into my life to do just that. I’m so proud of my wife and my kids and how they’ve walked through all of this with me. They are amazing, and truly a gift from God. Those friends who’ve supported us through this have been incredible, too. If you are going through a valley in your life right now, don’t shut others out. Let them be there for you, and carry you when you can’t carry on. Not only will it help and bless you, but can bless them just as much. To those of you that know someone who’s struggling, don’t avoid them because you don’t know what to say, or give them trite sayings and pat them on the back. As someone who’s been there, that person just needs to hear this from you: “I know what you’re going through is incredibly hard. I don’t know exactly how to support you or what I can do for you, but I want you to know I’m here for you. I’m praying for you, and I’ll stand in the gap with you.” You aren’t called to fix it…and usually, you can’t anyway. Just love them through it…just like Jesus loves us through all of our “stuff”.

3. We each have a story, and God can use it for His glory. As you can see by my story, it’s a long and winding road of ups and downs, good decisions and horrible mistakes. It makes for exciting reading if it didn’t happen to you…but it’s not the path I would choose for anyone. Being up here today is a stretch for me. I still don’t feel like I deserve the chance to share my story with anyone…but the Bible is full of failures who God redeemed to greater things. God can take our deepest valleys and use them to help others to avoid those dark times in life. I’d be willing to venture that at least one person out here has indentified with some part of what I’ve shared, and that God is speaking to you about it. I’d encourage you to share that with someone today. Be it Denny or Jody, or someone else that loves and respects you, you need to share it and be accountable for it. One of Satan’s greatest traps is our pride, thinking that if we ever shared our secret sins, our broken marriage or family, or the things we struggle with deep down with anyone, that they wouldn’t want anything to do with us anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve found when I share these things, that others feel free to share their struggles as well. I’ve learned from some that are further along than I am, and even have had the chance to counsel some that are where I was, or are headed there. Once you get things taken care of with God and those you need to make it right with, remember God can still use you to make a difference for Him….you just have to be bold enough to share those imperfections and focus on the redeeming work He’s done in spite of it. Peter wouldn’t have been the cornerstone of the church without the denial, and Paul wouldn’t have been the amazing preacher he was with the “thorn in his side”. God can use anyone…and he can use you. If you’ve been hurt or broken, or feel like what you’ve done will doom you to the sidelines forever…saddle up and get back on the horse. Sure, it’s hard, scary, and you’re putting yourself out there…but it’s not really about you, is it? It’s about Him…and bringing others closer to Him. That’s why I share this with you today.

If you've read all four posts, thanks...and please remember what I've shared if you're going through a dark time in your own life. Remember, God is so much bigger than we can imagine….that we are not meant to go it alone…and that no matter what you’ve done or been through, that God can use your story for His glory. Thanks.

My Journey, Part III...

(This is the third of four parts of my journey over the last two years that I shared last week at my friend's church...click here to read them all...)

The next group of five began testing around this time, and we began counseling and working through all the mess I had made. I won’t lie…it hasn’t been easy, but it’s been really good. Over those next few months, we found as we rebuilt our relationship God’s way, we grew closer and had a deeper relationship than we ever had before. God continued to work in my heart to change me, and more than ever, I wanted to love my wife as Jesus loves us. I felt like I was on my way to becoming who He always wanted me to be…and the next donor was taken out early in the testing process. Instead of spiraling down into depression as I did before and allowing the enemy to take over, I instead looked at it as a positive, that I got more time to grow and learn before my transplant. Those 12 hours a week in dialysis got used not as much to play with my electronics and watch TV, but in study and prayer. Around the end of October we got word that prospective donor #6 was up for testing….and lo and behold, it was Shelley, the same one who had told me over a year ago that God had told her she would be my match. She was still confident of this…but I wasn’t. I had prepared myself for each donor now that they wouldn’t work out so I wouldn’t be so disappointed when they didn’t. I got a call right before Thanksgiving from her telling me that she had passed all the tests except one, and that a passing grade on a re-test would mean she would be my donor!

We were really excited about this…but little did we know that the “little” test and some other issues would take almost 6 more months to work out. Again, my patience isn’t very good to begin with…but God kept teaching me along the way, reminding me that He had brought me this far in the last months, and that He would carry me the rest of the way. Little did I know that God was using all of this time to re-shape how I saw him. Again, the words of Mark Hall from his book, “Your Own Jesus” ring true:

The god we want shows up in comfortable non-verses that we assume are in the Bible but really aren't. God helps those who help themselves. God blesses the rich so they can bless others. God wont' give you anything you can't handle. These "verses" describe the god we wish we had, rather than the God who is.
What will the real God do? He'll put us out in the middle of a sea and tell us to walk on it. He'll place us before a giant with a rock and a sling. He'll allow a tornado or cancer or a heart attack or a foreclosure or a job loss or a death to come our way. He will give us more than we can handle just just show us that only He can handle things.

Ouch….and Amen. Now I’m not saying God made me sick or wanted me to make those bad decisions…no way. What I am saying is that God still loves me in spite of all that, and has chosen to use the mess I made for His glory. You see, I had to finally get to a point where I could admit to God that I couldn’t do it myself. I was great at telling God that everything was His…but that I’d take care of most of my stuff because I know He’s busy. I wasn’t helping Him…I was instead not giving it all to Him and not trusting Him for the best way to live. I had to get so far down in my pit that I couldn’t see any light at all, and cry out “God! I can’t do this! I need your help!! WHERE ARE YOU?!” only to hear a quiet whisper from over my shoulder saying this: “I’m right here, Rob….where I’ve been all along. I have never moved…you’ve been running from me. My arms are still open wide…so let me carry you.” I finally gave it ALL up to Him…and He did things I never thought possible.

Those extra six months after she matched with me allowed so much more growth in me and in my relationship with my wife and my family. At the end of February, I finally got the call I had been waiting for. The transplant would take place on April 6th. The long journey will come to an end. Shelley was right after all…it was her, and God confirmed that to her almost two years before. He confirmed it to me as well…I just chose not to believe it then. Shelley’s attitude through all of this amazed me. Her conviction and willingness to follow through on God’s plan for her knowing that it would be a long hard road to recovery blew me away. She was willing to go from the picture of health to months of anemia and pain while her body adjusted to life with one kidney and as she healed for me. Just like Christ did on the cross, Shelley gave literally of herself to save my life. Her gift gave my body a new life, free from the machines that were in control of my health, and allowed me to experience a freedom I had lost. I will never be able to fully express my thanks to her and her family for this…and for the unconditional love they have shown us throughout this journey.

So, as you can see, I’m feeling pretty good now. My checkups show the kidney we jokingly call “Lil’ Shelley” is working perfectly. My weekly set of tests show my body is back to normal levels on just about everything, and the incision is healing nicely. I do feel like a new man…not just with the kidney, but with all God had done for me and in me these past few years.

(The final wrap-up tomorrow...)

"Thinking God Will Run Out Of Welcome Home Banners..."

This thought provoking title comes from the fingers of Jon Acuff today on his popular site, Stuff Christians Like. I've always been a big fan of his work, but my favorite posts seem to come from what he dubs "Serious Wednesdays".

Today's post is a mixture of dealing with guilt, self-loathing, forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, and a new spin on the story of the prodigal son. It had me alternately nodding and praying, and put a lump in my throat a couple of times.

If you've never messed anything up in your life, then skip right over this post.

If you're a mess like me, click here to read it.

You'll be glad you did.

My Journey, Part II...

(This is the second of four parts of my journey over the last two years that I shared last week at my friend's church...click here to read them all...)

September of that year came, and I began the process of looking for a match for a possible kidney transplant. The program registered me, and gave me a phone number to give out to those that were interested. I was hoping for two or three to be willing to go through the testing process for me…but about a month later I got a call from the hospital asking me to stop giving out the number. I asked them why, and this was their answer: “Usually, we are happy if we can get 4 or 5 calls for a patient…legally, I can’t give you details, but your list passed 70 people a week ago.” I was floored. I’m usually the guy who is willing to help anyone, but I had a hard time accepting any help for myself…and to know that so many were willing to give a part of themselves to me humbled me greatly. The first five prospects started the testing process…but one lady came up to me that week and told me that God had told her she was going to be my donor. I nodded, and told her that was great….and when I walked away, I rolled my eyes and wondered what kind of bad pizza prompted that dream for her. She was a ways down on my list, and no way I was going to wait that long to get a kidney. Honestly, I forgot about her words in a few days…and from there, headed into quite a mess.

A little backstory on me: I was adopted into a Christian home at 5 days old, grew up in the church, and got saved when I was 7. I was brought up well with the Bible being a daily influence, and we were at the church whenever the doors were open. I memorized all kinds of verses, and I could win the “sword drills” in Sunday School often. I could give you all the right answers and say all the right things…but the older I got, I realized that I had never made my relationship with God personal. I always let the church dictate what God looked like, but never spent the time in prayer and study personally to make that real and relevant to me. I had a time of re-awakening and rededication in college, but after that my life became a series of failures and recommitments, but never really a steady climb to the man God intends for me to be. I became much more concerned about how I was perceived, instead of who I was when no one was looking. Even after I got sick, I put on the front that I was just fine, and that God would bring me through it….but on the inside I was angry with God for allowing me to be sick, and didn’t understand why He just wouldn’t fix me as a favor for all the things I’d “done” for him in the past. I felt alone, and that if I told anyone about these feelings, they would cease to think of me as this “great Christian guy”, so I kept wrestling with the enemy by myself…and eventually, gave into the lies he kept putting into my head. Mark Hall, lead singer of Casting Crowns, put what I was doing into words much better than I can:

Have you ever sat in a worship service or prayer time when suddenly some nasty, improper scene from a movie that you didn't see pops into your hear? Of course not! We planted those images inside through our own actions. It's as though we say, "Lord, this monster is pounding me with a wooden bat. Would you please take that bat away?" The Lord helps us with that one, and then we turn around and hand the monster an aluminum bat, saying, "Try this one; it's alot harder." We arm the beast that wants to destroy us.

I drifted far away from God, and from my wife and family. I did things I never thought I would do, widening the gap to a point where I had months at a time without any time with God…and disconnecting with my family almost completely. When I was in church or in public, the mask went on, and I heard what an inspiration I was…but all along, each compliment was a dagger, stabbing at what I knew was just a illusion.

During this time, 5 donors came into the testing program, and 5 donors were eliminated or pulled out. At 2 to 3 months per person, almost a year had passed by then. I got excited for the first one, but when she wasn’t cleared, I was crushed…and then depressed not only by the results, but knowing that my actions weren’t deserving of any kind of blessing either. When each one was rejected as a match for me, it seemed to fuel again thoughts that God just wasn’t there…or that I wasn’t worth His time. Again, nothing could be further from the truth…I was just too blind to see that He was right there waiting for me, broken hearted with my choices, arms outstretched, pleading with me to choose Him. I didn’t…but He never moved away. I did…and it was a very dark time for me personally.

Last August, my house of cards I worked so hard to build and maintain came crashing down around me. All my bad choices came to the harsh light of reality, and the person I wanted to be seen as was destroyed, as the person I truly was was revealed. Many people who supported me before walked away during this time….and I hurt so many more with what I did, especially my wife. Kris, the woman I married almost 15 years ago, the one who had did so much to help me through my sickness, the one who changed the way she cooks to accommodate the many things I couldn’t eat with kidney failure, the one who carried the load with our business and at home during that time…the pain and disappointment so evident in her eyes were more than I could bear. After a particularly hard night where a lot of the truth came out, I could tell that she was so broken and exhausted, so I got up to leave so she could hopefully get some sleep. She asked me to sit back down, she grabbed my hand….and she started to pray for me. Not for us as a couple….just for me. She prayed that I would learn to forgive myself as God forgives me…that I would seek Him and his lead…that I would become the man God wants me to be no matter what happened with us. It shattered me to pieces. It was the most selfless act I’ve ever experienced, and it was in the time when I least expected or deserved it. It changed my heart, and began a new work within me to not be concerned about who I’m perceived to be…but who I am in Him.

You see, she was Jesus with skin on to me that night. She showed me grace and unconditional love in a way that I’d never seen before…and gave me hope that if she could forgive me and work to rebuild our relationship on solid ground, that God could as well. I dove into the Bible with new zeal and focus, and spent long hours in the quiet with God, sometimes praying, and sometimes just listening. A good friend asked to meet with me weekly for accountability, and to work through a book on spiritual bondage that I desperately needed to hear and learn from. It was just what I needed. We started the road to restoration…and the transplant search went on.

(More to come tomorrow...)

My Journey, Part I.....

One of my mentors and my very good friend, Denny Owens, asked me to come to his church last week and share about my journey over the last couple of years. As I wrote it out, I thought I'd share it with you all as well...

First of all, thank you for the opportunity to come and share with all of you today. Denny and Jody have shared with me that many of you have been praying for us and for the donor throughout this whole process, and I know it’s great for me to be able to faces to those prayers.

Denny asked me to share about my journey these last few years…and as I thought back over it, it seems like it was a while ago…but in reality, it all began just 2 years ago this month. Looking back, it’s pretty neat to see God’s fingerprints all over it…it’s just too bad I didn’t see them in the midst of it…

I had been feeling poorly for just about a month at the end of June of 2009. It started with a pretty rapid weight gain, even though I was going to the gym 5 days a week. I cut down my food intake, worked out harder, and nothing seemed to stop the scale from climbing up. A few weeks later, I noticed that I wasn’t able to keep the pace on the treadmill and elliptical that I had worked up to…and a week after that, I was getting winded just climbing up a flight of stairs to tuck my kids into bed. On top of that, I was dealing with a splitting headache that was so severe, it would make me physically sick. Finally, I googled my symptoms…and let me tell you, that was a scary thing to do…I got everything from mad cow disease to heart failure. That was enough to finally get me to go see a doctor, so I made an appointment for the next day.

At my appointment, I gave him the lab results from some blood work I had done the previous January, and he looked that over while running some other tests. After the tests were processed, he came in with the news: I was in end stage kidney failure. My blood pressure was 220/120, which had him fearing a stroke, and the reason for the bad headaches. The anemia was caused by the inability of my kidneys to clean my blood, leaving it oxygen starved and unable to do it’s job well. And the weight gain was due to excess water in my system, something healthy kidneys eliminate automatically. He set up an appointment for me for the next day with a specialist, and sent me back home. I was overwhelmed….I thought it was a virus or something like it…but end stage kidney failure?! My first thought is I’m way too young for this…and then started thinking about all the bad things that happens with this diagnosis. But God showed His first sign of showing up that next morning. In my bible reading for that day was a verse from Isaiah 50 that I needed to hear:

Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on his God.

That was my first sign from God that things were going to be OK….and I believed that for a few days as I hoped that some medicine and rest would take care of whatever I had…but oh, how quickly I forgot that. After many more tests, a biopsy of my kidney finally revealed what I had: a condition called IgA nephropathy. This is a fairly rare condition, affecting only about 4000 people each year. What it is is an unidentified (at this time) antigen gets into your body and your bloodstream. Your white blood cells attack it like any other foreign body, but instead of defeating it, digesting it, and getting rid of it, it melds with the white blood cells to make a paste like substance. This travels through your blood to the tiny little filters in your kidneys and plugs them shut, choking off the blood supply to the kidneys and rendering that filter useless. My biopsy showed that over 80% of my kidneys were irreversibly damaged, and my kidneys will never recover. They admitted me to the hospital, gave me 2 pints of blood, and inserted a catheter in my neck to begin dialysis treatments.

So, I’m on dialysis at 39. I did my best to keep a good attitude, but knowing you have to rely on a machine to live makes you feel much less invincible than you did before. I did a pretty good job of putting on a brave face and making others think I had it all together, but I didn’t. In particular, I remember the day of my biopsy. I had it done in the morning, and was still pretty sore that evening, while feeling sorry for myself. My wife came down from our bedroom around 10 p.m. and informed me she had a kidney stone, and we needed to go to the hospital. Once there, they got her sedated and resting, and I stepped outside for some air. As I did, it began to rain. I looked up at the sky, and just said this: “REALLY?!?!?! My kidneys don’t work at all, my wife’s here in the hospital, and you decide to make it rain this minute?! You said you’d never give me more than I can bear…well, God, the cup is full. You need to stop. I can’t take on any more than this.”
(A friend of mine told me much later that it’s true that God doesn’t give us more than we can bear….He just gives us bigger cups instead.) As I stood there in the rain, though, the words of a song I had heard in worship a few weeks before that came back to my mind:

“Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise
And the thunders roar
I Will soar with You
Above the storm
Father You are King
Over the flood
And I will be still
And know You are God”

I so needed that in that moment…to just be reminded that He is God…and that I am not. Though it still seemed like more than I could bear…it was comforting to know that I wasn’t alone…and, sometimes, the only thing we can hold on to is the fact that God says that He will give us the strength to deal with whatever comes our way. Sometimes, we'll charge headstrong into those battles...but sometimes we've just got to let Him carry us through.

More tomorrow...

Update On My Health...

I realized I hadn't done one in a while...so for the few of you wondering how it's been going, here's the latest from my appointment with the IU docs yesterday.

All my blood tests are coming back normal, which is what they like to see. My incision is healing nicely, and the kidney is working like a champ, according to the twice-weekly testing I'm still doing. My cocktail of meds is settled out, and we've found a balance that really works well for me. Most exciting for me, my creatinine level is down to 1.43, the lowest it's been since the transplant.

I'm feeling pretty good now, a little sore when I overdo it physically, but am really starting to see the change in my energy levels and endurance. I'm looking forward to really being able to workout and run once the next month is over....I feel like I've lost all the strength I had over these last few months, but know I can not only recover it, but increase it as well.

Thanks for your prayers and support...I appreciate it.

Caught...

My YouVersion reading plan led me to the book of 2nd Samuel this morning. The chapter I read dealt with David's return to his throne after a time away because his son tried to overthrow him. David and his army saw a great victory, but all he wanted to do is give the praise to God for his part in the battles. It's some very intense stuff, giving a picture of a God that is truly all-powerful:

"Earth wobbled and lurched; the very heavens shook like leaves, Quaked like aspen leaves because of his rage. His nostrils flared, billowing smoke; his mouth spit fire. Tongues of fire darted in and out; he lowered the sky. He stepped down; under his feet an abyss opened up. He rode a winged creature, swift on wind-wings. He wrapped himself in a trenchcoat of black rain-cloud darkness. But his cloud-brightness burst through, a grand comet of fireworks. Then God thundered out of heaven; the High God gave a great shout. God shot his arrows-pandemonium! He hurled his lightnings-a rout! The secret sources of ocean were exposed, the hidden depths of earth lay uncovered The moment God roared in protest, let loose his hurricane anger."

(2nd Samuel 22:8-16, MSG)

All pretty cool...and a vivid picture of how God's anger in action...but the very next verse is the one that grabbed ahold of my heart:

"But me He caught-reached all the way from sky to sea; He pulled me out."

The need to be caught implies that you're actually falling, often to what will end in a bad result. It's like you've been chased to the edge of a cliff...nowhere to go...your foot slips, you pinwheel your arms, but still lose your balance and begin to plummet to your likely death...but then you're caught, saved by unseen arms from your fate...unexpected and undeserved, but life-changing instead of life-ending.

David knew that his rescue didn't come from his army or his own great leadership...it came from God, reaching down to catch him when he needed Him the most.

I like how matter of fact David was about being caught...like he knew it would happen. I liken that to what my kids experienced when I would throw them up in the air and catch them. As they reached the apex, you could see the brief glimmer of fear in their eyes as they hung in mid-air for a moment...then the smile and glee as they descended into my waiting arms they knew wouldn't let them down.

I need the faith of a child to know that God will catch me, too.

Too often, it's easy to get so wrapped up in all the "stuff" around me and wonder if God even notices that I feel like I'm falling, unable to grab anything to stop my fall, flailing against the air, and preparing for a devastating ending...

...and then He catches me...again. He reminds me that He loves me...that I'm blessed...and that through Him, I have the strength to conquer anything.

Then I forget...and still, He catches me again...and again.

Here's hoping He never gets tired of catching me.

"Having No Clue How God Will Use Your Story"

That title is the title of today's post by the amazing author of "Stuff Christians Like", Jon Acuff. Though the site is known for its humor, I'm a huge fan of what's come to be called "Serious Wednesdays". Jon is a gifted writer, and many of these entries have touched, encouraged, and challenged me. Today's post, though, is the story of Beth, a fan of the site. As I read it, it moved me as it dovetailed with my post just written moments before about how God can use us no matter how bad we think our story is, and that He meets us right where we are. It's also a primer of how poorly some churches treat the broken, and makes me feel very fortunate that my home church,NMC, embraces those who's lives are shattered, and loves them through it while giving solid Christ-honoring counsel just like they did with me.

If you have a story with some bumps and valleys in it, be inspired by Beth's words, and encouraged that God can and will still use you despite how your story has been to this point...I know it inspired me.

Click here to read it. It's well worth your time.

Thanks, Beth....I needed that.

The Rest Is Still Unwritten...

(This great image courtesy of Unwritten Ministries)

There are so many other things Jesus did. If they were all written down, each of them, one by one, I can't imagine a world big enough to hold such a library of books.

(John 21:25, MSG)

These are the last words of the Gospel of John, and the last words of the Gospels in total. As I was reading them this morning as part of my daily quiet time, this particular verse really stuck with me.

Think about it.

REALLY think about it.

As I reflected on the first four books of the New Testament, I can remember story after story of the incredible things Jesus did. The teaching of the thousands....the miracles of healing and power....the investment in His disciples, preparing them for individual ministries without Him, setting the cornerstone of church today....the heartfelt prayers...and the selfless act of his death for our sins on the cross.

That's a lot of amazing stuff in just 3 1/2 short years in ministry...yet read that verse again:

There are so many other things Jesus did. If they were all written down, each of them, one by one, I can't imagine a world big enough to hold such a library of books.

That's pretty incredible...but can you imagine being John and spending each day at His side, learning from Him, and watching Him interact with people? I'm guessing the Gospels are just essentially a "highlight reel"...but seeing Him on a daily basis? I bet there are more stories than can be told.

That led me to thoughts of what it would be like to be with Him then...and then to thoughts of what He would think of me. Would there be lots of "way to go!" and "attaboy"...or would there be much more disappointed looks and shaking of His head as I make yet another mistake?

I hope for the former....but it would probably be the latter. That's why I love the story of Peter so much. There couldn't have been a disciple more full of himself and his abilities than Peter. His fall from grace to betrayal to redemption to impactful ministry gives me hope each day that God can still use me, despite my numerous failings and flaws.

As I reflected on that verse, I was reminded as well of the many times He's made impacts on my life. Sometimes directly...sometimes through prayer and Bible study...and sometimes through other people. If I really kept an account of all the times He's shown Himself to me in these forty-one years, there would be more than a book could hold, too.

The really great part? My story's not over.

He's still writing it...and I'm trying hard to play the part He has for me without getting in His way.

As much as life can get me down at times...each day I wake up and remind myself that this is the day He has made, and it's another chapter in my story. It may be a great victory, a disappointing loss, a mess of my own making, or a turnabout of events I never saw coming. It's all a part of His plan...and I'm glad my story resides in much more capable hands than mine.

God has brought me quite a long way in the past months...and I look forward to where He's taking my story in the future.

Here's hoping that I have open eyes and ears to see and hear the many stories He's yet to teach me...and to remembering each one.